


Of Bookclubs, Music and Soulmates

by Some_thingnew



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Music, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst and Drama, Closeted Character, Disney Quotes, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Family Drama, Finally a fic where Morgana develops a full relationship that isn't just in the background, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Humor, Idiots in Love, Inspired by Music, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Merlin & Morgana Friendship (Merlin), Morgana deserved better, Mutual Pining, My First Fanfic, Oblivious, POV Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), POV Merlin (Merlin), POV Morgana (Merlin), Partner Betrayal, Reconciliation, Secrets, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-15 13:40:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 52,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28939371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Some_thingnew/pseuds/Some_thingnew
Summary: In a modern world without magic Merlin, Arthur and Morgana are young and closeted idiots. In this world the soulmate pairing is a common cultural ritual, where the druids make tattoes that represent the perfect pairing.The story I'm about to tell, however, is not a common soppy and cheesy fairytale, nor one about love at first sight, where the soulmates immediately recognize each other, they get married and live happily ever after, or some crap like that. It's only a tale about common passions for what's good in this world such as music, literature, friendship and self acceptance.And after all it could be a romantic story like any other, but this is not my place to say.
Relationships: Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Merlin/Morgana (Merlin), Other Relationship Tags to Be Added
Comments: 33
Kudos: 36





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fan fiction ever, so don't be too hard on me (obviously any comments and suggestions are appreciated when polite). English is also not my mother tongue, so I usually correct what I write with LanguageTool. I'm also not familiar with London and the British university system, so I tried to be as vague as possible to be realistic at least.
> 
> Perhaps you, my dear readers, are asking why on earth would I write in a language I don't perfectly speak and about a country I don't really know. Well, I am pleased to say that:  
> 1\. Merlin is one of my favourite TV shows ever (even with its flaws), and I'm currently obsessed with the fiction this amazing fandom has written.  
> 2\. After reading so many fictions, I had my idea and I wanted to write it, even if I always considered myself a crappy writer and probably this story is a mixture of what I've read this far.  
> 3\. I am a bit depressed due to the pandemic and I have an existential crisis, so I decided to go with whatever makes me feel good, even if it is writing a fan fiction that isn't perfect.  
> One last comment on my work: there might will be some sex scenes and I hope they'll be not too cringy or weird, since I don't write porn stuff and I don't mean them to be that.
> 
> This idea came to me when I thought that it would be amazing to read a fiction that collects everything I like: modern settings (the canon era reminds me too much of the heartbreaking ending); the Merthur relationships; a not so evil Uther; and finally music and books. However, the most important thing that made me start to create the plot was that I've never read a fiction where Merlin and Morgana are best friends. Not that I don't like Gwen, she's a cutie, but I LOVE Morgana and I always thought she deserved better.
> 
> I really hope you'll like it and leave kudos, and that this fandom will remain immortal, such as our Emrys (Arthur, please, come back soon and fight with us against Covid-19!).

* * *

**INTRODUCTION**

_Pairing_ _soulmates_ ☯️

* * *

In a universe where everyone has the possibility to find a soulmate, the procedure to discover them is nothing but magical.

From the age of 17, anyone who desires finding The One with more "accuracy" in the future, can go to the druid leader of the town to get a tattoo on their right or left forearm. This tattoo and the arm will be decided by the druid after a personality test, and it could be representing anything, really. Some can be animals, some can be objects, others can be writings and so on. It can either represent something about your personality, to which your soulmate is attracted, or about the soulmate itself. The fact is that, even if all of this has nothing to do with enchantments (since there's no such thing as magic), the soulmate tattoo ritual isn't based on scientific evidences either, especially when this tradition is too close with cultural norms. Hence, there are only theories behind the meanings of these tattoos such as sexual orientation, age and personality of the partner. But none of them can be precise, also because the druids are highly secretive about their knowledge.

Furthermore, if you have any kind of question about your tattoo, you can visit a druid for a consultation, but only once in a lifetime. Thus, everyone waits for it until it's strictly necessary, or they want a confirmation about the partner they're going to marry. What is usually accepted anyway is that, if one has the tattoo on his left arm, the soulmate must have it on the other one to be balanced. Yet, some people decide to let the soulmate pairing to chance to avoid the pressure of what someone calls _destiny,_ and they don't get any tattoo. In fact, at the end, there still will be a choice. 

Either way, in the past, prejudices and intolerance caused too many social problems. Some people were even persecuted for a tattoo they couldn't choose, and they didn't even fully understand, just because they were considered different. The fact is that, even though it was the druids who performed the ritual, the governments never outlawed it. They only continued to exclude people, claiming their personality traits. Nowadays those episodes are extremely rare, and people keep performing the soulmate pairing ritual because it is tradition and, in a way, really fascinating. However, for this reason, the subject of soulmates is commonly considered a too personal topic to be brought up with strangers, and sometimes also with relatives. Even in the summer, everyone covers them up for privacy with bandages, and sometimes on both arms, to not give away where the tattoo is. Only when the faith in or love for a person is strong enough they might show them to each other.

* * *

The story I'm about to tell, however, is not a common soppy and cheesy fairytale, nor one about love at first sight, where the soulmates immediately recognize each other, they get married and live happily ever after, or some crap like that. This is about oblivious idiots who pine after each other, heartbreaks, betrayals, secrets, angst and anything you care to name is on there. But there's also hope, love, reconciliation and _maybe_ also a happy ending and some x-rated scenes. It's also a story of common passions for what's good in this world, such as music, literature, friendship and self acceptance.

And after all it could be a romantic story like any other, but this is not my place to say.


	2. Encounters

* * *

**ENCOUNTERS**

_Merlin 🐲_

* * *

  
When Merlin enters Gaius' house, he isn't welcomed by the old man who was his Godfather and host for his upcoming university years. He is greeted instead by a huge Rottweiler that knocks him over the floor, in an attempt to be pet, but only appeared utterly terrifying.  
"Kilgarrah! How many times must I tell you not to jump on our guests?" Gaius' voice emerges from somewhere on the upper floor and the dog returned to its kennel. When he comes downstairs he hugs a still shocked Merlin and says:  
"My boy! You've grown up since the last time I saw you. You're even taller than me, but still all skin and bones, I see."   
"Gaius, you saw me not even two years ago! I didn't change that much."   
"Oh well... Anyway. It's nice seeing you again. How was your trip?"   
"It was long but nice. I'm not even tired."  
"I'm glad to hear that. Then, you can put your things in your room while I'll prepare some tea. It is upstairs, on the left, next to the bathroom. Oh, and don't mind Kilgarrah. He's a good dog, even if it looks like a monster. I can't guarantee your safety from Aithusa though... Her claws are a menace."  
"What's Aithusa?" asks Merlin, wide-eyed and prepared for the worst things to come.  
"It's just my stray cat. Kilgarrah hasn't eaten her yet, so there must be something in her, but she's not fond of strangers."  
Merlin, not so much reassured and a bit scared by the overwhelming beginning (he'll never admit that), goes to his room.  
It is a standard room with a double bed, a wardrobe, a little bookshelf and a writing desk under a window with a nice view on some street trees. It is bigger than he expected, and he also has place for his electric piano, that her mother whould send him in a week with some other books, since it was too much to be brought on the train. He had enough of suitcase and only two hands after all.

He starts to relax and to unpack his things when a beautiful white cat appears by his door frame. Merlin freezes, in fear of being attacked again, but the cat seems innocuous regardless of Gaius warnings. He slowly goes to the cat with a lowered hand and says:  
"You must be Aithusa. Don't be afraid!"   
The cat purrs in response and actually lets him pet her. With a pang of pride, he picks her up and goes towards the kitchen with a wide grin on his face.

"Gaius, you'll never believe what I just did!"   
When Gaius turns from the kitchen he almost drops the boiling kettle at the sight of Merlin with Aithusa in her arms.  
"I don't know why you told me she was dangerous. She's so cute! Look, she's even purring."   
"Well, you must be some sort of dragon lord for taming her."  
"My mother didn't name me after the most powerful warlock ever for nothing." Replies Merlin giggling.  
"Still. You should be more careful with scaring me. I'm old, and I'm not sure if I'll survive after a stroke." 

They drink their tea in silence for a while, when Gaius breaks it by asking:  
"Do you still play the piano? Hunith told me you stopped after your father's death."  
Merlin chockes on his tea at the memory of his father. Balinor was his mentor, his hero and also his first piano teacher, but he unfortunately died a year and a half ago in a car accident and Merlin still isn't over it.   
"Actually, I toke it up some months ago. But, you know, it's still hard sometimes."   
"I know your mother is sending you your piano, but if you want I have a surprise for you. Follow me."   
They go into the living room and on the opposite side of the fireplace, behind the sofa, there is an old upright piano.  
"I know it's maybe too old, but I had it tuned, and I can teach you some tricks since now I'm home from the clinic." 

Gaius was a family doctor who isn't happy of having retired, but he is old, and Merlin knows that Balinor's death was hard for him too. His father once told him that they met because Gaius taught him how to play to cover the expenses of his medical studies. They became friends and asked him to be Merlin's Godfather when he and Hunith married nineteen years ago. So, this was most probably the piano where his father learned music, but Merlin doesn't trust his voice to ask that.  
"Thank you, Gaius. I really would appreciate it." Merlin answers with a tight smile. "But now, if you don't need anything, I would like to meet my mate Will. We moved here together, and I want to see if he needs help in his new flat."   
"Yes, of course you can go. You don't have to ask my permission, I'm not your mother! But please, don't come home too late or at least try not to wake me up. I'll give you your spare keys in a minute." 

By the time Merlin reaches Will's address, it starts pouring down rain, but Merlin realizes he left his umbrella on the train, _what an idiot._ He grabs his phone and calls Will.  
"Hey mate, could you open the door? I'm soaking!"   
"Merlin! Did you lose your umbrella? _Again?"_  
"Yes, I did. Now, please hurry up."   
"OK, relax. I'm on the third floor by the way."  
As he hears the buzz, he opens the door and runs up the stairs, succeeding to stumble on the last pair of steps, right in front of one of a cute girl, who must be one of Will's flatmates.   
"Oh my gosh! Are you all right?" The girl asks, sick worried.   
"Don't mind me, I'm just The Clumsiest Man Almost Alive, but people call me Merlin."   
"If that's so, I'm Guinevere, but people call me Gwen." She says, visibly relieved and trying to hide a laugh.   
"With names like ours, all we need now is an Arthur and a Lancelot to make the poor man's Matter of Britain."   
"Funny you say that. My best friend's brother is called Arthur, and she's Morgana." Merlin bursts out laughing.  
"You're pulling my leg. You must. Come on, what are the odds?"   
"I always thought that our parents were simply out of ideas and just tired of John Does. Shall we continue our conversation inside with Will or do you prefer the stairs, my clumsy magician?" Gwen says playfully.  
"No inside it would be better, thanks." Merlin notices Will, waiting by the doorstep, who says "I see you already met Gwen! Come in, and I'll introduce you to the others."

Since Will and Merlin were best mates and lonely and looking for a better future, it seemed logical to move to London together when Merlin decided to go to university. Will didn't have a mind for studying, so he looked for a job to make a living. Unfortunately rents in London are insanely expensive and Merlin knows he's lucky to have Gaius. So, Will found a room in a big flat, spared with other students.  
"These are Freya and Percy. And, this is my mate, Merlin. If you'll excuse me, I go to finish unpacking. I'm sure Merlin will leave all his things in his bags until the very end, but I know better than that. I'll show you the flat after you introduce yourselves" Will says with a wink and goes to his room.

They seat on the couch while Gwen takes some glasses and a bottle of juice.  
"Please tell me that Percy stands for Perseus, and not for Percival. Because then, we are really doomed to live in a reincarnation of Camelot."   
"Actually, it's Percival." He briefly answers, embarrassed. Percy is huge, literally. He's tall and all muscles, but apparently is too shy or very private to continue the conversation.   
"When i first met him I thought that too! By the look of him, he cluld easily chop Medusa's head and be an [italian bronze statue](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Perseus_with_the_Head_of_Medusa). But better Camelot than, for example, the Iliad or Game of Thrones. Imagine being called Menelaus or like some American kids being called Khaleesi." Freya objects.  
"You might have a point, Freya. But I'll have you know that my childhood was crap. Guess what was like having all my classmates asking me to perform magic, and not even being able to conjure a coin behind an ear. The only magic I can do is on the piano."   
"You play the piano?" Gwen asks.  
"Yes I do, but I'm not a professional and I don't play that much."   
"But you said you can do magic with a piano, so you must be skilled at least." Freya asks wide-eyed. Her eyes are of a beautiful brown, and apparently she's also smart, so if Merlin wasn't gay he would have probably asked her out (and why he took the time to acknowledge that, he has no clue).  
"Well, that's what people sometimes tell me. I don't think I am that good, though." Merlin says, rubbing the back of his neck and blushing a little at the unexpected compliment.  
"He's a piano genius, but he'll never admit that!!" Will shouts from his room.   
"In that case I'll be the one to judge. The fact is that I happen to be an aspiring professional ballet dancer, and next month there will be this talent show I applied to and my accompanist has just dumped me. If you'll be my saviour, I'll owe you the biggest favour you'll ever ask me."  
Freya looks like a puppy dog and Merlin just can't deny helping her. He ends up accepting and scheduling a series of rehearsals, even if he hasn't begun his courses yet.

By the end of the day, after having a tour of the house, he finds out that Will was hired as a delivery driver in a pizzeria in the nearby district, Gwen is a nursing student on her second year and Percival is a bouncer in a club, but he spends his days locked in his room sleeping or playing some video games (he was a kind bloke, but certainly wasn't easy to talk to).

When Merlin comes home, he has the feeling that moving in London was the best idea he ever had. It isn't going to be an easy ride, but at least he's just found two new friends, and he is looking forward for his first day of university.

* * *

His first day was going well. The lectures were mostly introductory, but still interesting. He met some course mates, but it's too early for them to be considered friends.  
So, the day was fine, just... fine. Or well, that it was at least until he decided he needed a coffee break and went to the College Café.

The queue is quite long, but he needs coffee too much, and he isn't one who gives up easily. So, he patiently waits for his turn to come, behind an unfairly gorgeous guy. He is blonde, tall and fit, and to be honest, Merlin doesn't need to see his face to feel attracted. He has enough of a view from behind, _if you know what I mean_. Truth is that, even if he couldn't date Freya because he's gay, he couldn't just ask a stranger guy out for more than one reason. First, he doesn't know him. Second, he could most likely be straight or just not being intrested in a lanky boy with big ears. Third and most importantly, he isn't out of the closet yet, except for Will an his mother, since they know everything about him. So, if he fantasizes about said bloke, including some sentimental thing such as kisses under the rain, even for a moment, well, he will always deny that. Always.

Suddenly, the waiter lets a tray of coffee cups and glasses fall, spilling the drinks all over the customers in the queue.  
"Bloody hell, couldn't you be more incompetent?"   
The waiter, Gilli was his name as his tag shows, blushes furiously and bubbles an apology while trying to make up the mess he made. The gorgeous bloke is an ass then. All fantasies fade, and who isn't Merlin if not a helper of hopeless cases.  
"Geez mate, it could happen to anyone. You don't need to be such an ass, and you can still wash your precious clothes."

Said gorgeous ass bloke then turnes and, yes. Merlin is fucked. He is too handsome, and Merlin forgets why he was angry all of a sudden. _It was something about being an ass and spilled coffee and piercing blue eyes and_ OK, his mind is reeling now.  
Then, the even more gorgeous ass guy breaks the silence:  
"Do I know you?"  
"Ehm... No. I'm mmmMerlin."   
"Well, mmm _Mer_ lin. It's obvious I don't know you, and yet you call me mate."   
That was it for Merlin. No matter how gorgeous one could be, he deserves some basic respect.  
"That was my mistake. I knew you were a prat, but I didn't realize you were a _royal_ one and I surely would have remembered that and avoided you if we knew each other. Now, if you please, the queue is moving, and I need my coffee."   
_Gorgeous obnoxious bloke_ , that was now his name, frowns and moves on.  
"An espresso. With no sugar, please."   
"I'm impressed. You can say the word please, and by your order in perfect Italian style you must be posh too."   
"You're one to talk! One who says "geez", "ass" and _prat._ Who uses that word anyway? Now, I'm curious to see what you're about to order."  
"I would like a Caramel macchiato with double sugar, please. Thank you."   
"What on earth is a Caramel macchiato, I would never know. And by the way, macchiato is pronounced as if it had two "k"."  
"I know how to pronounce some Italian words, I didn't want to sound pretentious. And for your interest, you sound like Hermione and, in that part of the story, she was still unbearable."   
"MOVE OUT OF THE WAY AND CONTINUE YOUR FIGHT SOMEWHERE ELSE!" Someone shouts from the queue.

Once they have their orders, they move out of the way and continue their argument.

"Hermione was the only one with more than one single brain cell of the trio, and if it wasn't for her, Harry wouldn't have even solved Professor Snape's potion riddle and the saga would have ended right there."   
"You read the books! You continue to surprise me."   
"As I said before, I'm not an illiterate one who still somehow uses the word prat."   
"I'll have you know that I'm a bachelor student in Education, and one day I'll be a fantastic English teacher."   
"I fear for your hypothetical students then. You're not really promising." _Gorgeous obnoxious bloke_ says, sounding more annoyed than teasing.   
"And with this, I'm done with you. See you never!"   
Merlin leaves the Café with his disposable cup and angry with the world.

Once he's at home all he wants to do is playing the piano. People like _Gorgeous obnoxious bloke_ would probably go for a run, or go to the gym, or play some sport that makes you sweaty and your muscles ache. Merlin isn't that type of guy and he would usually play a fast and loud peace, just to blow off steam. His favourite used to be [Erlkönig by Schubert](https://youtu.be/nSVf0ZvoiCM), but now this reminded him too much of his father, both because of the text of the Lied and because he used to sing it while Merlin played.  
At the moment however, he is so mad that he doesn't care about it and only wants to play, but unfortunately Gaius is sleeping on the couch and his electric piano hasn't arrived yet, so he couldn't even play plugging in the earphones.

He knows it is silly being mad at some random, albeit gorgeous, man, but he can't help it. He tries to call Will to talk about his day, but he doesn't answer. It was likely that he just has begun his turn at work. He considers calling Freya, but he knows she has ballet classes at this hour, so he dials Gwen's number. 

" _Hey Merlin! Didn't expect to hear from you so soon. Not that I don't want to hear you, but you know... How was your first day?_ "   
"Fine at the beginning. Ehm, could I ask you a favour?"   
" _Of course! You know I would do anything. Well, not really anything, but_..."  
"Gwen, don't worry. I was wondering if you'd like to go out for a drink tonight. Not as a date, but I really need to go out and forget the other part of the day with some alcohol or simply with a friend."  
" _Did something happen?_ "   
"No. Just a fight with a guy at the café and I need to calm down." (he almost said _G_ _orgeous obnoxious bloke_ , and he really needs to start to stop thinking about him)  
" _I was actually going out with my friend Morgana, the one I told you about. I don't know, but I have a feeling you two will get along. We'll meet at Gwaine's, it's a pub of one of our friends. I'll send you the address_."   
"Thank you! You saved my evening."  
" _See you there around 7 pm!_ " 

For the first time in his life, Merlin is actually too early in front of the pub. When Gwen arrives, she's in the company of the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. Not that Gwen is ugly, she has beautiful curly brown hair and smooth olive skin, but the other girl, obviously Morgana, was on a completely other level. Forget Freya, forget _G_ _orgeous obnoxious bloke_ , Morgana is breathtaking in her burgundy tight dress that doesn't hide her curves (but still gracefully) and wide green eyes. He knows for a fact he's not bisexual nor straight, but Merlin is an artist in his soul and he simply cannot be unmoved by such beauty.

Morgana notices he is staring and does nothing to hide it. With a knowing and confident smirk, she greets Merlin, and they enter the pub.

"Gwen! Morgana! What brings you here on a Monday night?" Says the man who must be Gwaine.   
"Oh, just a girl's night. Plus Merlin." Morgana answers laughing.  
"Nice to meet you Merlin! Are you new here?"   
"Yes, I am. I just moved from Whales to go to uni."   
"I hope you're not a lightweight. Knowing Morgana, she could make you drink until you'll forget even your improbable name, while she would walk on her high heels never falling down."   
"Gwane. I must remind you that, even if you are the this pub's owner, if it wasn't for Elena you would prepare a drink for yourself every time you open a bottle for a customer and then ending up in a fight." Morgana replies, still composed and elegant as if she was a noble lady who knows how to play her cards.  
"Well thanks for the warnings. I'll try to avoid getting drunk with either of you from now on." Merlins says. He hasn't drink anything yet, but he begins to feel better.

They order their drinks, and then they take a seat by a small table by the window.  
"So, Morgana. What do you do? Gwen only said you were friends, but she wasn't forthcoming with the details." Merlin asks, as soon as he sits down.   
"Gwen! You told me everything about Merlin, and you've only known him for a few days, and you didn't talk about me to your new friend?"   
He sees Gwen cheeks redden a little, and she smacks the back of her hand on Morgana's arm. He can't fathom out the reason of Gwen's blush, but he knows for sure Morgana was a bit evil. Nevertheless, she isn't as bad as _Gorgeous obnoxious bloke_ (wow was he still really thinking about him? Sometimes Merlin couldn't believe his own mind).  
A blonde waitress comes with their drinks, greets Gwen and Morgana and briefly introduces herself to Merlin as Elena, Gwaine's girlfriend.

With her drinks on hand, Morgana starts talking:  
"I was saying, I'm a management student about to graduate. I would love to inherit my father's company, but he isn't really reasonable."  
"What's your father's company?"  
"Just the Pendragon Enterprise, one of the biggest companies that trades with arm industries. Do you know it?"   
"Of course I know it! I don't live under a rock."  
"Anyway Uther wants to let it to my brother, but he doesn't even want it! He wants to be a lawyer, the bastard. I know he could be a great leader, but he has this fixation on justice. I know he's doing the right thing, but why couldn't he convince Uther to leave the enterprise to me then?"  
The words justice and leader makes his stomach curl, but he's not here for that kind of thoughts tonight, so he asks:  
"Your brother is the one named Arthur?"   
"How do you know that?"   
"Oh, Merlin believes that with our names, we could make a revival of King Arthur's legends" Gwen says giggling.   
"Hell no! Morgana sleeps with his brother and she loses, Arthur is king and Guinevere is condemned to death for betrayal. I would never live in a world like that. Uther, another odd name you might add, besides purposely named the enterprise Pendragon and his own children Morgana and Arthur because he was Uther, married to Ygraine, and his favourite book was The Once and Future King by T.H. White."  
Merlin laughs so hard he starts to feel tears in his eyes.  
"I'll be with you only because Merlin is a mortal enemy of Morgana and I want to be your friend actually."  
"You're sweet! But I must warn you. If you betray me, you'll never forget it."  
Merlin can't tell if she is joking or not, but she manages to be both terrifying and intriguing at the same time.

"It's your turn Merlin. You called me on a Monday afternoon to ask me to get you out of your misery, and you didn't seem the type to drink on Monday. What happened?" Gwen asks, smiling but not hiding to be a bit worried.   
"Oh nothing. I was in the university café when an obnoxious guy ruined my coffee break. He was just being rude to the waiter, then insulted me for the way I said "macchiato" and we continued to argue until he said he fears for my hypothetical students. He was so posh and arrogant he didn't even consider I could be offended. I went home to play the piano, but Gaius was sleeping and Will is working, so I thought I could call you."  
"Wait, wait, wait. Your story sounds terribly familiar! My brother came home to me whining about this guy on the café who called him a "prat", while bubbling about his blue eyes and cheekbones. My gosh, you're the one who stood up to Arthur! Now I've decided that you, Merlin, are now and for always my best friend. Forget Gwen, she's too sweet to argue with him, and you have proved to be the bravest man on earth." Morgana says with the brightest smile and laugh she has had all evening. Then she sees Gwen's disappointed face and to make it up with her, Morgana kisses her cheek in an apologize and she smiles again. "I can't wait to go home and tell him I befriended you to make him jealous."  
"But before you seemed to talk about Arthur as if he was a nice person. He was a total jerk today!"   
"Arthur is a bit of a bully sometimes, but he's really sweet once you know him. He also likes to tease people, but usually no one fights back, except for Morgana and Gwaine." Gwen says, trying to defend Arthur.   
"I highly doubt that."  
"Gwen's right though, even if she likes everyone and sees only the best in people. But I've never seen my brother like today. You did something to him Merlin! And I know I shouldn't talk to his favour, but he's a good guy, and you should give him another chance."  
"We'll see. I'm happy he's not here now though, since you are siblings, and obviously you're all friends in here."  
"Don't worry about it. On Mondays Arthur plays football with Leon, and then he goes home and reads until midnight."  
"Does he actually read? I didn't believe him today."  
"Yes, he does. And to change the subject, you mentioned you stay by Gaius. Is he perhaps a retired general doctor?"   
"Yes, he is. Do you know him?"  
"He was our family doctor and my father's friend since I was a child! I haven't see him since he retired. How do you know him, and how is he?"  
"He's actually my Godfather. He's doing well. My father's death was hard for him too, but I'm sure he'll be happy to see you!"

The evening goes on pretty well and Merlin feels better than he felt in months, to be fair. They talk about university, about the fact he took an year off after his father's death and about everything else.

As Merlin comes home, Gaius is still awake, and he tells him about Morgana. His face lights up and tells Merlin to invite her (and Arthur) home sometimes.

When he goes to sleep, he's smiling and thinking that, gosh, isn't it a small world?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I added some references from the first season in the plot and in the dialogues. Some are blatant, other aren't. I would like to know if you'll recognize them all.  
> As always, if you notice some errors, please contact me and I'll fix them.
> 
> I also added a link to Perseus statue and to the Erlkönig video right in the text, because I always hate it when I have to come back from the notes whenever there's a link to something interesting in the plot.


	3. Can't judge a book by its cover

* * *

**CAN'T JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER**

_Arthur_ 🎧

* * *

It's been almost two weeks since the fight with the _idiot_ in the café, but Arthur still hasn't stopped thinking about that day. The _idiot_ had the temerity to call him an ass, and he also fought back. It didn't even help his cause the fact that the idiot was probably right. He was being unfair to the waiter, but he still had the right to be mad, and it wasn't Arthur's fault if he snaps every time he has a long hard day. So, said idiot shouldn't have shouted at him because reason is on his side, _right?_ In fact, the universe wasn't being very nice to him lately. First, he had to fight for the umpteenth time with his father about Morgana and the enterprise, then he had a waiter spilling steaming coffee on him and then an idiot had to scold him like a child.  
And said _idiot_ was also goddamn attractive. Arthur usually dated women, but it was worthless denying to himself he was sexually attracted to men too. He also had a secret boyfriend some years ago, when he was on summer break from high school.

The _idiot_ happened to be exactly his type: soft dark hair, pale skin and piercing blue eyes that reminded him of the ocean (and yes, that was an unnecessary information). He dated also brunettes and blondes, but the one he liked the most was a girl named Mithian, and she looked like him in a way. They dated for six months on his last year of high school, and he was sad when they broke up because they had chosen different paths in life. Even Mordred, his secret ex-boyfriend, looked like the idiot. Obviously, both of them weren't his soulmate, the tattoos didn't match even if they wanted to, but it was nice to have had them in his life. The differences between them and said idiot, leaving the soulmate part aside, were those damn blue eyes, and his prominent cheekbones, long fingers, and lips that begged to be kissed and really now he couldn't even find something ugly about him and his blood was rushing "somewhere" south. Maybe he has ears too big, but his hair hides them enough, and Arthur was screwed.   
When at the café he turned to shut him up and to tell him to sod off, his mind just froze and what came out of his mouth was "Do I know you?", and from that the situation escalated quickly. And wasn't that fantastic that his despicable sister made fun of him saying that, thanks to Gwen, she met Merlin ( _ah yes that was his name... Who's called Merlin by the way?_ ) and that he was now his best friend forever for standing up to him before even knowing him? Did she really have to tell him also that Merlin was actually really nice - as if he didn't know that by the way he defended the waiter - and intelligent?

Now, every time he goes to a lecture, or he goes to the Campus Café, or simply walks to the streets or gets on the train, he finds himself looking for Merlin in the hope to apologize. He had a noble side after all. At the same time, however, he didn't want to see him at all and being embarrassed. His pride was offended enough, _thank you very much_.

* * *

He is in the university library, searching for a book on Bioethics, when he sees Gwen on a ladder, trying to get a thick volume on a really high shelf. He approaches to say hi, but she wasn't expecting him to appear behind her, and she lets her book fall for the surprise. If it wasn't for Merlin, who promptly drags him out of the book trajectory, he would have ended with a serious concussion. That book has hardcover and probably has more than a thousand pages!  
"Arthur! Are you OK? I'm terribly sorry." Gwen cries out, and hurries down the ladder.  
"Don't bother me. I have a thick skull" Arthur jokes trying to cheer her up, without succeeding much.  
"That's an understatement." Merlin says, a little annoyed picking the book up, checking for any damages.   
"I didn't see you there. Well I think I owe you a reward for saving my head from a book of basic anatomy." Merlin only shrugs.  
"Are you sure you are OK? You scared the hell out of me." Gwen says, checking on Arthur's head for any injuries.   
"Yes, Gwen, I am. Maybe, if you actually hit me, I would have acquired some medical knowledge by osmosis, that could have helped me with my bioethics exam. Luckily it wasn't a hardcover version of Les Misérables. Only fifteen hundred pages of Victor Hugo could make me miserable."  
At that Merlin really laughs at his joke, as if it was hilarious.  
"Did you really made a bad joke about French literature? You're unbelievable."  
"Unbelievable or not, I would actually invite you both for a coffee, once I get my book, so I could properly thank you, Merlin, for saving me and to cheer Gwen up. What do you think?"   
"Oh, I would really like that, but I promised my brother Elyan to help him to buy a birthday present for her girlfriend today, so we'll spend all the afternoon between shops. You could still go without me, and we could see again another day!" Gwen says apologetically.  
"It's OK for me, if you promise we will see again tomorrow."  
"Deal." Gwen says, smiling now.   
"What about you, Merlin? Are you in?"   
Merlin makes an unfathomable expression, but then smiles a little and reluctantly accept.   
"How do you know my name, by the way?"  
Arthur gives him a look that says _are you completely stupid and my sister was wrong?_ And, when Merlin got it, they say "Morgana" in unison.

* * *

They promptly avoid the Campus Café, it was too awkward for them both to be there after that first time. They decide to go for a little coffee shop in the nearby street, in front of an independent bookshop called Du Lac's Book Barn. 

When they enter they order two hot chocolates and take a seat by the window.   
The coffee shop is cosy, with wooden furniture and smells of pastries. Arthur sees that Merlin is staring at the shop on the other side of the road.  
Merlin's face is going to be the end of him. Arthur remembered he was gorgeous, but his memories (even the ones he fantasized about while wanking in the shower) weren't even remotely close to reality. Today, Merlin is also wearing a navy hoodie that brings out his eyes. When Merlin notices he's staring, Arthur clears his throat and says: "I love that bookshop. It always has rare collections and foreign language books. You can't even imagine the treasures I found in there."   
"Yes, Morgana told me you like to read, but I still don't believe it." Merlin says with a smirk.  
"I can prove it to you. Ask me what you want."   
"Yeah, OK. But I can't just ask you what your favourite author or books are. That would be too easy. I have to make it challenging."   
"I love challenges. But what will I win if I answer correctly?"   
"Glory? Respect?"   
"That is not enough!"   
"Hmm alright, let me think. I'm going to ask some questions, and if I like your answers, you'll win, and I'll buy you whichever book you want from that bookshop. But nothing expensive, mind you, I'm not a stuck up rich as you are."   
"I'm not such thing!" Arthur shouts offended.

In that precise moment, a woman with the most ridiculous hat he's ever seen in his life enters the shop, and he can't suppress his laughs.  
"I told you that you're a pompous prat."  
"Oh, come on! It's fluorescent red, and it has also feathers!! How can't you find it funny at all? Only because I have expensive clothes and laugh at funny hats, it doesn't make me a stuck up git!"   
"If you say so..." Merlin says, still trying to mask rather badly a laugh behind the back of his hand.  
"For what it's worth, I'm really sorry for how I treated you and the waiter that day. I have this bad habit of yelling when I'm stressed or mad. I actually apologized to Gilli the day after." At that, Merlin smiles in a way that tells him his apology is accepted and the world feels right again.

"And what if I lose?" Arthur says after taking a sip of his hot chocolate.  
"It will be dishonor on your family. Dishonour on you. Dishonour on your cow!"  
"Are you quoting [Mushu](https://www.google.com/search?client=ms-android-huawei-rev1&ei=2_ERYPK1IsOAkwWDka3AAg&q=dishonor+on+your+cow+video&oq=dishonor+on+your+cow+vode&gs_lcp=ChNtb2JpbGUtZ3dzLXdpei1zZXJwEAEYADIGCAAQFhAeMgcIIRAKEKABMgcIIRAKEKABMgcIIRAKEKABMgcIIRAKEKABMgQIIRAVOgQIABBDOgYIABAHEB46BAgAEBM6BQghEKABUMkNWKAVYKgdaABwAHgAgAH8AYgBzAmSAQUwLjQuMpgBAKABAcABAQ&sclient=mobile-gws-wiz-serp#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:26959932,vid:87qstckIwqs,st:0)?" Arthur says with a mocking laugh.   
"The fact that not only you recognized the film, but the character too, proved to me that you're a Disney fan yourself. And that's a point in my favour."   
"Alright, then. I'll take up your glove and accept your challenge."   
"How medieval and noble of you. Well then, let's begin. What was the most boring book you've ever read and why?"   
"It's "Madame Bovary", because you can't write pages describing her nails while she uses a needle for embroidery. It's a wonder she felt so bored with her life."  
"Wow, you really hate French literature."   
"Hate is a strong word."   
"Right answer." Merlin nods, visibly impressed. "Next. What's your reading guilty pleasure or something weird you do when you read that every other readers hate?"   
"My only guilty pleasure has nothing to do with reading, and I'm not going to tell you that. A weird thing I do is that I always spoiler myself the end of a book I like because I can't stand the pressure of not knowing how it ends."   
"But that takes all the magic away!!"   
"What can I say? That's how I am." Arthur says, opening his arms as to show himself. Merlin frowns and shakes his head in disbelief. "At least, I appreciate your honesty. So now, what is the book that made you a reader?"   
"Hmm. When I was a child my mother used to read me "The Famous Five" series. I know it's lame, but I always wanted to go on adventures with my friends, go on quests or something like that. After my mother's death I stopped reading until Morgana gave me "Around the world in eighty days" at my birthday, and just like that I started reading again and never stopped. See? I don't hate French literature." Arthur, seeing Merlin's expression, expected some futile comment such as _I'm sorry for your loss_ , but instead he received an understanding nod.  
"I did the same thing when my dad died. I stopped playing the piano until I understood it wasn't helping to deny myself other things that made me happy."   
Arthur feels a pang of affection for him and that was actually new. He has never felt like that for someone he had just met.  
"I didn't know you played the piano. You must think you're quite _smart_ for that." Arthur jokes, to lighten the mood. Merlin shakes his head and resumes his now familiar smile.  
"It makes me intelligenter than you."  
"That's not even a word! Are you sure you're a reader?"   
"Obviously that's a word. I just used it, didn't I?" Arthur laughs so hard he forgets what they were saying.

"So, brace yourself for our last question.  
I get that you're not a sentimental person but there must be a book that made you cry or at least get goose bumps. So, what is it?"  
"You'll judge me so badly when I'll answer, but probably you won't even know the book."   
"Try me."   
"Well, some years ago, on the internet, I bumped into a poem entitled "[If this is a man](https://www.google.com/amp/s/furtherglory.wordpress.com/2016/05/19/primo-levis-famous-poem-if-this-is-a-man/amp/)". Do you know it?"  
"No actually, I don't."  
"Well, at the end of it I had chills, and I was so angry with the world you can't even imagine. I don't like poetry, but nevertheless, I started searching information about it, and I discovered that it was actually the beginning of a book by an Italian author. After I read all the book I was left with the idea one shouldn't die because of how they are and a guilt for being actually privileged. I went in that bookshop and bought it also in the original language and started to learn Italian to understand that poem better."  
That leaves Merlin gobsmacked, silent and jaw dropping.  
"I didn't think you could be without words." Arthur teases.  
"You're unbelievable. Why did you think I would judge you for that?"  
"Well, I think I sound predictable or boring."  
"I assure you that if you said that at the beginning, you would have won without having to go through all the other questions! I'm impressed, and now I want to read that book."   
"I could lend it to you, if you want."  
"I'd really like that." Merlin gives Arthur a sheepy smile.

They finish their chocolates in silence, Arthur with a smug grin and proud for his victory.  
"You asked all those questions about me, but now I want to know the same things about you." Arthur asks genuinely curious.   
"The most boring book I've read this far is The picture of "Dorian Gray". I think that wanting to be an immortal young and beautiful man will only lead you to watch everyone you care about and love die, and it is obvious that Dorian was a monster from the beginning for even wanting that. Since you didn't tell me your guilty pleasure, I'll only say that I write comments on my paperbacks... With a red pen. I love fantasy books, but the one that made me a reader was "Jane Eyre" and I found myself in her. At last, well, I get easily emotional and cry every time, and if you're going to call me a girl I'm going to actually beat you. I'm stronger than I look."

"Oh please Merlin, I could take you apart with a blow."  
After a dense silence and a cough from Merlin, Arthur says:  
"Oh come on, you know what I mean. I'm pretty fit and I doubt you could beat me."  
Wow _Arthur_ , _that's the worse back up phrase ever._

"Sooooo, shall we go to get my prize? So I'll get the chance to see Lance. I haven't seen him in a while."   
"Is Lance... Your... You know...?" Merlin asks, a bit more than embarrassed.  
"My what?"   
"Your boyfriend?"   
_Oh no. OH NO. Was Merlin going to be uncomfortable around him?_ Arthur was starting to think that they were going to be friends at least, and had the hope he would be perhaps bi curious by the way he sometimes watched him. But maybe he has the worst gay radar ever. Arthur isn't actually out. He only had that secret boyfriend, but still he's never said any public statement. He dreams of a world where he could simply ask someone out, without having the fear of being gay bashed and only being rejected in case. But Merlin was funny and smart, and he still wanted him around.  
"No! He's only a friend of mine. He's the cashier. If that's for my previous comment, I was only joking!"   
"Oh no, don't worry about that. I was curious." Merlin says with a totally fake smile.

He introduces Merlin to Lancelot, and they actually seem to get along and when they exit with his new copy of "Saving the Planet Begins at Breakfast" Merlin says: "Friday night in two weeks my friends and I are going to see a show. Even Morgana will be there. If you promise not to be a prat about it, I really would like you to come."   
"What is it about?"   
"I want it to be a surprise. But you have to promise!"   
"Alright _Mer_ lin. You have my word I'll be nice. But since you are making me promise such a thing it must be something really boring or creep. So, you'll have to come with me the following Sunday in return, without knowing where we're going."   
"Deal." 

Arthur didn't even realize how late it was by how much he enjoyed his time with Merlin. He was worried it could be awkward between them and that Merlin turned out to be boring and talkative, but Arthur had one of the most amusing afternoon ever, and he doesn't want it to end. He actually wants to invite him home "for a coffee", but apparently Merlin was straight and wasn't interested in him that way, so Arthur is contented for their new friendship. Then, he takes out his wireless earphones and is about to say goodbye to Merlin when he asks: "What kind of music do you listen to?"   
_Shit._ He should have expected that question.  
"Nothing in particular. Pop, Rock, and sometimes I listen to some podcasts on the train."  
"I don't know why it doesn't surprise me that you take the train instead of driving home, but I know for sure that you are lying. You are making a weird face and getting vague, so you must be hiding something. So, what do you listen to?"   
"It's my guilty pleasure and I said I won't tell you that. Everyone has a right for privacy!"   
"If that's so... See you in two weeks then." Merlin sounds so disappointed and Arthur didn't really want to sound rude. He tries to apologize with a smile and saying: "Or perhaps even before. I could give you my number, so you can text me, if you want to talk to a _prat."_  
"Did you really call yourself a prat?"  
"That's not the point, you _idiot!"_   
They both laughs, exchange their numbers, and they part. 

When Arthur arrives home, he's smiling like a loon, passing under the scrutiny of her sister and his father's unaffectionate greet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The idea for Arthur mentioned poem came to me because today is actually the Remembrance Day.  
> [Here](https://www.libriantichionline.com/divagazioni/primo_levi_se_questo_e_un_uomo) there's the link to the original text, if you know italian.


	4. London's got talent

* * *

**LONDON'S GOT TALENT**

_Morgana_ 🦢

* * *

It's the day of Merlin's talent show and Morgana is getting ready for the event. She isn't the kind of person, who has problems with choosing the right outfit for an event. Her wardrobe is full of the latest fashion clothing that fit her perfectly, and she feels confident in her body. She is stunning and she knows it.  
However, now she's standing in front of her mirror, her mind full of doubts and risking being late, and she's never late.

 _Who does she want to impress?_ Merlin is just a friend, and she met his mate Will at Gwen and Freya's flat, but he's just not her type. Maybe Merlin is the one who is growing on her, and _she is starting to feel attracted_? And if that's so, she can't let Freya take him from her. She's always so pretty and cute, with her pale skin and colourful dresses that make her look like a doll. Gwen is beautiful too, but she will never do that to her.  
Merlin has already made it clear that he thinks she's beautiful, by the way he looked at her in their first meeting. But she can't just put that same burgundy dress, and she has already tried all possible outfits. So, she calls Gwen as her last resort. 

"Gwen I need your help?"   
" _Morgana! What do you need? Is it urgent? 'Cause I'm busy, and I've still to prepare for tonight._ "  
"It's just... I can't decide what to wear."  
" _You can't do what??_ "   
"You heard me. Don't ask."  
" _Hmm OK. Well. It's not a formal event, so why don't you put on your black tight skirt and your purple top that looked lovely when we bought it? With heels and a jacket? I guess you're trying to impress someone and this will work, even if you don't want to tell me why. Anyway, this is betrayal Morgana. I'm telling you that._ "  
And with a laugh Gwen hangs up, and she does what Gwen said.

"Morgana! Are you ready? We're running late. If you say "five more minutes", I swear I'm going to leave you here, and I know you don't want to walk all the way with your heels." Arthur's voice came from the entrance door.  
"I was ready hours ago. Have you so little faith in me?" Morgana says, the perfect mask of nonchalance on.

When they reach their destination, their friends are already there.  
She greets everyone, and gives Merlin a kiss on the cheek, making Arthur uncomfortable for some reason. While the others chat, Freya says, smiling brightly: "Morgana, you look beautiful tonight!"   
Morgana's vision goes blind for a while and her heart starts pouting furiously and _What is happening? Put yourself together, Morgana. "_ That's nothing new." She says swinging her long black hair behind her shoulder, in perfect drama style. "I like your coat too."   
"Oh well this is only to cover the costume. I'll put my makeup on later, during the other performances, so it will not fade."  
"Are you performing too?"   
"Yes obviously! Merlin and I are going to perform together."   
Morgana suddenly wants to punch Merlin in the face. _What the hell?_ _Wasn't she supposed to be attracted to him?_ She also always thought that violence wasn't the answer to anything, even if she wanted to inherit an enterprise based on violence, but that's only because she wants to _rule_. So, it's obviously not jealousy. Obviously. Or she would want to punch Freya instead. She must be mad because he didn't tell her all the truth.  
"What will you do?" Morgana asks then, and Freya answers playfully: "You'll see."

To distract herself from the unreasonable anger she's just felt, and to ignore the suspicious gaze Gwen is giving her, Morgana turns to talk to her brother, to see him with a not so hidden face of disgust.   
"You're excited for the show, I see."   
"What can you expect from an event called _London's got Talent?_. And look at these pamphlets! Awful graphic with an awful program. Let's hope Merlin and Freya's performance will not be too much embarrassing. But that's not it. I hate to admit it, but I promised Merlin not to be an ass about the event, so I will not."   
"You not being an ass would be too good to be true."  
"Ha. Ha. Ha." Arthur then lowers his voice "Well anyway, it's Will. I don't like him at all, and I don't want to fail Merlin."  
"Why don't you like him? He's nice!"   
"First, he hates me on principle because I am rich and likes you only because you're a woman. Second, I don't know... It's just a feeling. The way he talks, the way he laughs with Merlin. Huh."   
"Are you jealous of your new friend, Arthur?" Morgana teases smuggling.   
"NO!"   
Maybe that "no" needs a further investigation, but it's time to get in the theatre and to take their seats, so she lets this conversation for another day.

Merlin follows Freya behind the scenes, and the others wait for the show to begin.  
The first performances are: a contortionist, a terrible illusionist that makes his cards fall from his sleeves and a child who sings Somewhere Over the Rainbow rather out of tune.  
When it's Merlin and Freya's turn to perform, two men bring on stage a half sized grand piano. Merlin enters first, and he is looking nice in his probably old tuxedo. Arthur must have noticed that too because his eyes are wide and fixated on him. Merlin makes a bow and stumbles on his own feet while he turns to go to his seat. Everyone in the public laughs and Morgana exchanges a look with Arthur, who's utterly amused and makes a little facepalm. _How can be someone so cute as Merlin, be this clumsy too?_ Even Gwen manages to be both cute and normal, _thank god._  
But then he seats, he straightens his back, gives a nod to someone behind the curtains and starts to play. At that Freya enters dancing on points, with a black and white velvet ballerina dress and two feathers on each side of her head, as a little crown. Morgana's stomach curls in a way she'd never felt before.   
Both Merlin and Freya look completely different while performing. They are confident, composed and incredibly perfect. She isn't an expert (Uther would have prohibited that anyway), but she knows enough to understand that Merlin is an exceptional pianist. Freya doesn't miss a step and is graceful, and even if Merlin is only accompanying her, it was obvious that they were a charming couple. At the end of the performance, there is a dense silence and then the audience burst out applauses. Merlin and Freya take each other's hands and they both bow and exit the scene and Morgana's heart drops and feels more alone than ever. But WHO CARES, RIGHT? SHE'S A _QUEEN_ AND SHE COULD GET WHOMEVER SHE WANTS. It doesn't even have to be her soulmate.  
At least she can enjoy the surprise on her friends faces, especially the one on Arthur's. She is going to tease him for this for like forever.   
There are other performances after Merlin's, but no one remarkable, except for one funny ventriloquist.

When the time for the prize-giving comes, an old woman gets on the stage. She calls every performer per name and says: "On third place, Paul the ventriloquist."  
She gives him a small trophy and waits for the applause to end.   
"On first place, Lucy with her lovely version of Somewhere over the rainbow."   
The lady gives the giggling toddler a trophy that is bigger than herself.  
"And on second place Merlin and Freya."   
The old lady gives them an apologetic smile and a smaller trophy too.  
At that, from the crowd Will cries: "This contest is fucking rigged!"   
The shout is so loud that he earns some judging looks in return, also one from Arthur, but he is showing understanding too.

* * *

They all meet outside the theater.  
Merlin looks as happy as always, despite the outcome, and even Freya doesn't look sad.  
"We were expecting that from the beginning to be honest. Freya applied with her ex girlfriend from her academy just to have fun, but she dumped her a month ago so I helped her." Merlin says.  
Morgana isn't sure. _Did he really say girlfriend?_  
"I thought you were a couple!" Morgana almost shouts and no, that wasn't the nicest thing to say.  
"No, we're not. Well, not that Merlin isn't the perfect boyfriend material... But you know... It would be difficult, since I kind of play for the other team actually." Freya says, blushing to the roots of her hair. "Is that a problem?"   
"Oh, no! Not at all. It's only that you two were so beautiful and worked perfectly together that I just supposed the wrong thing. That's it!"   
Everyone is staring at Morgana now and she has never felt so embarrassed in her entire life.  
"Anyway, Will was right, even if he exaggerated by shouting. You should have won! I didn't think you, Merlin were this talented. I already saw Freya dancing and you were perfect as always, darling." Gwen says to break the silence.  
Arthur stays incredibly quiet for the whole time, staring intently at Merlin, so he provokes him: "Well, now we all know everyone's opinion on the show and on our performance. Are you on Sleep Mode because you promised not to be an arse, and you want to win?"   
"No. I'm just literally out of words."  
"My brother without a sharp opinion on something is simply unbelievable!" Morgana jokes.   
"No well, ehm, if you want my honest opinion I would say that your version of [The Swan by Sain-Saëns](https://youtu.be/vNdsrHPCcCg) on [piano](https://youtu.be/APc47f5C7Fw) was outstanding, but you still manages to be a simpleton and to fall on your own feet. And Freya, you looked beautiful in that costume. That was a perfect blend of [Odette](https://www.google.com/search?q=odette+lago+dei+cigni&client=ms-android-huawei-rev1&prmd=vin&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiQjoP6isLuAhWNxYUKHXu6CGoQ_AUoAnoECAYQAg&biw=360&bih=654&dpr=3#imgrc=QFfHnblxeeFGWM) and [Odile](https://www.google.com/search?q=odile+lago+dei+cigni&tbm=isch&ved=2ahUKEwiAqKr7isLuAhUV04UKHcAQCvMQ2-cCegQIABAC&oq=Odile+lago+dei+cigni&gs_lcp=ChJtb2JpbGUtZ3dzLXdpei1pbWcQARgAMgIIADICCAAyBggAEAcQHjIFCAAQzQI6BAgAEEM6BggAEAgQHjoECAAQDVDp_AJYmo4DYMaWA2gAcAB4AYAB4AGIAY0LkgEFMC44LjGYAQCgAQHAAQE&sclient=mobile-gws-wiz-img&ei=_H0UYIC6MJWmlwTAoaiYDw&bih=654&biw=360&client=ms-android-huawei-rev1&prmd=vin#imgrc=mLAcEeE05fuBbM&imgdii=0OOM3jshCYZvmM) from [The Swan Lake by Tchaikovsky.](https://youtu.be/LbUatYSm8ME) Was that intentional?" Arthur says in one breath and... Is that a _blush_ on his face?  
"How do you know that?" Merlin says, completely incredulous.   
"Guilty pleasures."   
"Ah, I see." Merlin says with a slow wicked smile and Morgana has never fathomed out how men worked, and probably never will, especially Merlin and Arthur.

In the car, on the way home, there's a dense silence between the siblings, until Morgana says: "How did you recognised the song? There were no presentations."  
"It's a piece, not a song, and I heard it on the telly once."   
"Don't lie to me Arthur. Just don't."   
Arthur says nothing.  
"Since you won't say anything, I won't pressure, but tell me: does Father know?"   
"You might think I'm naïve, but I have some self preservation instinct. You won't say anything, right 'Gana?"   
"You know I like to tease you, but it's not actually my intention to see you dead. I didn't even know you had it in you. You can lie to him!"   
Arthur then smiles, and in one of his rare and weird displays of affection, he punches her arm.

* * *

In her bedroom and already in her pyjama, Morgana replays the entire evening in her head and her new feelings.  
Apparently, she wasn't attracted to Merlin. He's cute and all, but when Freya said she was a lesbian, everything fell into place. She was attracted to her and also jealous of her.

Morgana only met her once in a while when she was meeting Gwen in their flat, but acknowledged of being this much attracted to her when she saw her on the stage with Merlin. This feels somehow wrong and she has to get Freya out of her mind, with her nice smile, slender legs and soft hair and... _No, this isn't a good start_. She needs a new hobby, a distraction, something to do to get her out of her mind. She can even use the excuse that Uther is driving her crazy lately, that is actually true, and that she needs something to get rid of the tension.

She then takes her phone out and sends a message to Merlin. 

> Hey Merls. Congrats again for the performance this evening.   
> I know it is late, but I want to ask you if you'd like to grab a coffee with me tomorrow. What do you think?

Morgana always had trouble sleeping, but tonight, she doesn't sleep at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the hardest chapter to write this far. At first I wanted it to be at Arthur's POV, but his chapter was already too long. Then there was Morgana characterization because I wanted her to be the Morgana of the first seasons: confident but afraid of being a monster, good but with an "evil" nature. But most of all, she accepts the other being gay (see her saving Mordred and others accused of sorcery), but at first she doesn't accept being one herself, and I hope I succeeded on portraying it.
> 
> Then I linked the video to the pieces I cited. If you'll hear and watch them too, you won't regret it. They are wonderful and a part of our culture (even if Tchaikovsky's ballet lasts more than one hour, so you could watch it an evening instead of binge watching on Netflix.) 
> 
> Freya's costume doesn't actually exist, so I linked the two characters I cited to get you an idea.


	5. Trying something new

* * *

**TRYING SOMETHING NEW**

_Merlin_ 🎾

* * *

"I think you should adjust your fingering in this section. I know you have a natural talent and that you play with instinct and sentiment, but you should try to be more precise and stick more to the score!" A frustrated Gaius says, pointing his wrinkled fingers to the pages opened on the piano.  
"I know, Gaius. But it's not that I aspire to be a professional pianist, and you know that too."  
"Yes, I know it, my boy. I don't understand it though. You could have a wonderful career."   
"I don't play piano for ambition and I surely don't want any more of the recognition I already have."   
"Still, it wouldn't hurt you being more precise."

Merlin is about to repeat the passage he was getting wrong, _that was Gaius' thought though_ , when the doorbell rings. 

"Merlin, are we expecting someone?" Gaius asks, impressed.   
"Oh yes! Hope you don't mind it. It's someone you wanted to see anyway."  
"Who's that?"   
"You'll see." Merlin says, watching him with a crooked smile and gets up from the piano to welcome Morgana.

In the past month they have become as close as they could, with studies and rehearsals with Freya coming in between. They usually have lunch with Gwen, and they discovered they had both everything and nothing in common. Their tastes are quite the opposite: Merlin likes classics in every area (books, films, music) while Morgana prefers more modern products, both experimental and commercial ones. They only agreed on animated films, and they discovered that when they did a Disney marathon at Gwen's flat with the others, and they sang all the songs by heart. She has a rather beautiful voice, and if trained she could be a good singer.

Despite all the differences, Merlin likes Morgana, as much as he likes her brother (except for the sexual part, to be clear), and even more than Will, Gwen and Freya sometimes. He cares hell of a lot about them of course, but there is this wicked and playful side of Morgana (and of Arthur too) that really intrigues Merlin.

The message that she sent the night before was strange, though. They've never seen each other outside the group, and they seemed perfectly content about that. But the night before she was acting really weird when she thought he and Freya were a couple. Was she trying to hit on _him_ , of all people? He's sure she couldn't like him that way, he isn't remotely good-looking or smart (nor straight) enough for her. They aren't even enough close so that he could tell her he's gay, while she knew Freya from so much longer, and she was already out and proud. He doesn't want to hurt her feelings either.

So, to avoid the embarrassment, he accepted her invitation with a condition: to have their coffee at Gaius' house so that he could see her too, since the old man seemed to be missing her dearly too.

"Morgana, long time no see, my dear! How are you?" Gaius hugs her as if he were his grandfather.  
"Too much I fear! I'm perfectly fine thanks. I'm so sorry I didn't visit sooner, but since Merlin lives here now I thought I should come. Hope I didn't interrupt anything."   
"Oh, don't worry! We were only playing the piano, and we were almost done actually."   
Morgana frowns and asks: "Does Uther know you still play the piano?"   
"Yes he does, and we had enough of fights about that, but I'm not his servant and he can't tell me what to do. I'm older than him too, for God's sake, he can't expect that music could corrupt my soul any more now."   
Merlin can't follow their conversation.  
"What's wrong with playing the piano? And how on earth could music corrupt someone? It's not actually power or money!"   
"That's a long story, my lad. Morgana, why don't you tell him while I'll prepare some tea?"   
"I think I'll need coffee for it, if you have it."   
"Of course, of course."

While Gaius heads to the kitchen, Morgana and Merlin seat by the sofa, and she starts telling what it must be the most curious story.  
"Well, how can I tell this. Let's start with the fact that Uther bans everything that has to do with music in our house. No radio, no disks, no CDs and hell no singing or playing any instrument."  
"What the buggering hell??!! Why?"   
"Long story short, when I was 11 and Arthur was 10, Ygraine, Arthur's mother died. She was a professional soprano, and she was rather good, but the long tournées exhausted her and the homesickness became almost unbearable. But she loved her work too, such as her family and she couldn't just decide to quit singing, even if Uther begged her. One night she was found dead for an antidepressant overdose in a hotel room in Stockholm. Legend has it that Uther and Ygraine were soulmates, her death wrecked him, and he will never be over it. He convinced himself that music is corrupting, and he never allowed us to have anything to do with it from that moment."  
"But... Isn't Arthur your brother? And yesterday he said... And you sang with me... And..." Merlin mind was reeling.  
"Arthur is only my step-brother and apparently, we both know how to keep our secrets, even from each other." 

Gaius comes with a tray of coffee cups and some biscuits and interrupts the convention.  
"So, Morgana, apart from Merlin and me, what brings you here unannounced today?"   
"Well actually I was hoping to ask Merlin a favour."  
Gaius gives her what Merlin calls _the eyebrow expression_ , that is the one he makes when he doesn't believe what he's hearing, or he's secretly judging you.  
"What do you need? Is it anything private? We could go to my room if that's so."  
"No no. I wasn't sure, but now I actually believe that Gaius will keep our secret."   
"What's that about?"   
"I want to learn how to play the piano. Ygraine taught me some basics when I was young, but it's been a long time since I touched a key. It's not that I want "to corrupt my soul", mind you. But lately I was feeling down, and I am not Arthur. I can't just go for a run. Will you help me?"  
Merlin and Gaius are left blinking and without words, mouth slightly opened and coffee mugs on their hand. They lived together for only a month, and they were already mimicking each other.

"I'll take that as a no. I'm sorry if I bothered you." Morgana says a little defeated, all her sharpness and confidence fading away.   
"Oh no! Of course, we'll teach you! You've just got me by surprise. I'm not a good piano teacher, but Gaius can help me. But, what will Uther say?"   
"He must not know! I want to do this only for myself and not to please him, just as Arthur does. Do you understand me?"   
"I do." Says Merlin, seriously "Show us what you remember then. The piano is over there." 

The smile she gives him is so bright that Merlin is sure that Uther must be some kind of monster for how he treats his children, and also kind of blind for not seeing how smart they are.

* * *

Merlin is already outside the door, wearing sport clothes and a bag with a change of clothes as Arthur _demanded_ in hand. It's a rather hot day for being October, _global warming be damned_ , and he's sure he is going to hate this day with every fibre of his body. Evilness runs in Morgana's family, and you can tell they are related just by starting from that.

When Arthur arrives, he lowers the windowsill and calls Merlin in. Arthur is wearing a pair of sunglasses and Merlin wonders when will he stop staring at him. It's not that such a normal accessory could make someone even more hot, _right?_  
Arthur starts the car and gets in the street, so Merlin clears his throat and asks: "So, where are we going?"   
"I'm going to teach you how to play tennis."   
"Tennis???"   
"Yes, _Mer_ lin. Tennis. It's a sport. With two rackets and one small yellow ball. Do you happen to know it? Even nerds like you know what tennis is."   
"I know what tennis is, you clotpole. And, just to remind you, you are a bit of a nerd too. But, did you hit your head on the way here, to decide I was the perfect person to play tennis with?"   
"Come on, Merlin, don't be a girl's petticoat."   
"No, Arthur. I'm being realistic. I'm the worst athlete on earth, and the main physical exercise I do is when I ride my bike to leave it by the tube or climb the stairs to my bedroom! Not only that, but I'm clumsy and most of all, I am blind! I only hope not to lose a contact lens when you'll hit me in the face."  
"First, you didn't tell me what the show was about, and you wanted to torture me with classical music and awful performances, when you didn't know I could actually like it. Admit it, you're a bit sadist too. Second, I didn't know you wear glasses, but that's too late now. And third, I thought you were my friend, and you would like to try something new with me. I guess I was wrong." The disappointed expression on Arthur was too much to bear. They only knew each other well enough for what, two weeks, and Merlin is already sure he was going to move mountains for Arthur, if he asked him to. 

"But here I am, aren't I? I won't promise to stop complaining, but who knows. Maybe beating me relentlessly will cheer you up enough." Merlin says, pointing a finger to Arthur's face. He still doesn't smile though, so he turns the radio on to distract himself from the pang of guilt he is feeling right now. They listen to some pop songs in silence for a while until Merlin recognizes the next song, just from the intro. "Oh I love this song!" He shouts.   
"I thought you listened only to classical music, Merlin."   
"Well. This song is a 80s classic!"   
Then he starts to stupidly sing the lyrics to cheer Arthur up.

> _We have... the chance to turn the pages over._

He looks at an unmoved Arthur, suggesting him to continue the lyrics, but he still doesn't answer. 

> _We can write what we want to write ..._   
>  _We gotta make ends meet, before we get much older!_

Still, there's no answer from Arthur. But he doesn't give up and still sings making the weirdest faces he can manage.

> _We're all someone's daughter_   
>  _We're all someone's son_   
>  _How long can we look at each other_   
>  _Down the barrel of a gun?_

At that Arthur slowly grins, and he shouts with Merlin:

> _You're the voice, try and understand it_   
>  _Make a noise and make it clear_   
>  _Oh, whoa_   
>  _We're not gonna sit in silence_   
>  _We're not gonna live with fear_   
>  _Oh, whoa_

At the end of the song they crack up laughing until they can't even breath.  
"You know, I still don't know who's the singer" Merlin admits.  
"It's John Farnham." Arthur answers, echoes of their laugh in his voice.   
"John who?"   
"Farnham."   
"Aaah yeah, John Farmer."   
"You. Are. An. Idiot." Arthur finally says, fondly. "You've got a nice voice, though."  
How can Arthur always insult and compliment at the same time, it's a mystery to Merlin.   
"Thanks, you too."   
"That's because I'm a Greek God."  
 _Yes you are_ , Merlin thinks. But he will NEVER say that out loud. 

Playing tennis with Arthur ends up being exactly how he expected it to be: hard, sweaty and _painful._ Arthur obviously beats him every time and Merlin never manages to catch the ball, making Arthur laugh viciously every time he gets hit from it. But that was OK, if it could add a new kind of Arthur's laughters to his list, _not that he is making one_. And it was OK to do sport too, if he could have a front-row seat to the view of his muscles, sweaty and stretched under his t-shirt. 

At the end he is sore, starving and tired.  
"You know Arthur, I hate you for making me do this." Merlin says, hiding a smile.  
"I really doubt that."   
"I do indeed! That's why you'll have to invite me another time to change my mind." Wow Merlin, _are you actually flirting with Arthur_? Apparently yes.   
"I suppose I'll do." _Is Arthur flirting back_? All this sport must have gone to his head.

They change their clothes and get in Arthur's car, but Merlin finds out that he doesn't really want this day to be over and a flash of sadness passes his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This time I'll have to link two things on the notes.  
> First, the , [blinking](https://www.google.com/search?q=sword+in+the+stone+arthur+blinking&client=ms-android-huawei-rev1&prmd=ivsn&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiqrbPFqMXuAhVCEWMBHX8xDhEQ_AUoAXoECAMQAQ&biw=360&bih=654&dpr=3#imgrc=MIHaJQ0fx9chbM) scene with Gaius and Merlin stare is inspired from The sword in the stone. I know it's Arthur who makes that face, but i love it.  
> Second, for the newbies in the Merlin fandom, the song scene by John Farnham is inspired from a cracking [video](https://youtu.be/cgbXzTphStw) video of the bts of Merlin.


	6. Family secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I shouldn't warn you for this, but here we are: this chapter is explicit and has sexual content. THIS IS NOT PORN, it's simply the description of a first time (don't want to spoiler it). Let me know if you liked the way I pictured it.

* * *

**FAMILY SECRETS**

_Arthur_ 💔

* * *

Arthur has never been the jealous kind of person. Well, except for that one time when a boy tried to steal the new toy he brought to his class on his first day of primary school, but that doesn't count because stealing is unfair and against the law, he knew it at that time too. We shouldn't count that time when Mithian was seeing her previous boyfriend either, that was only because that guy was an ass with her. Also, we shouldn't consider all the times Morgana tried to get all his father's attention when he already had none or when she (still) steals some of his clothes to sleep in because they are "softer", as if she couldn't afford some soft trousers on her own. So, well, maybe, he can be kind of jealous, but only when it comes to his property.

This doesn't explain why, when he drove Merlin home, jealousy was the only feeling in his brain. Arthur was perfectly fine, and also happy to see his old friend Gaius waiting on the door arms outstretched, waiting for a hug. But when he said "My boy, Merlin! Yesterday you brought me Morgana and today Arthur! I don't deserve you" something clicked on Arthur. He quickly and almost politely dismissed himself with the excuse of being late for dinner, and he avoided the hurt face on Merlin on purpose.

Apparently Merlin was seeing his sister without telling him. She's always been secretive, but Merlin usually babbles about everything and almost never shuts up, yet he didn't tell him he saw his sister. It was his right to know, after all. _And what on earth were they doing alone_? Arthur knew they were friends, but he never imagined they were this close, and when Morgana said Merlin was his best friend he honestly believed she was only teasing. He and his sister are like the sun and the moon, two complete opposites (he and Arthur too, but that's not the point), so it is a wonder they are this close.

 _Are they secretly dating and Morgana is ashamed of him_? But anyone should be proud of being with him! He is smart, handsome and kind to his fault, even if he's clumsy and doesn't wear fancy clothes.  
 _Is Merlin the one who keeps this secret, fearing of losing his friendship because he was dating his sister_? This seems the most logical answer. But that afternoon he thought they were flirting, and Merlin isn't very subtle. Arthur actually saw him looking at his arse a pair of times, but perhaps he was only projecting: he constantly looks at Merlin's perfect round arse whenever he has the chance. 

But still, his jealousy was completely unreasonable. Merlin is free and Arthur doesn't own him, nor Morgana, even if she is _his_ step-sister. They can do whatever the hell they want to, without telling him.

* * *

These thoughts torture Arthur for three whole weeks, until he can't bear them anymore. He still talks with Merlin and sees him, but his behaviour never changes and once they are together it's too easy to fall in their camaraderie and don't actually ask each other out. Yet, Merlin continues to spend a lot of time with Arthur's sister, even more than he spends with him, and Arthur, admits it, _is also a selfish bastard_.

But one day, at lunch with Merlin _and Morgana,_ Arthur abruptly asks them: "Are you two shagging?"   
Both of them choke on their food and, OK he was rather brute.  
"What?" Morgana laughs, mouthful of pasta and a hand over her mouth to cover it.  
"You know Morgana. Don't need to be chaste between us. Are you two having sex, seeing each other, _dating?"_  
"What gave you this idea?" Merlin asks shocked.  
"Well you know, you're always together. _Always."_  
"I'm always with you too. And sometimes I see also Will and the others. This doesn't mean anything."   
"Yes I know, but you don't invite me or Freya _every day_ by yours at late evenings, and then I don't come home snicking as she does." Arthur points his fork to her.  
Merlin and Morgana stares at each other, wide-eyed and mumbling some nonsense without emitting a sound. Yes, they're definitely hiding something.  
"So?"  
Merlin panics visibly and says: "Yes, we are dating!"   
Arthur is too heartbroken to notice Morgana face-palm, and he has to look okay with that, but he only manages an: "Oh" bitter and low voiced, and _stabs_ his salad with the fork.  
They look concerned, so he makes up for it saying: "Not that I have anything to say. I would have liked to know this earlier though, that's it."   
Morgana looks visibly relieved, but Merlin still is somehow sad.

So Merlin is straight, dating his step-sister, and he wasn't flirting with him but only being overly friendly. He should have known his fantasies about Merlin were too good to be true, after all. 

Once at home he concedes himself one last wank in the shower, thinking about how attractive Merlin was while playing the piano, and also sexy in tennis robes and about his perfect mouth right where his hand was working.

* * *

His mood doesn't improve in the next days. He still can't take Merlin out of his mind when he's not studying or training, and he couldn't even read in peace. But there was nothing to do with that. He'll stay his best friend, and that will be all.

Morgana and Merlin seem to do everything in their power to not make him mad or sick by kissing or holding hands in public, but maybe that works for them. And if he was being honest, they worked pretty well together. They might even be soulmates now that he thinks of it. Arthur saw a glimpse of Merlin's tattoo on his right arm when they were playing and his sleeve rolled up a little, and he wasn't sure, but it seemed to be a tarot card. He has absolutely no idea what Morgana's tattoo is because, when she came home from the ritual, she was so mad she didn't talk for a whole week, so he didn't dare to ask. But he knows for sure that she has it on her left arm, just as Arthur, because once he saw her covering it in the bathroom.

Maybe, he should start dating and fantasizing about someone far more approachable. All his friends have a partner though, so he starts making a list in his head of possible dates. His friend Leon from the football club is nice, but he doesn't know if he's gay, and he doesn't want to commit the same error he did with Merlin; Freya is a lesbian and Will is just HUH, so they are all out of the question.  
This only leaves Gwen. He has never thought about her that way, but she is intelligent, funny and kind (quite as Merlin). And she is attractive too, which helps, but most of all she is single and straight without a doubt. She might turn out to be his soulmate if he really thinks of it, but he doesn't know what her tattoo looks like, and now he is just over thinking.

He brings up his courage and asks Gwen out on a date with a message. He might have been too careless, since they don't know each other that well, and they never flirted, but who cares now, right? 

He's too anxious to wait near the phone, so he goes downstairs to watch some telly. When he returns to his room he looks at his phone and there's a message from Gwen. 

> That was unexpected, but... Yeah, why not? How about Saturday at 6 pm?

So, OK, this is the _end._ But it will always be also a new "adventure" and Arthur is excited.

* * *

"You brought me flowers, Arthur! They are lovely! You know you didn't have to." Gwen says, smiling and sniffing at their scent.  
"I wanted to be nice, for once in a while."   
"Merlin would have laughed at that, if he heard you. But I know you can be sweet too." Gwen is always too polite to admit that he might be a prat, but she seems sincere.  
"Yes, he would. But, could we not talk about him tonight?"   
"Yes, of course. We are here for us, after all. Anyway, thank you. Sunflowers are my favourites." Gwen says, with a shy smile.   
"Yes I know. You mentioned it once. You said roses are overrated."   
"How do you remember that?"   
"I pay attention… sometimes." Arthur says smug.

They opted for the most cliché of dates: dinner with a film.  
They watch a soppy B-movie first. One where two people have the perfect love story, but then one betrays the other, but they end up together again declaring unending love and other crap. Arthur doesn't know why they chose precisely this film, maybe he thought it was romantic. But it was worth it to see the wicked laugh hidden behind Gwen's face during the most cheesy and rather dumb scenes of the film.

They have a wonderful dinner then, laughing about the film and at old anecdotes. They also have fun gossiping about the hypothetical life of the couples in the restaurant, imagining the worst scenarios ever. So, young and innocent Gwen, isn't all this innocent. Arthur likes that and can't hide the smile and the affection he is starting to feel. They also talk about serious things though such as the future, politics and social justice without never getting bored. This has only happened with Merlin, but they spend time also insulting each other, and it's nice to have such conversations with a person who doesn't call him a clotpole.

At the end of the evening, he finds himself happier than he's been in a month and mind free of Merlin. He drives Gwen home, still smiling and not overthinking for the first time.

In front of Gwen's flat building, Gwen is suddenly serious and Arthur starts to panic.  
"I want to be honest with you, Arthur." And oh god, _she is going to tell him he's hopeless, isn't she?_ But then she looks at him intensely and says: "I wasn't expecting anything like this with you tonight. We didn't know each other very well, and I still don't know what came to our minds to go on a date, out by impulse. Now, don't get this to your head, but I had one of the funniest date ever with you tonight. So, thank you."

Arthur is so stunned and flattered that he doesn't think anything anymore. He leans on her and kiss her on the lips. The kiss is chaste, quick and sweet at first, but then it's Gwen's turn to return the kiss. All changes to something more eager, open-mouthed and wet. Then she stops the kiss abruptly, leaving Arthur leaning on the air.  
 _The kiss was good! Why stopping that? Did his breath stink?_  
"Since we've established that this is the night of impulses, I want to ask you something I've never done before. But you're a friend, and we knew each other before, so... Freya's out of town with her dance academy this weekend, and Percy and Will are working 'till late. Would you like to come in?"  
Arthur is shocked now. _Yes, Gwen isn't innocent at all_!   
"Yes, I'd love to. But it's been a long time, mind you."   
"For me too, so that's not a problem." 

When they're in Gwen's bedroom, they slowly undress each other. Unfortunately, she only has a single bed, but they'll manage to stay comfortable if he'll stay for the night.  
Gwen was pretty with her yellow dress that evening, but without it she's even better, Arthur thinks. Probably she is thinking the same thing of him, by the way she is watching his abs, biting her own lower lip. She's soft and has nice curves and breast, and all Arthur can do now is laying on his back on the bed. He's always in control of everything, but when he has sex he just wants to let it go and let the others treat him.  
"Fuck, I didn't bring a condom." Arthur suddenly remembers and he covers his face with his forearms. Gwen lowers his hands, kisses him lightly and says: "I know you didn't. You're too chivalrous to think about sex on the first date, but I'm a modern and independent woman, in my way. So... I have them."  
Arthur lets out a laugh and watches her taking out a box from the bedside table.  
They kiss for a while more, tentatively touching each other, and when he's hard enough he puts the condom on and have sex.  
Just as their first kiss, it is sweet and good. They fall asleep soon after, her head cuddled on top of him so that he could smell a scent of flowers coming from her hair.

When they wake up in the morning they notice their soulmate tattoos and that they incredibly match.  
She has a Knight helmet, with an inscription saying "Of justice and sacrifice" on her right forearm, and he can recognize himself in that. He, instead, has half face of an owl on his left arm. Arthur always thought that, since owls are metaphors for intelligence, but are also strong and protective birds, his soulmate should be smart and bold. Gwen is surely both things, but a voice in the back of his head is saying that he only has _half_ owl. So, his soulmate should make him feel complete, as if he were a part of a missing whole, and that he or she would be his "right arm" in mischiefs, other than in life. Arthur and Gwen weren't on that level yet, but he hopes that in the future they will be. He has naturally some doubts, but he isn't willing to give away his one and only meet with the druid for Gwen right now.

Arthur's next thoughts run to Merlin though, but he believes that, that is because he is his best friend, and he ONLY wants to tell him all about his new girlfriend. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow two chapters in a day today. I felt inspired. This one is the longest I've written by far and is probably full of errors (i edited as much as I could). This is also kind of experimental and let me know if you liked it. I can't wait to continue but I need time to build the text in my head before I can put it on paper. I wanted to make some images or link the tattoos to what I had in mind, but I haven't time to draw them (and the pictures would have been awful, since I can draw a little but only on actual paper). So, I decided to simply describe them and leave them to your imagination. Maybe one day I will add the images too if you like it or if you want to draw them for me!


	7. Rapunzel, let down your hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brace yourself for drama.
> 
> Ps. I wrote this chapter on the 23rd of January. Yesterday (4th February), during my rewatch of Merlin, I watched The tears of Uther Pendragon Pt. 2 (3rd season), and I noticed that they sort of made a reference to the Dance Macabre (one of Arthur's favourite pieces in this chapter) in the soundtrack, when they fight against the undead army. Please rewatch that episode and tell me I'm not actually crazy and seeing something there isn't. Because noticing that, made me proud af.

* * *

**RAPUNZEL, LET DOWN YOUR HAIR**

_Morgana_ 🗝️

* * *

Pretending to be Merlin's girlfriend turned out to be much easier than Morgana thought. Actually, this was also the best excuse to hide what they're doing at Gaius' home, even if at first she believed they couldn't do it and that Merlin was the worst liar ever. He's always so sincere and always speaks his mind or express his feelings, something that neither Morgana nor Arthur would ever be able to do, thanks to Uther and his cold-hearted parenting.

But that act from Merlin, lying to Arthur for her, opened a big soft spot for him in Morgana's heart, one she has never had for no one. She didn't really want to lie to his brother, she knew he'll never turn her to Uther, but Merlin somehow understood that the fewer knew, the better it was. And Arthur is his best friend, everyone could see that, even though they constantly bicker and slap each other. Hence, for Merlin must have been really hard to do that for Morgana's sake. So, it was easy to feign a stronger affection for him, since it was not fake at all. 

Obviously there couldn't be anything more than that, and she was slowly, very, very slowly trying to accept she was sexually and romantically attracted to women only.

Morgana can't exactly say how she knows it, but she always suspected that she wasn't as the other girls of her age. All they talked about were boys, but all she could think was having a house to spare with her best (girl) friend of that time. No plans in kissing nor having sex with a boy had ever passed her mind.  
In her teens, she even started to have erotic dreams about actresses and girls she knew, but she gave them little thoughts, since dreams don't have much sense, no matter what Freud says.  
Then she started to desire a boyfriend, just to feel loved, and started dating. It wasn't hard to find someone who asked her out, since she's beautiful and confident. She also had sex with some of them, but she never felt satisfied, and sometimes it hurt too, and obviously her relationships never lasted.

But she was completely sure to be destined to stay alone when she had her soulmate tattoo. She wasn't even sure if she wanted to do the ritual, but she was young and hopeful to find the _right_ guy. However, she got a "Queen Bee, with a little crown and flowers around it" tattoo, and she didn't understand it at first. Male bees don't last long, their only purpose is procreation, while the females create the hive and protect it. _Was her soulmate a bossy one who let the others do the hard work? Was her soulmate evil?_ Bees sting after all. She gave away her own meeting with the druid that same day, too scared to find out she was right. Morgana discovered that she was the Queen Bee instead, in search of her hive and someone to protect her. That was all Aglain, the druid, said to her and wouldn't give other explanation. She hated herself so much for that because, anyway, that made a _fucking_ lot of sense, and she didn't want that. She didn't want to feel an evil monster, and didn't want to have a male partner who never lasted (there are no King Bees) and she didn't want a girlfriend either.  
Not that there's something wrong about _that._ Everyone makes their choices for life, but that just wasn't for her. She only wanted to be _normal._ Hence, she locked her emotion inside and built a wall over her heart, so that no one will never know who she really is.  
But this is hard to forget, and lying to yourself by repeating _I'm attracted to Merlin, not Freya_ like a mantra, on the long run it is exhausting.

Merlin never expected something from her, such as kisses or sex, since it was all a farce. They only held hands and kissed on the cheek to keep up with the pretence, claiming to be uncomfortable with too much public display of affection, and that made her comfortable and started to like what they were doing. She also felt loved by him for helping her in a way no one would have. But it is clear enough that her faked relationship with Merlin can't be a permanent solution. Even if Morgana will end up alone in her life, Merlin deserves so much better and to find his soulmate. But for now, that works.

They had to tell all their friends about their "relationship" though, and they all looked a little shocked but happy for them. They even said they looked cute and that they kind of worked well together. Except for Arthur, but probably because he's afraid for his bestie, but Morgana didn't react as he did, when they all found out about him dating Gwen. Arthur was just weird and selfish sometimes.

* * *

Morgana is in her room, writing an essay due for the next week, humming the melody from an exercise she is practising this week, when she hears Arthur and Merlin laughing from the living room. She realizes she has never invited him home and that makes her feel rather guilty, so she goes downstairs to greet him.

Arthur and Merlin are sitting on the couch, looking the same book on Merlin's lap, sitting a little too close and smiling at something they are reading. _Is it weird to find them rather cute together?_

"Hello Arthur. Merls!" Morgana greets them from the bottom of the stairs and behind the couch. They both snapp, turn to her and both shout: "Morgana!" _And, yeah, that is weird._  
"What are you doing? You look as you were caught stealing candies from the kitchen."   
"Merlin, tell her what we're doing!" Arthur says and Merlin panics.   
"I'm...teaching him some poetry!" Merlin tells her and Arthur looks at him as if betrayed.   
"I like poetry, you know. Shakespeare and stuff." Arthur tells her shrugging.  
"Poetry? This doesn't sound weird from you two. So, what's the problem?" Morgana crosses her arms and smirks.  
"We didn't know you were here! I would have come to you first!" Merlin says eyes wide and blinking with panic. Yes, Merlin is not the best liar sometimes but well _who cares_ , now that is almost two weeks they are fake dating and no one has caught them yet. What they were doing is none of her business.

"Don't worry, _darling" -_ They agreed to use that word sometimes, to keep up with the pretence - She reassures him giving him her usual kiss on the cheek. "You know, I heard you laughing from my room, and I was feeling guilty of not having invited you here before. Is it your first time in our manor, or Arthur has better manners than me?"   
"I always have better manners than you 'Gana! Anyway no, I haven't invited him here before. There was always Uther, or you two dating, or Gwen, or studies in the middle. Where's Father by the way?"   
"He told me he had a meeting, and he's working till late. He said to order dinner just for us because he's eating in the office."  
"Oh OK then! So we can show Merlin around without the fear of Uther scaring him with awfully long stories about the Manor and telling him not to touch anything with filthy hands, and threatening him to lock him in the dungeons if he caught him stealing." Arthur says nodding.  
"You have dungeons in your house?" Merlin is adorable when scared.  
"No, but our great-grandfather used to have some stocks. Perhaps we should find them to lock you in there, when you are being unreasonable." Arthur replies, grinning maliciously.   
"You aren't serious right. Morgana, _my love_ , help me from him!"   
"Yes Morgana, help him. Be the strong Knight who save this damsel in distress." Arthur says, giving Merlin an uncomfortable one-armed hug.  
"I am not a girl!!"   
Morgana can't help but laugh. Yes, they are really cute together.

Their manor is huge, but the only three of them live there. They have a housemaid who cleans, do the laundry and get supplies two or three times a week. But it is rather empty, with only the old but restored furniture and the big fireplace giving some sort of family warmth in there. There was also Ygraine's music room, but it was locked when she died and no one dared to go in there to avoid either sadness or Uther's anger. Only the maid was allowed to enter, to clean it once in a while.

But now Uther was away, and she really wants to hear Merlin play on that white grand piano Ygraine used to practice. There should be also some vinyls, a radio and an old turntable. And then she has a wonderful, and very dangerous, idea.  
"You know. Since we are absolutely alone... I would like to hear Merlin play on Ygraine's piano." Arthur stares at her, a bit mad and a bit sad too.   
"Are you insane?" He finally asks.   
"Well it was just an idea. You know I think that your mother would be really happy to see it used and not covered. She would like to see us happy too." Morgana is saying that terribly serious.

Ygraine was only his stepmother, but Morgana loved her anyway, and she was one of the sweetest person she knew. But most of all Morgana deeply cares about his brother, even if she always pretends not to. Arthur is considering it, she can say it by his features, but Merlin is concerned and says: "We shouldn't do it, Arthur. I don't want to cause any problems."   
But Arthur is still watching Morgana, and says: "Let's do it."  
"Yes!! Damn, I don't know where the key is though."   
"That's not a problem, because I do."   
Arthur straightens his back and heads resolutely towards Uther's bedroom, and returns looking both mischievous and like the leader he was born to be.

They get into the music room, a grand piano covered with a big blanket and curtains closed. They opened the curtains to let the late evening light brighten the room, and they uncover the white Steinway piano.  
"It's beautiful!!" Merlin blurts out. He looks like a kid in a toy store.   
"No one has touched this piano in over ten years. It must be out of tune because of the heating and the years, but it will work well enough for just the three of us." Morgana says smiling at him.   
"And look at this vinyl collection! I only have one with a collection of Monteverdi's madrigals and some rock ones 'cause my father preferred live music. And look at this Turntable! Mine's in Ealdor and was so cheap it doesn't work any more."   
"You like it?" Arthur says, frowning, curling his upper lip up, just as he does when he's both proud and surprised.  
"Obviously I like it! It must be an Acoustic Research one, and it costs a thousand quid second handed!"   
They all smile to each other and feel somehow happy in their _illegal_ adventure.

* * *

"So, what should I play? Have you any request?" Merlin says as he seats at the piano. "But please no Einaudi. I hate his works. They are so commercial it hurts sometimes."   
"Oh no! I like [Nuvole Bianche](https://youtu.be/B2P7k_pHJ-k)!"   
"That's because you, Morgana, have an awful taste, _darling._ "   
"Arthur, what's your favourite piece? Maybe I know the piano version."  
"I have too many."   
"Well then just pick the oddest one. I'm tired of playing "[Claire de Lune](https://youtu.be/XkgyOZxIw0k)" and Chopin Nocturnes. Don't get me wrong. I love them. But I'm up for a challenge."  
Arthur bites his lips and held his hand behind his neck, a bit nervous. _Is he trying to impress him? Just say one piece Arthur!_  
"You know I like Saint-Saëns. Do you perhaps know an [adaptation](https://youtu.be/VUtA5jlpGjw) of the "[Danse Macabre](https://youtu.be/71fZhMXlGT4)"?"  
Merlin looks fondly shocked and satisfied. "Yes I happen to know one by Liszt. But I don't remember it very well. I'll need the score."  
Arthur runs away from the room without saying a word, leaving Merlin and Morgana looking at each other confused. He returns in a second, holding an iPad.   
"Here!" Arthur says, putting the pad with the score right in front of him, with as little grace as possible.   
"You surely know how to get what you want." Merlin teases. 

Merlin plays the piece, not at all perfectly since he's sight-reading, but Arthur still stares at him like he's something precious and Merlin doesn't even notice. _Who knows if he watches Gwen the same way as he does with Merlin_ , and who knows if Morgana will ever find someone to look at the same way.

At the end of the piece, feeling a bit sad, she says: "Merlin, why don't we show Arthur what you taught me?"   
Merlin watches her as if she's gone mad and somehow silently saying _weren't we pretending to be together to hide this?_ And with the same telepathic way, she answers _isn't it a bit too late for that?_  
Arthur looks surprised, but it doesn't take much to surprise him for Morgana.  
Merlin uncomfortably swifts to give her some space, and they start playing at four hand a silly exercise for beginners, but that makes Morgana proud of her achievement.

They start to relax and play some more until they notice someone staring at them. It's Uther. Uther and the angriest expression on his face she's ever seen on him. They all freeze in front of him. 

"Who is he, and what are you two doing?" Uther says, dangerously watching at Arthur.   
"I'm Merlin."  
"No one asked you to speak. So, Arthur. Who is he?"   
"You're early!" Arthur answers, trying to compose himself.   
"That wasn't my question."  
"He's Merlin. My friend and Morgana's boyfriend." Arthur says trembling. _Did you really have to tell him that?_  
"Morgana's..." Uther inhales trying to calm down "Why are they playing the piano, and why did you permit that?" He says, still not watching in Morgana's direction.  
"That was my idea. Merlin is a good pianist, and we were only having fun. I thought _she_ would have liked it." Arthur tries to take most of the guilt upon himself.   
"Don't take your mother in this conversation!" Uther dangerously says and then he turns to Morgana and says "I want you and your _boyfriend_ out of this house and never come back. You can pack your things and leave."   
"YOU CAN'T DO THAT! IT IS NOT AS I MURDERED SOMEONE!!" Morgana screams to Uther for the first time in her life.  
"I said it was my idea father. You can't ban Morgana and Merlin for something I did." _Why is Arthur defending her? Oh, yes he's only doing it for Merlin._   
"But she is the one who is playing."  
"She'll never do that again! Anyone deserves second chances. We deserve to be punished, not a life sentence."

There was a silence so dense it was deafening, and then there was Merlin standing and speaking:  
"I know you didn't asked me to speak, _my Lord,_ but let me tell you something. If you can't see how precious and special your son and daughter are, and you still prefer to ban them from your house for your own pride, then it's all your fault. Especially because they are adults and living in a free land. You can still ban me from your house though, since it was more my fault than theirs. I knew you didn't approve this, but I accepted their desires and encouraged them, just as you should. And as Morgana eloquently said, she didn't murder anyone. On the contrary she made Ygraine's soul reborn here. So, if you ban her from your house, then you must have certainly some brain damages, and she'll be welcome to stay by mine as long as she wishes."

Merlin really is the bravest and selfless man they knew.  
Uther is gobsmacked and standing still, watching Merlin pack his things and head to the door.  
"Morgana, Arthur. If you need anything you know where to find me." Then he goes out the manor, leaving them dealing with Uther. 

"So?" Morgana risks saying.  
"You're grounded. Both of you. And for the future, I'll want to know everything you're doing and where are you going and why. Morgana, you'll never have the enterprise. You've just proved to me that you can't be trusted."  
"You can't do that! You know how hard I worked for that." Morgana says, tears in the corners of her eyes.  
"Yes I can. And you go to your room."  
Being treated like a child, being almost thrown out of her house and Arthur watching is too much for her to bear.   
"And you Uther, you can go to hell." She says and goes to her room, managing held her tears and to start crying only when her door is closed.

* * *

> “Merls: are you OK? Still banned from your house? Is Arthur alive?”  
> “Me: No, I'm not”  
> “Merls: OK or banned”  
> “Me: Both. I'll never get the enterprise. Arthur's alive and well. Only grounded. I guess privileged kids get that.”  
> “Merls: Come and stay with me for a while, and we will find a plan together. Gaius already said yes”  
> “Me: how? Uther _put his guards on my door_. He wants to know everything from now on”  
> “Merls: I have an idea. I'll be back in a tick. Pack your things”

He never trusted anyone more than Merlin at this moment, so she puts down her phone and starts to pack everything she can. 

She is closing the last bag (she has prepared five, more or less) when she hears something banging on the window, like a little stone. She opens the window and looks down to find Merlin and Gwen on the yard.

Merlin reaches out his phone and types something and Morgana's phone rings.

> “Merls: Rapunzel! Let down your hair!... I mean throw your bags out of the window. We'll catch them”

She softly laughs at that, and then she does what he says careful not to let them fall because some things are fragile, such as her laptop.

Then Arthur comes out from behind a tree, wearing his sports clothes and looking as if he just went for a run. _Seriously??_   
Then Arthur takes a rugby ball with a rope tangled in a thick rope.  
There's another message from Merlin. 

> “Merls: take the ball. Tie the rope to your bed or desk and climb down”

Then the ball is suddenly in her room, landing loudly. _How did Arthur throw it this far?_  
She starts to do what Merlin sad, ties the rope to the desk and tries to climb down the window, but she's scared. It is pretty high from her room and the rope doesn't seem long enough. But now she has nothing to lose.

She trembles furiously, but she somehow manages to get down until she feels strong hands on her waist, and she is finally touching the ground. Arthur actually helped her. She guesses he's feeling guilty. 

"Father thinks I'm out for a run, so I'll better go back. Write me when you're home. Then I'll delete the messages."  
He goes away kissing Gwen and giving a pat at Merlin.

With Gwen, they manages to get all her things by Gaius without struggling too much on the train. When they arrive she tightly hugs Gwen and thanks her, while Merlin grabs her bags and tooks them to his room.

Now she will expect a long and awkward conversation with Gaius about not having sex while he's home, and they will have to tell him all the truth.

But if she survived this long, there's nothing that could stop her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. That was hard. I've never wrote so much in my life, but I'm enjoying every part of it. I still have so many ideas and a lot of time to wite them, but it's always harder and that's it for today. I hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as I do, because even if it's not "funny", this is the beginning of all the drama I promised. There will surely be some more funny moments, so don't be sad.
> 
> Ps. Claire de Lune is onli the most famous movement of the [Suite Bergamasque](https://youtu.be/Ko2_WjP4id4) by Debussy. I highly recommend you to listen to the whole piece, because it's a masterpiece.  
> Chopin Nocturnes are all famous so if you google them you'll find some incredible beauty. Obviously I couldn't cite them all. Also some Ethudes by him are wonderful and you should really listen some of them.


	8. Narnia

* * *

**NARNIA**

_Merlin_ ♂️

* * *

Discovering about Arthur and Gwen _fucking_ hurt. It still hurts, to be honest. But what can you expect when you first fake date your straight crush's step-sister, to save their stupid little secret? Well, that secret isn't that stupid, having regard to the outcome, and he shouldn't have let Morgana play that piano. But that was all a mess.

Merlin blames himself for all his problems, anyway. First, he shouldn't have come up with that excuse for Morgana and Merlin secret encounters, and sacrifice his life as a single man (but he would have done it all the same, because Morgana is one of his best friends). Then, he should have seen that coming: Arthur never went over their fight-flirting and, even if he manhandles him a lot, that doesn't mean anything. But most of all, he and Gwen are perfect for each other, and their hypothetical children would be gorgeous, incredibly smart and kind.

Merlin will survive is heartbreak anyway, it is not as if he was _in love_ with Arthur. That would have been so much worse. It was just a crush to the most handsome, brave and kind prat. Merlin will never forget how he tried to stand up to his father and save them all, regardless of his love (and fear) for Uther, and he was the only reasonable one between them that evening.

At least, Merlin could remedy a little for what happened to Morgana. He hopes she'll be happier with him now, out of Uther's clutches. He always makes Arthur and Morgana feel so insecure about themselves and that is so toxic. Maybe distance will do them good, and one day they will make peace.

Gaius took all the drama situation far better than Merlin expected, though. He was willing to help Morgana, and they only received _the eyebrow_ at the fake relationship story, so he let them sleep in the same room. Gaius was only sad of disappointing Uther, since he was his friend, but what he did to Morgana was too much for him.

The problem was that Merlin has never slept with anyone. Not that he is a blushing virgin, he is simply a single child who always slept in a single bed and never stayed for the night with the guys he had sex with. Moreover, he only had one stable relationship, but it didn't last long.

* * *

Morgana, for all the times she's been in the house, passes unnoticed by Kilgarrah and Aithusa. The cat sometimes lets Morgana even take her in her lap.

Luckily, she doesn't comment on the mess of his, now their, room. She rubs her eyes, asks politely if she could get a shower, and they go to sleep.  
It feels so intimate to have someone sleep with him for the first time in his life, even if they are best friends, so he couldn't sleep. Apparently Morgana is on his same level because she is staring at the ceiling, looking both sad and uncomfortable.

"Morgana, if this is getting too weird, I can sleep on the couch! Just tell me if there's something wrong, okay?"  
"Don't be silly Merlin. It's not that."  
"Are you sad because of your father?"  
"Yes. And no."  
"No? What's the problem then? Do you fear I will unwillingly touch you through the night or some other embarrassing things? Do you talk in your sleep? You know you don't have to be afraid of me!"  
"Of course I know! It's just... I suffer from insomnia and I don't want to bother you."  
"Really? I didn't know that."  
"Yes that's the problem. We are close, but not that close. You speak more to Arthur than me and I don't know. It seems weird sleeping with you. I consider you my best friend too, but, I don't know… we really know so little about each other. We are lucky our friends didn't ask us something private to which we didn't know the answer."  
"Oh. I didn't see that from this point... You know what? I'll tell you everything you want to know if you'll do likewise. Even some secrets. I trust you, you know. What do you say? You can even start first if this makes you more comfortable."  
"That's a brilliant idea! All right, you start though."  
"Well, I'm an only child. My mother's name Hunith, and she works in a drug store. My father's name was Balinor, he was the artistic director of Ealdor's City Theatre, but he died in a car accident not long ago."  
"But Merlin! These are things I already know! Tell me something more private."  
"I don't know what to say! You start first then."  
"Mhh, OK. When I was a kid I wanted to be an engineer, but then I understood that maths was too hard. Then I wanted to be a writer, but people told me I had no talent or whatsoever. Then I wanted my father's enterprise to prove him to be worthy... I guess I only proved him right."  
Merlin blinks and turns to see her face. The confident Morgana he knew was completely gone. Arthur in a way shows his insecurities more than her, and _that's saying something_!  
"Now you're going to tell me, oh no Morgana! You're beautiful and smart and crap like that, but only want brutal honesty from you, if you want my complete trust."  
"Well, I was going to say that because I truly believe you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and you know I'm serious. But it's not beauty what makes someone special, it's what they are and what they believe in. And you are kind, fun and independent, and I see you. You're more like your brother than you'd like, but that's all there's good in you two."  
"Wow Merlin. Well, thanks." Morgana is watching him now, reddened and shy. "I believe you. Today I thought you were the bravest and selfless man I've ever known and if I'm like my brother, as you said, I believe he thought that too. But you know that I don't think of you _that_ way, right?"  
"Oh yes I know! Well..."  
"Don't get me wrong, Merlin. Any girl would be lucky to have you as their boyfriend! Just, it's not for me." Morgana says, worriedly.   
"Morgana. I was about to say that... Well... It is hard for me, but since you were so sincere with me then at least I owe you the truth."  
"You have a girlfriend back in Ealdor, and you're faking betraying her with me?" Morgana teases and _wow she really is similar to Arthur._  
"That's not actually possible."  
"So what?"   
"I'm gay."  
"YOU'RE WHAT???" She shouts and abruptly stands up. "Why didn't you tell something? Why did you fake to be my boyfriend then? Does Arthur know?"   
"Well. No one knows, except for Will -he knows we are faking, by the way, obviously- and my mum. I didn't say anything because... Well my only opened relationship ended quite badly for gay bashing. I was already the weird kid of the town and bullied for that. People threw things at me, called me names and laughed behind my back when I simply just walked in their way. I know you guys are all open-minded and caring, Freya's a lesbian after all. But I wanted to start anew here in London."  
"Merlin!" Morgana says, cupping a hand on his cheek, really concerned and caring as he never saw her doing. "You should have told us, you know? We already loved you for what you are. And I'm fairly sure he was into you."  
"I wanted to tell him, but then he thought I was dating you and I wanted to help. Now he's dating Gwen, and he's straight... So, I guess now there is nothing more to do."   
"There's still the possibility of him being bi you know. Sometimes he looks at you in a way..."

There stay silent for a while, both looking at each other and at the same time on their own thoughts.  
"How did you know you were gay. Have you... ever kissed a girl?" Morgana asks curiously.  
"It's something you just know, I don't know how to explain it. And yes. I kissed a girl once, but I won't tell anything about her. It was the weirdest experience ever." Merlin says, smiling now.   
"And how was it?"   
"I already told you. It was like any other kiss I had with boys. Soft, wet and all. But at the same time it was like kissing a relative. Weird and wrong. I don't expect you to understand that, but that's OK."  
"No. I perfectly understand you."  
"Have you kissed girls too, while sloshed?" Merlin laughs.  
"No, I've never kissed a girl actually. I'm just... Lost in Narnia." She says, so feebly it's almost inaudible.  
"Lost where?"

Morgana says nothing then, she just rolls over and covers herself with the duvet, up to her nose. Merlin thinks... _What does Narnia have anything to do about it?_ Oh. OH MY GOD. A wardrobe is a huge closet, and Narnia is a land in the biggest one. Merlin abruptly stands up and is furious.  
"Excuse me. You tell me about outing myself and that you already love me and all that, while you're the most closeted person ever??? Do you think we hate you or in reality you're the one uncomfortable around me now?"   
Then Morgana turns to look at him, angry and almost mad.   
"I only just FUCKING HATE MYSELF. I told you before! People telling me I'm bossy for being a girl, or that I'm a _witch_ for getting angry, or that I'm a disappointment or just simply not enough. And I grew up like that. With a father that barely shows love and an uncle that made me feel uncomfortable for gaining weight and for still not having a boyfriend at 14. People can do whatever they want, and I will love them no matter what, but I can't accept to be the one who's different. You, Merlin, of all people, I thought you would understand." Morgana starts to cry and OK, _Merlin is an ass_ , and a huge one apparently.

"I'm sorry, I'm so stupid" he says and turns to give her the tightest hug he can manage. She tries to resist, but finally she gives up trying and returns the hug. When she stops crying, Merlin end the embrace and says: "I'm going to make you a cup of tea and who cares about University. Tomorrow we'll stay home and treat ourselves with junk food and a Disney Marathon. What do you say?"  
Morgana gives a tight smile and nods. "All right. But we'll start with Anastasia and The Road to El Dorado."  
"They are not even Disney!"   
"But they have the best soundtrack and plot ever. No discussions."  
"Fine." 

When Merlin returns to his room with the cup of tea for Morgana, she's already sleeping. He drinks it instead and leaves the mug on his cupboard, between discarded clothes and books. Tomorrow he'll have to clean this mess, at least for her and try his best to apologize. Arthur is right, he really is an _idiot._

* * *

When Merlin wakes up, he finds himself cuddled around Morgana, with her hugging his arm as a teddy bear. He tries to unravel from her without waking her up, since she said she's a light sleeper. She only stiffens a little and blinks, looking exhausted.  
"Just sleep. I'm going to take a shower." He whispers.   
" Mmhhh" She nods. 

He is heading to the bathroom when he sees Gaius going downstairs. He stops and ask: "How is she?"  
"A wreck. But she's strong."  
"And you?"  
"Me? I'm not the one who was almost been kicked out of his house and lost his future."  
"You know what I mean, Merlin."  
"I'm fine! Just going for a shower. We'll skip lessons for today, so I can stay with her and make her feel better. See you downstairs later." 

He is shaving, a towel around his waist, while Morgana opens the door without knocking.  
He cuts himself for the shock, and while bending in pain his towel falls, and he is left naked.  
"Oh my god! Sorry!" She shouts and shuts the door to give him privacy. "Are you OK?" She asks then.   
"I'm fine." Merlin says flustered.

He dresses himself and goes to the kitchen to eat breakfast.   
Morgana is sitting at the table and looks at him, silent and embarrassed.

"What happened upstairs? I heard shouts." Gaius asks.   
"I was in the bathroom and... And..." Merlin says, starting to feel heat on his cheeks.  
"I forgot I wasn't in the manor, where I had my own bathroom. I came in without knocking and I saw Merlin... Naked." Morgana says, politely but barely hiding a smile.  
They all look at each other, trying to be serious, but then they burst out laughing.  
"Merlin, I think you should start locking the door." Gaius says smiling "Anyway, I'm going to the store. Do you need something?"   
"Chips and popcorns and Coke." Morgana says.  
"And chocolate, a LOT of chocolate. And Ice Cream" Merlin adds.  
"They're not really healthy for you, you know?"   
"Yes Dr. Gaius, we know. But who cares for today, right?!" Merlin answers.

They finish their breakfast in silence and then Merlin says: "I'm going to clean the room. Feel free to do whatever you want. It's your home too now."  
"I'll help you! I still need to unpack."   
"Oh there's plenty of time! You don't need to do it now..."  
"Merlin. Listen. If you're still embarrassed for what happened before, I'll have you know that: first, it's nothing I haven't seen before. Second, there's nothing you have to be ashamed of." Morgana says, smirking and Merlin covers his face with both hands. "Unluckily I saw your soulmate tattoo, but I will not talk about it. I hate mine so I'll completely understand."  
"OK" Merlin replies softly, still unsure and embarrassed. "And for the soulmate tattoo, it doesn't surprise me anymore that you hate yours, but I don't hide mine that much. I'm quite proud of it to be honest."   
"You are?"   
"Yes, I am. I can show it to you better if you'd like. I don't know how, but I have the feeling you haven't seen many of them since you hide yours so jealously."   
"Yes, why not." Morgana says, not hiding her curiosity very well. 

Merlin's tattoo is a "Knight of wands tarot card" on his right forearm. He tells her that when he got it, he looked at the meaning of it on the internet, to not waste his meeting with the druid. In one website he read that, if you read it upright, it means a person who's adventurous, brave, charming, open-minded, ambitious, determined and also revolutionary. But if you read it in reverse, it could also be an arrogant, jealous, show-off and competitive person.  
"I don't think this represents me, but my soulmate, even if I recognize myself in some of its traits. So, maybe my soulmate will complete the ones I don't have, and even if my soulmate could be bad, he must be also good. Two sides of the same coin."   
Morgana watches him with awe and also with the same wicked smile she and her brother use when they think someone is daft.  
"What?" Merlin asks, a bit offended.   
"You know. This sounds terribly familiar."  
"Do you know someone like that?"   
"You know my brother has the tattoo on his left arm?"   
"What does this have to do anything to do with him?"   
"Merlin? Have you heard yourself and what I told you yesterday about him?"   
"So what?"   
"So you're an idiot, and an oblivious one too."   
"Thank you, Morgana" Merlin says, a bit offended. He's not used to be insulted by her, so now he asks, out of spite: "What about yours? Why do you hate it that much?"   
"You know it Merlin."  
"Maybe, if you show it to me, I can prove you wrong. But that's your decision, you know I don't want to hurt you really."  
Morgana considers it for a while, and then she takes up her left sleeve and remove the bandage and a heavy foundation with a towel. Merlin was probably the only person, whom she has ever trusted this much, and he feels flattered.  
"It's beautiful!" He says. Taking her left hand to have a better look at it.   
"It's a fucking Queen Bee."   
"Exactly! With flowers and everything."   
"Bees sting and die soon after. The Queen is a bitch who lets the other die for her and kills the stronger one to become Queen. And there's no king for her. I asked the druid. I'm the Queen Bee, and I am a monster."  
Merlin didn't realize how far she was gone in the hatred of herself. He feels so sad for her, because she doesn't see how precious she is. So, with the firmest voice he can manage and looking straight at her, he says: "Bees are not wasps. They _only_ sting to shield their hive and their Queen. This means you are worthy to be protected and that you deserve to pursue your ambitions. Even if that means standing up to your father and _killing_ the strong one. And most of all, Queen Bees give life and produce sweet honey. Without them and their daughters, there would be no flowers, no pollination, no life at all. Do you understand? "

Morgana is left without words and completely astonished. She stands up, goes around the table and gives him a strong embrace and whispers: "This is the most beautiful thing someone has ever said to me. So, thank you. I'll never forget that."   
Merlin throat tightens and leave the embrace. He doesn't want to cry in front of her.  
"We'll have to clean the room soon if we want to start our marathon." He manages to say. She smiles and they go to their room.

* * *

Some days have passed. Morgana and Merlin go to their lectures again, but there is still no sign of Arthur.

Apparently, Uther approved Gwen as Arthur's girlfriend (maybe because of her charming manners, and she has nothing to do with music) so, she is the only one allowed to go to the manor without suspicions. 

One day they meet on the Campus café.  
"Do you need something from your room? By the way, Freya and Will don't hear from you from a long time, and we'd like to have you for dinner this evening. What do you say?" Gwen asks Morgana kindly.   
"It's a nice idea! Thank you. And I won't need anything, sweetheart. But why isn't Arthur the one who brings me things I could need?"   
"Uther kind of prohibited him to talk to both of you, and he's trying to lie low for a while, until the commotion dies down. He's well, but he's worried sick about you, you know."   
"But he still could have sent one message and then delete it from his phone, instead of using his girlfriend as a homing pigeon." Morgana snaps.  
"He's doing his best, you know it. It will do you both nothing good being both cut off from Uther." Merlin tries to defend Arthur's decisions, even if he's hurt too.   
"Don't take his side Merlin! I understand _why_ you would do it, but just don't. He didn't defend me when he found us playing, he was only trying to save his own arse."   
"Don't say that. He did defend you by being reasonable, and helped you escape. You know also that he can't just oppose Uther's decisions. He's family, and he loves him too much!"   
"I did oppose him. And what am I? Only his step-sister?"   
"Yes you did, and now here we are. And you know better than that! You know Arthur loves you, but he's knows that in the future, you'll need an ombudsman."   
"I don't see why I should need it. I don't want to mediate with Uther. Thank you."  
"You will, Morgana. Just let some time pass and everything will be fine!"   
"Okay, that's it. Gwen, please apologize to Freya and Will from me, but tonight I won't come. And Merlin. I'm sleeping on the couch from now on."  
"Oh come on! MORGANA! Please" Merlin shouts, but she's already gone.

 _What the hell is wrong with her? Why do they have to fight every time?_ Merlin only hopes that at least they will be able to make peace as they always do. He accepts Gwen's invitation hoping to relax himself for a while, and to remember he has other friends other than the disappearing Arthur and the moody Morgana.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is one of my personal favourite chapters. Hope you'll like it, because I see a lot of myself in it too.


	9. A little party never killed nobody

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me days to write it. Was it hard? Yes. Is it correct? Obviously not. Was it fun? A LOT. I hope you'll enjoy it and that you'll find the two references i made in the text.  
> I give you a clue. One is said by Merlin and is based on a bts video, the other one is said by Arthur and it's a quote from a completely different tv series.
> 
> PS. The title is inspired by [this](https://youtu.be/0ZgjmE6xdaw) song from The Grait Gatsby movie. I chose it because the parties in that novel are always bittersweet. If you haven't read it yet, do it. You won't regret it!

* * *

**A LITTLE PARTY NEVER KILLED NOBODY**

_Arthur_ 🍸

* * *

"GOOD MORNING PRINCESS!" A voice shouts behind Arthur's back. He jumps in shock and turns to see Gwaine's grinning face. He should have seen that coming though, since _princess_ is Gwaine's favourite nickname for him, since that time when they were kids and playing knights. There were no damsels to save, so one of them had to be the female one. It ended up to be Arthur when he lost at scissors paper rocks, and he will never forget that. It was embarrassing.

"You want to give me a heart attack! I think I've never seen you out of your pub since you opened it after graduation. Are you dying??" Arthur jokes.  
"No one's dying here. It's just that a little birdie told me your family problems."   
"Who??"

Gwaine and Arthur are childhood friends. Well friend is an overstatement. They grew up together since their parents were friends, and they sometimes had fun together. But as they grew up, they parted ways, and they only saw each other in Gwaine's pub once in a while, and they didn't talk anymore really.

"It was Will. He's not fond of you that lad, you know?"   
"Tell him I'm flattered and that the sentiment is reciprocated." Arthur rolls his eyes. "What did he want?"   
"He wants to throw a secret party."  
"A secret party… and what has this anything to do with me and you chasing me down on the way to university?"   
"He told me precisely - Merlin is buggering the shit out of me with his pining about Arthur and Morgana. Gwen is always shagging the posh git and I MISS MY FRIENDS.-"   
"And so he came to you... I still don't get to the point."  
"Well. He actually had a clever idea." Arthur rolls his eyes but lets him continue. "Since your father is a Nazi with his SS on you, he thought to throw a secret party in my pub, without giving you any strong connection with Merlin and Morgana. He is organizing this party with Merlin and Freya. Gwen will ask Morgana out for a drink, since apparently she and Merlin had a fight, and she is sleeping on the couch."  
"If Morgana is sleeping on the couch she must be really mad! She would never do that and would let the other one sleep on the couch! Is she alright? And Merlin?"   
"I heard they had a fight over you or something like that. Don't ask details.  
Anyway, that's where I come in. I'm your friend and, for what Uther knows I have nothing to do with Merlin, so I am "asking" you to come to the party. By this way everyone will be there, but there will be nothing suspicious. I think you should ask two of your other friends out to keep up the pretence. Also you'll get to see your sister and Merlin, they will make peace, and we'll get drunk and have fun without Uther knowing. What do you think?"  
Arthur considers it in silence and frowning for a moment, but then he smiles for the first time in a week. "I think I need to drink to find the courage to thank Will, but I'm in. When will this party be?"   
"On Saturday at 9 pm. I'll close the pub for a night. I need to have fun myself, you know?"   
"All right. Do you still have my number?"   
"Of course! See you on Friday and greet your Nazi father for me." Gwaine laughs and leaves.

* * *

Lying to Uther required less effort than Arthur thought. Their conversations, since Morgana left the house, were fewer as if it was even possible.

After Morgana's escape, Uther went through almost all the steps of grief: at first there was denial. He thought she was kidnapped by Merlin, and he was keeping her in chains. He was also ready to call the police to find her, but all her belongings were missing, so the police wouldn't have done anything.  
Then there was anger. He shouted at Arthur for every little thing, and sometimes he blamed him for her escape, making Arthur feel like a shit.   
Uther completely skipped the bargaining and depression steps and rushed through acceptance, because stubborn as he is, he would never admit "what if I let her playing" or "what if I was more good with her". He would probably say "what if Merlin never existed", but Arthur never heard that, and he was fairly sure Uther was impressed by Merlin's words from that night. But most of all, _men_ doesn't have depression.  
So, he probably accepted that Morgana wasn't going to come back home, but sometimes he still called her down for dinner, as if she had never left.

When Arthur told Uther about the party, as he is supposed to do since he must tell him everything, the conversation went something like this: "Father, I'm going to a party with Gwaine. Do you remember him?"   
"Yes, I do." He answered, his voice monotonous.   
"I'm going to invite also my mate Leon, from the football club, and Lance, a friend from the library. It will be a boys' night out. Is that OK?"   
"OK. Have fun."  
Uther then returned to eat his soup, watching it as if it contained the secrets of the universe. Arthur was concerned for him, but _damn,_ the atmosphere between them had become unbearable, and he needs his friends back (and Morgana too, but he will not say that).

Also inviting Leon and Lance was incredibly easy, even if he had to tell them all the odd situation. Leon accepted without a second thought. He said he had a long week and needed a drink, so he was in. Lance instead was the sweetest person on earth, second to Gwen obviously, and he accepted also to be the designated driver if needed.

* * *

Arthur is staring at himself in the mirror, trying to look presentable, and not as a warrior, who's just survived from hard battle with his father that lasted a little longer than a few days. But they were the hardest days of his life, since Ygraine's death.

"Are you nervous?" Gwen smooth voice comes his bedroom door.  
She goes to hug him from his back, and they both looked at their reflection.  
"You're beautiful." Arthur says, fond but tired too.  
"You don't look bad yourself, you know? We are a beautiful couple. Are you excited to see... "you know"?" She obviously means Morgana and Merlin, but she can't risk being heard from Uther, Arthur knows it. He doesn't answer. He just sighs and shrugs, looking really, really, sad.

"Do you think they miss me?" He finally says, defeated.   
"Of course they do! Merlin doesn't stop talking about you, and he fought with Morgana because he thinks you are doing the best thing by not contacting them, and Morgana is furious because she misses you so much. It seems wilfulness is a family trait." Gwen softly teases. Then she adds, softening his hair behind his ear "I know you have a kind heart Arthur. Don't let your father take this away from you." Arthur then turns to look at her and feels the same swell of affection he only felt for that unmentionable best friend.

Their relationship has grown in the past few weeks, and they became closer as Arthur never has been with someone. She reminded him of Merlin sometimes, same kindness, same fondness, same cleverness. She also didn't need to hear from Arthur that he wasn't okay with words, to understand that something was wrong. But Gwen is sweeter and willing to care about him, so Arthur says: "I know it's probably too soon... But... I love you, Gwen."   
Gwen is shocked at first, but then she brightly smiles. "I love you too."   
They sweetly kiss, but then she ends the kiss.  
"It's time to go. I'm going to say your father goodbye and tell him that _I'm going home_. See you there with you-know-who."  
"Let's hope there will be Harry Potter too, to save us from Voldemort, if he's going to be at the party." Arthur jokes.  
"There will be only the strongest magician to ever walk on earth I'm afraid."   
"Then we're fucked. He's an _idiot."_  
Gwen laughs and leaves Arthur to his thoughts.

* * *

When Leon, Lancelot and Arthur arrive at the pub, they are all greeted by an overly happy Elena.  
Morgana and Gwen aren't there yet, while Will, Freya and Merlin are drinking by the counter. Apparently Gwaine has already served them too much alcohol.

"ARTHUUUUUR!" Merlin shouts when he sees him coming to the counter. He jumps up from his seat and hugs Arthur tightly, making it hard to breathe.   
"You-were-right! _Mer_ lin. You're-stronger-than-you-look. Please-leave-me." Merlin leaves a breathless Arthur with a worried look.   
"Sooooorry. You hurt? Missed you! Miss 'Gana. But mostly you." Merlin says looking sad and staggering.  
"Gwaine! How much did you make him drink? He's already wasted!" Arthur asks.   
"Nothing much! He only drank a small beer, and then he tried a mojito. I'm afraid he's just a lightweight. But can I adopt him? He is so cute when he's drunk." Gwaine says, patting Merlin cheek.  
"Never. You're going to get him killed. But you can babysit him when he's being a child." Arthur jokes.  
"'M not a child. You're the child. A big one who doesn't call and plays hide-and-seek like a dollophead." Merlin replies, angry.  
"And you're so sloshed you use non-existent words. What's a dollophead?"   
"In two words?"   
"Yes."   
"Prince Arthur."   
"I'm not even a prince. You're definitely high."  
"You're right. No, you're not a prince. Princes are charming and brave. You didn't even miss us, and made me and 'Gana fight."   
That is painful and _Merlin is right. He could have at least try to contact them before at least once, and not through Gwen._

"You're right. I was selfish and afraid of..." Arthur couldn't bring his courage to finish the sentence.   
"Of what?" Merlin says, frowning.   
"Losing you. Both of you." Arthur tentatively whispers. "That you would be happier together and forget about me. So, it was better not to know." At that Merlin's eyes shines with moisture a little, and Arthur forgot how to speak all of a sudden. _Wasn't he supposed to be over that by now?_  
"You _prat_!" Merlin shouts and hugs Arthur, again.

"You two are so adorable" Gwen says. _When did she arrive? Did they listen to everything?_  
Morgana's expression is unreadable though. _God, is she planning to murder him now in revenge?_ But then she bitterly says: "Nobody told me you were going to be here. Merlin neither. Why are you here? Isn't our precious father going to kill you?"   
"It was Will's idea actually. He wanted to have his friends back so... I lied to him to come. I invited two of my friends to make it seem plausible. You already know Leon." Leon rises a hand as a salute, while he's ordering a drink to Gwaine and talking to Will and Freya. "And this is Lancelot. You probably know him through the way Merlin jokes about his name, the _idiot."_  
"It's funny, admit it" Merlin whispers in his ears, breath smelling of alcohol.

"Please, call me Lance." He says, shaking hands to Morgana, Gwen and Elena.  
"Lance, these are my sister, my girlfriend and Gwaine's girlfriend. I'll introduce you to him later." Arthur says and then adds: "Lance will be also our designed driver. He sacrificed himself for a good cause." Arthur meant it to be a joke, but Gwen blushes furiously. _Did he say something wrong?_

* * *

When greetings and introductions have ended, everyone has got a beer (or something non-alcoholic for Lance) in their hand. They didn't convince Merlin to stop drinking, so at least they can try to make him drink only small beers to not lead him to alcohol poisoning. 

Gwaine stands on a chair in front of the big screen he uses for showing football matches. Then he makes a horn sound with his hand and shouts as a medieval newsboy:  
"Ladies and gentlemen and princesses. Take a seat and brace yourselves for our first drinking game. It's called "the movie drinking game". We are going to watch "The Reservoir Dogs" and here are the rules:  
☞ drink every time someone swears  
☞ drink every time someone says a colour   
☞ But most of all, drink every time someone gets shot.  
Let the play begin!"  
"Yes! I love that film" Leon shouts.

Arthur is sitting next to Merlin, Gwen and Lance, while Morgana is on the other side of the pub, with Elena, Gwaine and Freya. Will and Leon sitting on the floor near the screen because according to them, it's more comfortable. Arthur sometimes glances at Morgana, but she always looks away. _Is she so mad at him?_  
He also notices that Gwen and Lance keep laughing and talking about the film, at least they are getting along.

By the end of the film, Merlin is almost sleeping on Arthur's shoulder.  
"Merlin, wake up!" Arthur shankes Merlin "If you are going to puke on me, I'm going to make your life a living hell."   
"Mmhmhphh" That is all he could get from Merlin in that state, and he needs him awake to survive the night. So, he slaps him in the face. Hard.  
"WHAT THE HELL!" Merlin shouts.  
"Lets get you to the loo, take off your lenses and sober you up."   
"Don't needya help."   
"Yes you do, now come on." 

When they get in the bathroom, he helps him wash his face.  
"You are wearing your lenses and if you fall asleep again with them still on, you're going to ruin your eyes." Arthur says.  
"Can't."   
"You can't do what?"   
"Take 'em off. Hands shake."  
"Oh for God's sake, OK. Tell me how to do it, and I'll help you."   
"Wash hands. Open my eye and then with two fingers take 'em off, near the iris. Don't be afraid of touching it, or it will never come off. Please, don't hurt me."   
"I'll do my best." Arthur sighs and starts to wash his hands.   
"I know." Merlin says, watching him through the mirror and nodding with intensity.

Arthur follows Merlin's instructions and opens his left eye. Watching him this close gives Arthur the opportunity to see that Merlin's blue eyes have little golden strays, and taking care of him that way makes him feel warm, and his stomach jumps. Suddenly he understands that no, he will _never_ be over Merlin. Even if he loves Gwen dearly.

It was hard, but he manages to take Merlin lenses off.  
"Did I hurt you?"   
"No. You were perfect. Perfect as always." Merlin replies, watching at the floor.   
"What?"   
"Nothing."   
"Are you feeling better?"   
"Yes, thanks."

At that moment Morgana enters the loo and looks at them, both feared and not wanting to go away.   
"Will you ever learn how to knock Morgana?" Merlin snaps.   
"This is a public toilet, Merlin. And you're standing in front of the sinks, and it's not that I haven't already seen you naked." That makes Arthur feel uncomfortable and flushes. "I think I'm might go and join the others for the next game. Bye."   
"No wait." Morgana says, taking his wrist. "I'm sure it's the alcohol talking but... I missed you."   
Is that... _Is that a tear?_ Morgana has never cried in front of him, and he doesn't know what to do.  
"Morgana is surprisingly a hugging person" Merlin suggests smirking and shoving his shoulder.

So, he hugs her and feels weird at first, but then it is welcomed and feels like coming home, and now he's smiling like a loon.  
"I love you both so much." She says laughing and crying at the same time.  
_Bless the alcohol and bless Will_. He will have to make a note and remember to thank him later.  
When they all exit from the toilet, Gwen looks at them, a knowing smile on her face. _God bless Gwen too._

"Oh, how lovely. The family has reunited." Gwaine mocks, as he sees the three of them coming from the bathroom. "But now, let's be serious and start the second game!"   
"But no alcohol for you, Merlin" Arthur says, seriously. "You've had enough already."  
"Yes _sire_!" Merlin says, making a little bow.   
"Yes, you definitely drank too much even for me. You can have the same of Lance." Gwaine says and adds: "But we non-lightweights (and Lance) want to continue with the party! So, here are the rules of the "Never have I ever" game: in turn, we will ask some questions to the group. If your answer is _yes,_ you drink, if it's _no_ you can wait for the next question. If you drink, you'll have to share the story behind your answer to your shame."  
"This will not end well." Freya says.   
"That's the whole point!" Gwaine laughs. "So, I'll start. Never have you ever... shoplifted or stolen something."  
Everyone drinks, except for Merlin and Lance, _obviously,_ since they are saints. But, to everyone's disbelief, Gwen and Arthur drink too.  
"Gwen!! When did you pass to the dark side of the Force?" Will asks "You're always so pure!"   
"She's not so innocent after all." Arthur mocks, shoving her arm.   
"Well, I was only a child and my father didn't want to buy me some candies from a shop. So, I took them by myself. I still feel guilty about that." Gwen says, blushing.   
"Oh don't worry, no one blames a child for stealing candies. I'm sure you'll go to heaven either way." Lance gives her a bright smile.  
"But what about you, Arthur? You're a law student, and you still shoplifted." Merlin asks.   
"It wasn't shoplifting, and it wasn't even stealing after all, since that thing belongs to my family. But my father locked it away... and well, I stole it. It was for a good cause."  
The other nods, and luckily they don't push to know what he has stolen. They all know that Arthur would never say anything more, since it concerns Uther.

"Leon, it's your turn." Gwaine says.  
"All right. Never have you ever... been arrested or had to deal with police officers for something bad you've done."  
Gwaine, Will and Merlin drink and that was unbelievable. Not the Gwaine part, he always ends up in a pub brawl, but Merlin?   
" _Mer_ lin?!" Arthur asks, almost mad.   
"Sorry! Will and I were young and stupid. We were mad at Old Man Simmons for puncturing the ball we were playing with that landed in his yard, and ruined his flowers. So, one night we used spray paint to write JE SUIS LOSER on his walls, but we were caught covered in paint on our way home..."  
Everyone bursts out laughing, Will covering his face with his hands.   
"Only you, Merlin!" Arthur says, tears of laughter in the corner of his eyes. 

"Freya, it's your turn" Leon says, once everyone has calmed down.   
"OK. Let me think. Never have you ever... done something so bad in public that you still cringe when you think about it."  
Almost everyone drinks, but the astonishing fact is that Lance drinks too. He hasn't drunk during the whole game, and he's always so well-mannered.  
"Lance, now I'm curious. Elena and I drank too, but this isn't a surprise, since we're clumsy and weird." Merlin says.   
"Hey!" Elena shouts, offended.   
"Sorry Elena, but you know I'm right. So, what did you do that was so embarrassing? I still don't know you well, but this doesn't seem like you."  
Lancelot takes a deep breath and says: "First, you must know that I don't like my job and I only do it because my family needs me. However, one day two years ago, I tried to pursue my dream. I always wanted to be a policeman, so I went to the pre-joining qualification test. But when I went there, I was so nervous I stomped on the door and fell on my back. So, I stood up, acting cool and as if no one saw my lack of reflexes. But then the floor was slippery, or I don't know, well, I fell again but on my face. In front of everyone. I got so embarrassed I came home and never tried again." He finishes and looks at the bottom of his glass.   
"Oh, Lance! You should have tried anyway. It can happen to anyone. I'm sure you would have done a great job." Gwen says, smiling softly. _She always has so much faith in everyone._   
"I couldn't, even if I wanted to. My parents can't manage to hire someone in my place at the library, and it's family, so it's not such a burden." He says seriously. Arthur always liked him, but that made him feel awkwardly proud of his friend.

"But now, I'll ask something, since you obliged me to tell you the most embarrassing thing ever. Never have you ever... being caught having sex by your parents or siblings." Lance says, challengingly.  
Arthur at that question blushes furiously, catching everyone's attention. He drinks, avoiding everyone's gaze.  
"Oh. My. GOD! Either I managed to do only less mortifying things than that!" Gwaine says gobsmacked.   
"Arthur. I've never caught you with a partner, so it must be Uther." Morgana says, trying so hard to be serious "Was she Mithian, your longest girlfriend? Or was it Vivian and that's why you never saw her again? Please. Please, tell me who she was!" She says, bright eyes and hands joined.  
"No... It was... I.… hmm" He only manages to say.  
"Please, now I'm dying to know too. So, who was she? Was it _that_ bad?" Merlin asks, teasing.  
Gwen sympathetically touches his shoulder, as to give him strength.  
"The fact is that... I wasn't with a girl." Arthur finally says.

Saying that wasn't as hard as he thought, but the looks he receives from his friends and his sister are indescribable. Their curious gazes are also too much to bear, most of all, under the effect of all that alcohol. Especially Merlin's, who starts to cough and to look away.  
Arthur can't put up with their silence any longer, and he might be many things, but he isn't a coward. So, he tells them all the story.

"Morgana, do you remember that summer when you went to stay by your cousin Morgause and I went with Father to our second house in Ireland for a month, about five years ago?"   
"Yes, I do."   
"Well, I met Mordred there. He was a nice guy, a bit younger than me. We liked each other, and we dated in secret for some weeks until we wanted... You know. So, I always invited him home when Father was at the golf club. One day he came home early and called for me... but hearing no response, he came in my room without knocking to see if I was alive and... You can imagine what he saw. He shut down the door and ran downstairs. We didn't speak to each other for the rest of the holiday, but I guess he took it well, and I tried my best to forget that until today. So, thank you guys, you're the best." He finishes, both sarcastically and angry. 

They are all silent for a while, until Gwaine, stunned, says: "I didn't know you were bi, Arthur. I've known you for gods know how long, and you've never said anything."  
"I didn't see the point. I wasn't dating any guy and I don't like all the _coming out_ thing. Everyone should date whomever they want, without having to tell "I'm gay". If you're uncomfortable, just say it." Arthur says angrily, looking at Morgana and Merlin, since they're the only ones who seem to be uncomfortable. _Even Leon looks fine with that_! And now Arthur feels a little betrayed.  
"I'm not. I'm just sad. I thought you would have told me." Merlin finally says, looking both sincere and hiding something more.  
"I suspected it, to be honest. But... I need some fresh air." Morgana says, getting up from her seat and rushing to the back exit.  
"And I need a drink." Merlin says, too.  
Freya looks at the group and follows Morgana out of the pub.

So, Arthur has just reunited with Merlin and Morgana, a few minutes ago they were having fun, and now everything's falling apart again. And well, _isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic_?

Gwen hasn't left yet. She's giving him a smile instead and Arthur thinks he's lucky to have her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry my dear readers, the party will continue in the next chapter by the POV of Morgana, with some more funny scenes, at least in my opinion. Probably, I'll end up being Kafka and thinking that The Metamorphosis makes me laugh (if you don't know what I'm talking about, that book is about a man who turns into a beetle and dies under an apple killed by her sister. If that's funny...).


	10. The Avalon Bookclub

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter the title refers to has finally come. There will be A LOT of references in this chapter and also the funniest scene I've ever wrote (second to the You're the voice one). I swear, I would pay to see that in person, I don't know how it came to my mind.

* * *

**THE AVALON BOOKCLUB**

_Morgana_ 🏰

* * *

Morgana doesn't smoke. She never did and probably never will, but now she craves for something like a cigarette, which is said to calm down the nerves.

So, Arthur is bisexual, and that wasn't the surprise, but apparently Uther knew that and was _totally_ okay with that, if he never disowned Arthur or something like that. But probably it's only because he's his favourite one, his _perfect_ only son. She was his oldest child, but Uther had her with a woman he didn't love and that left her in his charge to have a life on her own. Morgana is also a girl, while he wanted a boy, and she never does as she's asked, but she follows her heart, so she constantly argues with him, so the problem was always Morgana.  
No matter what she does, no matter who she is, she will never be Arthur to Uther or anyone else.

"Hey, are you all right?" Freya says, appearing from the back door.  
"I'm fine. Just needed some fresh air. Too much alcohol, you know?" Morgana answers, feigning a smile.  
"It's freezing out here, and you forgot your coat. Here." Freya gives her her jacket, exposing her long arms and her soulmate tattoo on her right arm, and Morgana did everything to avoid staring.  
"Thank you. You didn't need to. I was going to come back in a minute."   
"Don't worry. I was just checking on you."   
"Why did you?"   
"Because I saw your face after Arthur's confession. I know we aren't close, but I see you as my friend and I want to tell you something. I don't want to offend you, but I think you were rather rude to him before."   
"Excuse me? I wasn't being rude, and it wasn't my intention! I just said I needed some fresh air." Morgana tries to defend herself.  
"Yes I know what you said, but I also know what Arthur is feeling right now, even if it wasn't your intention. He's surely not thinking of being a freak, and hearing what he thinks about coming out he completely accepted that part of himself. But, Morgana, you've just found each other again, and now you seem to be rejecting him."  
"And how do you know exactly?" Morgana says, maybe a little too bitterly.   
"I know, because my parents kicked me out of my house when they found out and now, even if we are on good terms, they never talk to me as before."   
"I'm sorry, I didn't know that." She apologizes, laying a hand on Freya's shoulder.   
"No one knows, really. I'm telling you this because I don't want that to happen to you.

Morgana is moved by that. She never talked about those things with anyone except for Merlin. "I didn't mean to reject him. I don't care if he's gay, or bi, or whatever he is. I was just being selfish and thinking about myself and Uther."   
"Yeah I get it, but he doesn't. So, you must be the brave one now and talk to him."   
"I don't want to be brave... I just want to be myself." Morgana mutters, but thinks about being brave for once too, so she asks her a question she never dared to ask Merlin either. He had a caring mother and all, but he still wasn't out _so..._   
"How did you accept being a lesbian? I mean, when did you decide that coming out was the best thing to do?"   
"When I got my soulmate tattoo. I grew up in a conservative catholic family, and I was taught that what I was feeling was one of the most awful sins. So, I always thought that when the time would have come, I would have it tattooed on my skin forever: a big black panther with wings and claws to remind me of being cursed in being a monster.  
I got a colourful bouquet instead. And how can Love be something to be ashamed of, if it's this beautiful? Here, look." Freya finishes and shows her her arm.

 _She is right_. Her tattoo is lovely and perfect, filled with daisies, roses, gardenias and forget-me-nots. Morgana can't help it any longer and tears start coming down on her face.  
"Hey, what's wrong?" Freya asks, putting a reassuring hand on her shoulder.   
"Oh nothing, I'm just being silly. You're right though. Your tattoo is marvellous... and you are too."

Then Morgana promptly kisses her, without thinking.  
The kiss isn't good. It is neither romantic nor returned, but for Morgana it's like suddenly waking up from a coma and starting to breathe again.  
"Sorry, sorry, sorry... I didn't mean... Sorry" She says as she ends the kiss and starts to shiver. Freya looks more confused than ever.   
"What was that?"   
"Nothing. It must be the alcohol and all that talking." She wipes her eyes and looks away.   
"You know, if I think about it, this makes a lot of sense!"   
"What?" Morgana asks confused, drying her tears.  
"You being mad at Arthur and then kissing me. But what about Merlin?"   
"What about him?" Morgana can't put two thoughts together, let alone answering simple questions in this state of mind.   
"I thought you loved him. First I thought he was gay, when we worked together, but then I saw how you two are together. You're the power couple of my dreams!" She laughs. "But, don't you love him any more?"   
"Merlin is... Please don't tell anyone about that, but him and I aren't really dating."  
"What?!?"   
"Yeah well, everyone now knows what Uther thinks about music, but when we started "dating" we were just hiding the fact he was teaching me how to play. Arthur thought we were shagging in secret, so Merlin was just helping a friend. Then the lie went on, and it was easier letting the things the way they are, since I'm living with him, and I'm not ready to... You know…"  
"Does he know?"   
"He's the only one who knows. Except you, obliviously. He's a great friend."  
"Right... I won't tell anybody, anyway. Don't worry." Freya makes a pained expression, but she's still looks as she's understanding.

 _H_ _ow can she be so good?_ She should say Morgana's a hypocrite and being unfair with Merlin.  
But she doesn't, and she only says:" I think we should go back inside. The others might worry, if they're not floating in alcohol." 

* * *

When Morgana and Freya come back inside, they aren't ready for what they're about to see.

Gwaine is standing and gargling an unintelligible song, while Merlin was dancing like one of those inflatable wind men outside a used car lot in front of Elena. The others were sitting on the floor, an empty bottle in front of them, and laughing as they never did the whole night, especially Arthur.

"I was gone for only ten minutes, and what the hell are you doing??" Morgana asks starting to laugh.  
Gwaine suddenly spits everything he was using to gargle and Merlin seriously says: "We were playing "Truth or dare", spin the bottle version."  
Lance, the only sober one, says laughing: "Arthur decided to spin first, but the bottle stopped between Merlin and Gwaine. Gwaine chose dare, so Arthur to have his revenge dared him to sing [Wuthering Heights](https://youtu.be/-1pMMIe4hb4) while gargling and Merlin to dance like Kate Bush in front of everyone."   
"I'm lucky I didn't miss this scene. Such a shame no one recorded it. It could have been used at Gwaine's or Merlin wedding." Morgana says, smirking.  
"Oh, I did." Will says, showing his phone.  
"Will, I obviously misjudged you. I bow to your superior intelligence and thank you forever." Arthur says, still laughing.  
"Your praise is flattering, _my lord_." Will says, with a hand on his chest.  
"May we join too?" Freya asks.  
"Of course! Come here, take a drink and sit." Elena says, making room for them.

Morgana sits between Freya and Arthur, who stiffens and looks away, so she says:  
"Arthur... I'm sorry for before. Whatever you're thinking, I want you to know that what I did has nothing to do with you."   
Arthur is watching her now, unconvinced. So, she puts her head on his shoulder as a way of letting him know she's sincere, and he starts caressing her back and says, giving her a tight smile, a little "Okay".

They start to play again, drinking whenever they want, just to have fun. Gwaine then takes the bottle and spins it, and it stops in front of Gwen.  
"Truth or dare?"   
"Mhhh... Truth."  
"Good choice. You're brave. Now, tell us about a moment you would like to pay to forget."   
She and Merlin exchange a strange look, they both redden, and then she says: "Dare!"   
"Oh no you can't change. Now answer."  
She takes a great sip of her drink, and says: "I never thought I had to tell this story, but since Will and Freya already know, well..."  
"Gwen! They know and I don't? It's not fair!!" Morgana looks at her, feeling betrayed.   
"I didn't tell them! They saw..."  
Will and Freya both burst out laughing so, _OK she's right,_ and it must really be embarrassing. Now Morgana is dying to know it.   
"It happened a week or two later from Will's move in. We were doing a small dinner all together in the flat, when an uninvited Merlin came to see Will. Percy offered him a Japanese liquor he brought home and Merlin took it. We didn't know at the time he was a lightweight, and he got so high he couldn't see where he was going. He hit his head on the door frame and fell down on the floor. I was more drunk than today either, because that thing was strong as hell. Anyway, well, I thought he was dead and when he woke up I kissed him out of relief, and then he puked on me."  
" _Mer_ lin! You kissed my girlfriend!!" Arthur shouts.  
Morgana is starting to think that his brother is right and Merlin _is_ and idiot.   
"We weren't together at the time! But that wasn't the worst part!"   
"How can that be worse?" Elena asks.   
"Well. The smell of his vomit was so strong I couldn't resist, and I threw up on him too."   
Morgana suppresses a giggle for as long as she can, but then she couldn't resist the laughter.   
"You're lucky you are not soulmates, then. Imagine being together and that being your first kiss." Elena says.   
"Since it's the moment of truth, I have to say that I had a little crush on him at that time. He's cute and brave, and I don't know!"   
"GWEN!! How did I miss all these gossips from you?!" Morgana shouts, feeling definitely betrayed, but continues to laugh.   
Merlin hides his face behind his arms and knees.  
"Don't be jealous, Arthur." She says apologetically, seeing her boyfriend's face "That kiss ended it, and the soulmates tattoos don't match either." 

They keep playing for a while, doing the most awkward things and discovering the darkest secrets out of each other.  
But then it was Merlin's turn to tell the truth against Leon, and Morgana is starting to panic. They share too many secrets.  
"What's the saddest moment about your childhood?"   
"I had a pretty nice childhood. The bullies hit on me starting from middle school, and my saddest memories are related to them if I exclude my father's death."  
"Were you bullied?" Arthur asks, as if he was both shocked and ready to kill all his bullies senseless.   
"Is that hard to believe?" Merlin asks, a bit sarcastic.   
"Yes! You stood up on me when we first met, and you became my friend even if I can be a bully. I also constantly insult you and you fight back!"   
"Years of practice and getting older I believe." Merlin shrugs and then says: "So, if you want to know, my saddest memory was when I understood I was being excluded, and I had no friends until I met Will. That day I saw a poster of this book club I really wanted to join, but I knew it was filled with elderly people, some of them were even my bullies' parents. So, that's it, knowing you're not at home in your own home town, feeling lonely when surrounded by people and that you'll always be an outsider."

Everyone falls silent. How can someone imagine that the cheerful and happy Merlin could have had such a sad past.   
And God only knows _how much_ Morgana could relate to his last sentences, even if she wasn't a victim herself. She stands up and hugs him tightly, the person she feels is destined to be hers (even if not in _that_ way).

Then Arthur says: "You know what? We should create that book club. We're all a bunch of weirdos after all. Look at us. I am a book nerd such as you; Gwen's a cutie with a past of candies shoplifter and had a crush on you; Will is a man who moved to London to stay with his best friend; Leon is a football player who had nothing better to do than hanging out with a bunch of strangers; Gwaine is... Well he's Gwaine; Elena has Gwaine as her soulmate; Lance is a self-sacrificing idiot; Freya's a lesbian ballerina and Morgana had the misfortune of falling in love with you and ended up homeless.  
You know me better than anyone in this room, and you know how much of an outsider I am too. But my life is better with you in it and if you want a book club, I'm going to give you a damn book club."  
Morgana's heart clenches, and she couldn't be more proud of her brother.

* * *

Everyone accepts to join the club and Merlin, _bless him_ , named it The Avalon Bookclub, because "Camelot" hadn't a nice ring to it and no one wanted to contradict the poor Merlin. After all he's right, and they all have improbable names, except perhaps for Will and Freya, who could be an alternative version of The Lady of the Lake.

Of course, Merlin and Arthur had to fight over the right to lead the club, since it was Arthur's idea and in the legends he's the king, but it was also Merlin's "gift" and he is his advisor. The leader ended up being Morgana, because everyone knows that _if two argue, a third benefits._

They decided, or rather Morgana decided, to see each other every other Thursdays evening ( _because who has something to do on Thursdays anyway_?) to discuss the book of the month at each other's houses in turn, obliviously avoiding the manor.   
Their first meeting is at Lance's bookshop after closure, so that they could use his catalogue and second hand books to choose the book of the month, and read together the first part.

Morgana and Merlin are the first to arrive by Lance's, since Merlin already knew where the bookshop is, and Arthur probably had to lie to Uther again.

They hear a knock on the door and Arthur saying: "Lancelot! Lancelot! Lancelot! .... Our quest is at an end! IN THE NAME OF THE LORD, WE DEMAND ENTRANCE TO THIS SACRED CASTLE!"   
Merlin burst out laughing and replies: "No chance, English bedwetting types!"   
" _Mer_ lin, you dimwitted _idiot,_ you cannot be the French man. You're Welsh, you should be by our side!"  
"Wrong. I am who I am, and I am who I was, and I am who I will always be!"   
"If you do not open this door we shall take this castle by force."  
"That's more like it. Come in, if you please." Merlin finally says, opening the door to Arthur and Gwen, making a bow and showing them the way in an exaggerated manner.  
Sometimes Morgana envies the way those two worked together, because even with all the banter and insults, they could always quote stupid films, or books or just silently look at one another to take the piss out of each other.

Leon arrives just after Gwaine and Elena, and the last ones are Will and Freya.  
She was wearing tight black jeans, a white shirt with and a jacket decorated with colourful leaves. She also had a red lipstick and a new haircut.  
Morgana's pulse starts to raise and she wonders how could anyone be any more gorgeous.  
She greets them both with a hug and then says: "I like your fringe, makes a nice change."  
"Thank you!" Freya says, touching it and looking flattered. "You're stunning as always." She finishes, low voiced and a little flirtatious.  
Morgana feels hot all over and also _somewhere_ down, and that is actually new.

"Merlin, make yourself useful for once and fetch us the chairs." Arthur says.   
"Hey! I'm not your manservant." Merlin replies, without really complaining.   
"Thank goodness, because you would be a crap one."   
"Thank you, and you would be a terrible lord." Merlin says, but then he does what he's told and settles some chairs in a circle where there some space in front of the counter. They take a seat and Morgana says: "First rule of this book club, don't talk about the book club. Not because we're in a film from the 90s, but because if Uther knows, Arthur might end homeless too, and we don't want that. Second rule, we will choose the book of the month by sorting it from our favourites. It doesn't matter if you've already read them or if it will be your first time. It will be interesting for this reason.   
So now it's your turn. Write down your names and your favourite book on these pieces of paper, and then we will extract them, and the order will be the one we will follow. Ready? Set? Go!"  
They all start to write and when finished they put them in a basket.  
"So now, I shall need a valet. Merlin, will you help me?"   
"I know it's my book club and Arthur sometimes calls me a girl, but I am not a valet!"   
"All right, no need to be so touchy. Elena, shall you help us in this perilous quest and extract the names?"   
"It will be my honour, my lady!" Elena says laughing and coming next to Morgana.  
"So, our first book will be..."   
"Gwen's choice, that is... Anna Karenina by Tolstoy."  
"Wow good choice! I didn't think you liked Russian classics." Merlin comments.  
"Yes well, I think could see myself in her." Gwen says.  
"All right. The next one will be..."   
"Leon's choice, that is... The Lord of the Flies by Golding. Wow, Leon. You have a dark side no one would have suspected!"  
"We have to keep the comments short Elena, or we will never finish! Next!"  
"OK. OK. The next will be... Merlin's choice, that is... Gulliver's Travels by Swift."  
"Really _Mer_ lin? Gulliver's Travels?" Arthur says disbelieved.   
"It was one of my favourite books when I was a child and I thought it would have been fun reading something different for a change!"   
"I SAID NO COMMENTS PLEASE! Next one, Elena." Morgana sighs, a bit upset.  
"Next one will be... Lance's choice, that is And then there were none by Christie. Oh my god, I loved that book!"   
"Elena! Next."   
"The next is... Arthur's choice, that is... To Kill a Mockingbird by Lee."   
"You're so predictable Arthur." Morgana can't help to say to her brother.   
"What can I say... It's a talent" He shrugs. "Plus, weren't you the one complaining about the comments?" Morgana thinks about being childish and sticking out her tongue, but she says angrily: "Elena, the next is..."   
"My choice! It's not a novel, it's a play, but I love it. Is The Midsummer's Night Dream by Shakespeare. Is that OK?"   
"Yes. Every choice is acceptable. So, next."   
"Next one is... Your choice Morgana, that is The secret garden by Byrne. That is so cute!"   
"Thanks. Now the last three are?"   
"The next will be, Will's choice - what a weird wordplay - that is... The Great Gatsby by Fitzgerald. Second to last is... Freya's choice, that is Frankenstein by Shelley. And the last one's is Gwaine's. No need to read the paper, I already know what it is... It's the The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, isn't it?"  
"Yes, it is. Do you have any problems with that?" Gwaine answers, crossing his arms bitterly.  
"It is nonsense Gwaine! I couldn't go over the first few chapters that time you tried to make me read that. At least it will be the last one."   
"OK. Calm down you two." Morgana _commands._ "So, now that the list is settled, we can divide Anna Karenina into steps and decide where should we see each other next time."   
"Since it is my book club, I would like to have our second but first official meeting by ours, in Gaius' house. We could also make a little pre-Christmas party, since then there will be the holidays and everyone will go home." Merlin suggests.  
"It's a nice idea. Why not! So now... Shall we read the first chapter? Gwen, since it was your choice, why don't you read it out loud?" 

Morgana always loved the opening lines to that novel, especially now with her family situation, but read with Gwen's smooth soothing voice it had a totally different effect. She's sure this club will be one of the best experiences of her life, even if it was Arthur's idea.

So Gwen starts to read:

> _All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. Everything at the Oblonskys' was topsy-turvy ..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is full of errors and probably too full of dialogues, but I would like to know your thoughts about it.
> 
> For those who didn't get the dialogue between Merlin and Arthur at Lance's bookshop, it's from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
> 
> Ps. I'm still laughing at the idea of Merlin dancing as Kate Bush to Gwaine's gargling singing HEATHCLIFF IT'S ME OH CATHY!


	11. And I can't help falling in love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is full of references, especially music ones. Let me know if you would like me to create a playlist on Spotify (even if it would be an jumble of genres).

* * *

**AND I CAN'T HELP FALLING IN LOVE**

_Merlin_ 📻

* * *

Moving to London was the best idea Merlin has ever had. Now he goes to a University he actually likes, he has the book club he always dreamed about, but most of all in only a few months he found a lot of friends, and he's not alone anymore. He even feels at home for the first time in his life, even if he misses his mother. Gaius and Morgana are like a second family to him: they are always there with him, eating, playing the piano, and watching TV at night together. Merlin thinks that, if he could have this forever he would die a happy man.

Obviously he would like to have a _boy_ friend too. But that's too much to ask for now, isn't it? He values Morgana's friendship above everything else. And of course, there's another problem too: THE boyfriend he would like to have (whom actually turned out to be not as straight as he looks) is not interested in him, or he would have asked him out when he had the occasion.  
_All right, all right_ , Merlin wasn't out, and he still isn't and faking dating his crush' sister, but they always flirted. Maybe it was all in Merlin's mind. 

Forgetting Arthur was in fact much harder than Merlin thought. On the contrary, Arthur is growing on him like a climbing plant, wrapped all around Merlin's heart. He became his new best friend, even if he still cares a lot about Will and the others too, but Arthur seems to understand him better than anyone. They've known each other for a very short time, nevertheless he seems to see when Merlin is upset or something is wrong with him, just by looking at him. They don't have to talk about feelings, that's too much for the "real man" Arthur is, to make Merlin feel better: they seem to need only each other's presence.

Arthur is a prat, that's clearly stated. He bosses Merlin around every time he has the occasion, and he insults him all the time. He even asked Merlin to _jog_ with him on the cracking morning, with the excuse that they could see each other without Uther's suspicions. But let's be honest, he was only enjoying seeing Merlin almost dying for the exertion, knowing he couldn't say no to him. However, Arthur is also sweet, if you give him the chance. Gwen always talks about how he gave her sunflowers on their first date, how caring he still is, and how worried he was when Morgana escaped. As if Merlin needed a reminder of Arthur's big heart behind all that bossy attitude. _By all the gods_ , he created the book club just for Merlin, even after he acted like an idiot after Arthur's coming out.

At least he can be happy for Arthur and Gwen. They make a really cute couple, and they seem to make each other happy.   
Once Gwen let it also slip that they might be soulmates, and how can the selfless and romantic Merlin be jealous in front of a couple paired by destiny? He could only hope there will be someone else waiting for him. _What do people always say? The fish is full of sea..._ Or something like that. 

So, Merlin must get over him sooner or later, but he's absolutely not prepared for what is about to happen.

* * *

It's a normal and rainy December day in London, but what makes this day special is that it's going to be the second meeting of The Avalon Bookclub and also a pre-Christmas party. The house is full of decorations Merlin and Morgana put up and there's a wonderful smell of mince pies and mulled wine.

On that first meeting, Freya came out with the idea of doing a Secret Santa exchange too. Merlin picked Gwaine, so he thought to give him a framed picture they took at the party in his pub. But he knew he should make presents to Will, Morgana, Arthur, Gaius and her mother, and he was too poor for that. For this reason, he opted for the cheapest ones, but he had to make them special: a book from an Italian author Merlin never heard of for Arthur; a book with known songs with piano adaptations for Morgana; a bottle of whiskey for Will; a dragon costume for Aithusa to make Gaius laugh and book of recipes for her mother, since she's the worst cook ever, and it could help her to improve.

A ring comes from the door and Gaius shouts to their first guest, who's still outside: "Come in! But beware of the cat! It has claws."  
Gwaine and Elena come in, and they see Kilgarrah sleeping soundly on his dog bed. "You mean the dog. That thing is huge…aaaaaaaaarrrghh!" Gwaine says, being attacked by the white cat, who's still hissing.  
"Aithusa! Shoo, shoo! Sorry, my lad." Gaius says and the cat jumps in Merlin's lap, making him laugh. "That cat seems to like only Merlin and Morgana. She hates strangers, and she still hates me even if I'm the one feeding her. That cat's a mystery. I'm Gaius by the way."  
"I'm Gwaine." He says, smiling brightly nonetheless and holding Gaius' hand. "And this beautiful girl is my girlfriend, Elena."  
"Nice to meet you, sir." Elena says politely.   
"No need to call me sir! Are you alright, Gwaine? I'm a doctor and I can tend any injuries."  
"I'll survive, don't worry. I'll show everyone my battle wound saying I defeated a dragon." Gwaine jokes.  
"Actually, you did not. And even if it's funny you say Aithusa is a dragon, since we all call her that, nobody is going to believe you." Merlin laughs, holding the cat and petting her, as an evil boss from a mafia film.   
"You can't even imagine what a drunken man can believe in. Once I made one particularly drunken bloke that Arthur was the legitimate king of Camelot and that the Queen Elizabeth was a usurper of Albion and made everyone believed our country is called Great Britain."  
"Oh my gosh! I remember that one. He was the one who believed in the power of chrystal-gazing. What was his name?" Elena asked, amused.   
"Taliesin. He was my old man sitting next to me, making love to his tonic and gin."   
"You're full of surprises, Gwaine. You're a fan of Billy Joel?" Merlin asked. "I could play [Piano Man](https://youtu.be/gxEPV4kolz0) if you're willing to sing it gargling with Glühwein."  
"One time was enough, thank you. But I particularly like [Vienna](https://youtu.be/wccRif2DaGs). I'll give you a penny in your hat if you play and sing that to me. Arthur told me you've got a nice voice."  
"Arthur told you that?" Merlin asks, his heart starting to pump faster. Gwaine only shrugs.   
"Well, if that's so, how can I refuse to play for a penny. But nothing more, or you're going to make me rich."

Merlin sits at the piano, takes his phone out to see the lyrics and the score and starts to play. 

> _Slow down you crazy child_  
>  _You're so ambitious for a juvenile_  
>  _But then if you're so smart tell me,_  
>  _Why are you still so afraid?_

Merlin is too focused on the song to acknowledge the fact that everyone has arrived and is staring at him in awe. When he finishes, he hears a whisper behind his back.   
"I told you..." That is Arthur talking to a gobsmacked Gwaine.  
"You're all here! Morgana, you could have stopped me, so I could have properly greet you all."   
" _Darling._ That was too precious to be interrupted." Morgana gives him a fond smile.   
"So, come on, sing us a song you're a Piano Man." Leon says, bright eyes and patting Merlin's back.   
"Maybe later. We have a lot to do this evening and this can wait. Maybe Morgana will join me after I give her my present."   
"You aren't my Secret Santa, Merlin."  
"I know, but do you think I could leave my _girlfriend_ without a present?" Saying that word out loud still sounds weird to Merlin. Morgana gives him a hug and says: "Shall we open the presents and eat our cakes first, or do you want to talk about Tolstoy?"   
"First duty, then pleasure." Merlin answers, showing everyone their seats in front of the fireplace. 

They talk about the first part of Anna Karenina and how someone found it boring (Gwaine), and others just introductory to something more interesting, and others who were fascinated. Then Will says: "This is obviously a first reading for me, but don't you think that, that scene where Kitty and Levin ice skate looks like it's coming out of a film?"   
"That's what I always thought too!" Gwen says delighted. "She doesn't come down the stairs with a beautiful dress, but the effect is just the same. And oh when it says:  
_He stepped down, trying not to look long at her, as if she were the sun, yet he saw her, like the sun, even without looking._ Isn't that romantic?"

"I think it's a bit pathetic. Why doesn't he just go to her out and be honest?" Gwaine hisses, but Freya says: "Everyone has a soulmate in this world, and sometimes life works against them. She's still in love with Vronksy, and Levin thinks he can't compete against him. He hasn't the charm nor the money Vronksy has. It's comprehensible! Yes, he's pining after her, but he also thinks that they aren't meant to be. But destiny will find his way... It's romantic, and you can't deny that."  
Gwaine makes a strange face, while Merlin thoughts go immediately to Arthur. Merlin is the Levin of the situation, he can feel Arthur's presence, and he lights up his whole world, but unlike Kitty, Arthur already has his soulmate by his side. Merlin now can't help feeling sad and stupid for still pining after him.

When they finish talking about the novel, Morgana gets up to take the cakes and the wine, while the others fetch their presents.

"Merlin, can I talk to you for a second?" Arthur asks, when the others are occupied preparing the living room for the party.  
"Of course, what do you need?" Merlin says, still putting the presents on the thick carpet in front of the sofa.  
"In private, please."   
"Wow, you, saying please is really getting me worried. What's wrong?"   
"I just want... To give you a present before you'll go to Ealdor with my sister and I can't see you until New Year's Eve." He says, speaking softly in Merlin's ear, in a lower voice that send chives down Merlin's spine, for _no other reasons_ that his ears are sensitive.

"All right. Wait for me down the stairs, I have a thing for you too." 

When he comes back with his little package, Merlin looks mortified when he sees Arthur with a box that is quite the same size of Kilgarrah.

"I knew it. You wanted to give me a present as big as your ego, so that I could feel humiliated with mine."  
" _Shut up_ _Mer_ lin, and just open it."  
Merlin opens it, and when he sees what it contains, he definitely loses the ability to speak.  
"Finally doing as you're told, Merlin? So... Do you like it?" Arthur sounds so insecure, that suddenly Merlin remembers how to speak, even if he still can't trust his legs to stand up from where the box is laying.   
"You _twat!_ You stole you're mother's turntable to give it to me???"   
"I said it was for a good cause."  
"I am not a good cause! Giving it to charity is a good cause. Not me!"   
"Yes, yes you are. You took Morgana in your house even if you didn't need to. You stood up to my father when it was my duty, and I said it at the party. My life's better since you're in it. I was lonely. I only had Morgana, and you know how she is, and Leon sometimes. Not only that, but I wasn't even close to Gwaine anymore. Gwen was Morgana's friend and she never properly introduced us so... I don't care if your present are a pair of socks with reindeers, because you gave me the best Christmas present when you accepted to get coffee with me that day in the library. So, just take it."  
Merlin is out of words again and no, _NO,_ he's not crying. _Not even a little._

"Thank you." He manages to say and to dry his tears without being seen. "Now my present really looks like a pair of stupid socks. Hope you like it anyway."  
While Arthur opens his little present, a book called The Moon and The Bonfire by Pavese, Merlin says: "I saw it at Lance's bookshop. I asked him if you already had it, and when he said no, I bought it and read it before deciding to give it to you. It is about coming home and find it completely different from when you left it. I absolutely loved it and I thought, since you like Italian literature, you would have liked it too."

Now it was Arthur the one who's speechless and looking at the book as if it was some delicate flower. Then he promptly hugs Merlin, leaving him completely shocked.  
"You, hugging me? Did you hit your head or something?" Merlin jokes, trying to distract himself from doing something very stupid like kissing him senseless, perhaps right in front of his girlfriend.   
"Oh, now I really hoped you just gave me some stinky socks for colour-blind people." Arthur fondly laughs.

When they come back in the living room, the others are already exchanging presents.   
"Here you are! Thought you were hiding for a quickie behind your girlfriend's backs." Gwaine jokes, earning concerned looks from everyone and even a slap on the back of his head from Leon.  
"Now I think you don't deserve my present." Merlin says, pretending to be cross.   
"Sorry, I already opened it. I love it, by the way. I'll hang it in the pub's entrance so that everyone could see our sloshed faces."

Merlin receives a mug from Freya with the written "I'm a Treble Maker" that makes him laugh from the heart. He's having a great time, still trying to forget about Arthur's present, until Lance opens his present from Arthur, and _damn_ Arthur's the best gift giver ever. He donated some money to Lance's family, to permit him to have another chance to be a police officer. The faces on Gwen and Lance are priceless, and she's hugging Arthur and telling him he's the sweetest person ever, and she loves him. Merlin feels a pang of jealousy he has never felt in his life. He's always so selfless, so that's all very new to him. 

"Merlin! I found your present, I love it! Thank you." Morgana shouts from their bedroom and comes down with her new music book.  
"You weren't supposed to open it yet!"   
"Oh bugger off, and let's play together. You can even sing with me."

She goes to the piano and fast reads the song list.  
"There are no Christmas songs in here!" She complains.   
"It is supposed to be used all year long, not just today, Morgana! I can play Oh Christmas Tree, or the Carol of the Bells, so we could sing all together later. I can even play the Nutcracker theme and make Gwaine dance with Freya, if you really want to."   
Morgana laughs and says: "OK, killjoy. Let's try to play this one, it seems easy, and I always loved The King."  
"Who? Arthur? That's gross." Will says.   
"No! ELVIS PRESLEY." Arthur says scandalized. "Haven't you learned anything from Merlin?" 

_Fantastic,_ Morgana has chosen the cheesiest song ever, second only to Love Me Tender. Luckily, she's a fast learner, and she can already sight-read the melody, so Merlin seats at her left and starts to play the harmony of [Can't Help Falling in Love](https://youtu.be/vGJTaP6anOU). They decide to sing each one a strophe, so Morgana starts to sing:

> _Wise men say,_  
>  _only fools rush in,_  
>  _But I can't help, falling in love with you._
> 
> _Shall I stay?_  
>  _Would it be a sin_  
>  _If I can't help falling in love with you._

At the end of the song Merlin is trembling so much, he fears someone might notice there something wrong with him. He's only lucky he's still looking at the piano, and not looking at Arthur.   
They all clap their hands and Gwen says: "Freya's right. You're the power couple of our dreams. I wish I could play and sing with Arthur too."

Merlin can't resist much longer, he turns to her and says: "Thank you, sweetheart. But all this singing has made my throat harsh. I need a drink."   
He stands up and rushes to the kitchen in search for the biggest glass they have, to drown his realization in mulled wine. He really couldn't help falling in _love_ with Arthur. 

He's glad to be alone when he hears a voice coming from his back.   
"How are you?"   
It's Lance. _What does Lance have to do in the kitchen?_ The [Waltz n.2](https://youtu.be/c1j5IOZmh6g) by Shostakovitch is playing on the background.

"I'm fine. The wine is a balm for my throat."   
"Has anyone ever told you that you're a terrible liar?"   
"No, why?" Merlin laughs a little, wondering where this conversation is going.  
"Gaius heard you playing and came downstairs to play with you two, but Morgana wanted to dance and asked Gaius for a waltz. We are living in that damned Anna Karenina, and you know what? I love it. I always have, and I watched also all the films adaptations."  
"What does this have anything to do with me and lying?"   
"Let me finish first!"   
"Sorry..."  
"In the book, and in the films too, Anna and Vronsky [dance](https://youtu.be/HDpU0_Hz-24) right in front of Kitty. And you my friend are Kitty, but so am I. As an aspiring policeman, I notice things. It's one of my few talents. And I see how you look at Arthur. I haven't said anything because you are with Morgana, and I still don't know why, and because you're obviously not out yet, but I see. And it is the same for me."  
"You're in love with Arthur??" Merlin really shouldn't drink alcohol.   
"No... It's Gwen! And isn't that fantastic that, not only we are reliving Anna Karenina, but we really are the Knights of the round table?"   
"Gwen is cheating on Arthur??"   
"No... I don't want to give her the chance. I love her too much for that, and I care about Arthur, he's my friend. It's also absurd because I've known her only from that party, but I am so completely in love I also think she's my soulmate."   
"How can you know? There's still a choice after all." Merlin says, a swell of affection for his friend warming him.  
"At that party we talked so much, and I felt such a connection with her. Then my soulmate tattoo is a sunflower, his favourites, and I know for sure that she would follow her soulmate as that flower follows the sun, if given the chance. And that's brings me back to my question. Are YOU alright? Because I'm not!"  
Merlin, wide-eyed, can only give him his big cup of wine and says: "Cheers mate!" 

* * *

Will, Morgana and Merlin are sitting on the train on their way to Ealdor.  
Will is sleeping with his head leaned on the window while Morgana is working on her thesis on her laptop. Merlin should study too, but reading on the train or cars makes him sick, so he simply watches out of the window, without even listening to music to avoid (rather unsuccessfully) to think about Arthur.

"You are excited to come home, I see." Morgana says, without taking her eyes off the screen.  
"Only to see my mum. I missed her."   
"Can't wait to meet her. You and Will always talk well of her."   
"She's a terrible cook, I must warn you."   
"That's not a problem. If it was too good it could remind me too much of home."   
Morgana doesn't show it, but even if she's not religious, she would love to spend Christmas at home with her family. Merlin knows that this is the best time to tell her the truth, since she can't run from a moving train or change seat, because it's full of passengers.

"You know, I think it's time for you to talk with Uther."   
Morgana then looks at him as if she wants to make him burn with the power of her brain.  
"Are you completely out of your mind?"   
"No. I only thought that distance might do you both good, but it's clear you're suffering, and I don't want that. You could simply send him a Merry Christmas."   
"I'm not going to do that."   
"I also thought that maybe, if you start talking again, on January we could invite him to see you play. There's an exhibition at Freya's academy and even people who don't attend it can perform, if they pay a tuition fee. So, you could prove him to be both good at playing and not being corrupted by music and still wanting to work for him."  
"You... You are totally insane. And I know you're telling me this now, so I can't yell at you and go away, you sneaky little bastard."   
"'Gana. You know I'm right, but most of all, you perfectly know that it won't be Uther the one doing the first move. He is what he is, but from what I could see, he loves you and Arthur dearly in his weird and possessive kind of way."  
"If he loved me, he wouldn't have kicked me out."   
"He was furious, and he didn't really kick you out. And if he hated you or simply didn't care, he wouldn't have been this mad."   
"Still. I'm not going to talk to him, and if you're trying to steal my phone and message him in my place as I suppose you're about to do, I'll end your life in a very painful way."   
_Wow, Morgana can be both stubborn and terrifying as her father_ , and she really knows Merlin well.  
"Suit yourself. You are going to regret this, but if that makes you happy do as you want. But please don't be mad at me, you know I only want the best for you, and for Arthur too. He misses you and you know it."   
"I know." She says, softening her gaze and resting his head on his shoulder.

To cheer her up, Merlin begins to sing:

> _Put your head on my shooooooouldeeeeer,_  
>  _Hold me in your arms, baby._

"Shut up! You're going to annoy everyone with your lousy [Paul Anka's](https://youtu.be/kvazBqAlx58) impression." Morgana says, laughing a little. It's incredible how he can cheer up both Arthur and Morgana, only by singing silly old songs and making an idiot out of himself.

"Oh no! He was wonderful and you two are so sweet. Please continue. That was my husband favourite song you know?" A nice old lady says, from the other side of the train.  
"Did you hear what this sweet lady said? I must continue or we will disappoint her!"   
Morgana slaps his arm and Merlin takes that as a suggestion to keep singing, exaggerating the first line, as if she really hurt him by hitting his arm:

> _Squeeze me oh-so-tight,_  
>  _Show me that you love me too._

* * *

When they arrive at Merlin's, Will leaves them to go to his house, while they are greeted by a cheerful Hunith waiting outside the front door.  
"Merlin!" She shouts as she hugs him. "I missed you so much! And you must be Morgana. Nice to meet you!"   
"Nice to meet you too." Morgana says, shaking her hand with an earnest smile.  
"You are gorgeous indeed. Merlin wasn't just being nice. Pity he didn't bring your brother too... He never stops talking about you two when he calls me." 

Morgana makes a pained face and Merlin glance at her mother trying to communicate by telepathy with her and saying _you shouldn't have said that_! Incredibly, Hunith understands and apologizes. "I'm so sorry for what happened though. You are welcome to stay as long as you please, and make yourself at home. Everyone who makes my boy this happy should consider themselves adopted." Then she hugs Morgana too and well, Merlin knows she can't resist to hugs, even if she plays the strong woman who doesn't need affection. _Like brothers like sisters._

On Christmas day Morgana is helping Hunith cooking and Merlin is waiting in his room for Will to come for lunch, since he's his first "adopted" brother.  
While he waits, he sends a quick message to Arthur:

> Merry Christmas, Arthur. Wish you were here. Tell your father, Morgana misses him. She will never write or call, so please help me mediate. Delete this message as soon as you read it. 

After no longer than two minutes Arthur replies:

> Merry Christmas you too. It will be done.

Merlin smiles at that and hopes for a Christmas miracle.

When he comes downstairs, he hears Morgana playing and singing [River](https://youtu.be/F8MqF7xEGhs) by Joni Mitchell at his father's piano. He should feel sad, but as he sees Will recording her and his mother crying happy tears he couldn't help but smile and be proud of her. She practices every day, and she has learned that song without his help. It wasn't perfect and the melisma on the word _fly_ was a bit out of tune, but in the complex it was all oh-so-beautiful. 

When she finishes, Will still doesn't put down his phone and Merlin says: "If you continue this way, you won't need me anymore! What will I do with my life?"   
"Oh Merlin don't be so dramatic."   
"Who's the one singing the most depressing Christmas song ever?" She laughs, and he continues: "But you were incredible. You should be getting paid for this."   
"You know, Merlin? I could say the same to you and still you want to be an English teacher."   
"Music is my passion. Not my job."   
"Same for me." She says with a fond smile. "But I still think you should teach music and not waste your talent. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you!"  
"Exactly. You would still have a home and a family if it wasn't for me." He mumbles, crossing his arms on his chest.   
"Stop that, Merlin. It wasn't your fault. I choose it and you only helped me. And you know what? I might miss my family, but I am happier with you than I've ever been, and I am sure Arthur feels the same."  
They hug and, as they go to the dining room to eat their lunch and exchange their last presents, Will sends Merlin the video he has just made.

They are still eating when Morgana's phone rings.  
"Sorry, I forgot to put it on..." She abruptly stops as she sees what's on her phone.  
"What's wrong, dear?" Hunith asks.  
"Uther wrote me a Happy Holidays." She says frowning.  
"He did what?" Will asks, spitting his food being caught wrong-footed.   
"Merlin, what have you done?" Morgana asks.   
_"Me?_ Nothing." He answers, shrugging. "Are you going to invite him to the exhibition I was talking about on the train?"   
"Maybe." She says, smiling now, and then she whispers a little "thank you", and that's all Merlin needs.

Maybe Christmas miracles exist. He was right in believing in _magic_ after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to write some more scenes in this chapter, like a mother to son dialogue about soulmates and so on, but it was already long enough. I particularly love this chapter so I really hope you'll like it too. In the next two chapters there will be a lot of drama, so I'm warning you.
> 
> Ps. If you haven't watched Anna Karenina with Keira Knightley, do it. Understand? Do it. It's a bit weird, but the costumes, and the cast, and the story are oh so good... And read also the novel of course. Same for the [Nutcracker](https://youtu.be/xtLoaMfinbU) ballet.


	12. Lord Randall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who don't get the meaning of the fairy emoji, read and listen to the [Lord Randall](https://youtu.be/MMR55HoeSG4) Scottish ballad.  
> It's about a common European tale about a man who enters a forbidden forest where he sees a fairy, masked as his true love. The fairy poisons him and he dies asking his mother to make his bed to rest. 
> 
> I won't say anything further to avoid any spoilers.

* * *

**LORD RANDALL**

_Arthur_ 🧚

* * *

Arthur never liked Christmas holidays much, since his mother's death. They weren't any special, he didn't really need any kind of presents and well... he always felt lonely. School was over, so he couldn't see the few friends he had, it was too cold to go outside and they even never travelled much, since Uther was always at work. There were also times when his father left Arthur and Morgana to a housemaid because he had meetings in _Burundi,_ or somewhere that far and didn't want to bring them with him, so they wouldn't distract him from work.

This year, well, this year was a whole new thing. Even if Morgana wasn't there, Arthur had a girlfriend, who even invited him to meet her parents on Christmas Eve. He had that party at Gaius' house, where he spent the most enjoyable time he had in all his holidays life. But most of all he had Merlin. _God bless him_. He and his _stupid_ bravery and selflessness. If it wasn't for him, Arthur would have probably ended up having the worst Christmas day ever, with his father barely talking, if not shouting at him.   
Arthur can see now that he's not alone anymore.

Arthur has also never seen Uther in such a good mood since he can remember.  
On Christmas day, when Arthur in a very diplomatic way convinced his father to send that message, Uther was probably a bit drunk. Changing his opinion was always as near as impossible, and Merlin is actually right when he says that stubbornness runs into Arthur's family, _not that Merlin isn't one himself_ , that must be clear. That day however, was it the alcohol, the holidays' mood, Arthur's talent or some kind of miracle, Uther actually listened to him and wrote a message to Morgana.

The best part was seeing his father's face when she actually answered a cold "You and Arthur's too". It was like the world was lightened up all of a sudden and Uther was finally seeing the light after an endless night in the North Pole. He even started smiling and hugging Arthur and telling him he was proud of his son. Arthur was definitely under some kind of spell too, and he was actually seeing things. _Definitely._

He only started to believe it was happening for real: first, when Uther stopped demanding permission for everything Arthur did; second, when Morgana sent him a message asking him to persuade their father into coming to see her playing the piano at Freya's academy near the end of January. Arthur made that his new goal. If he could brainwash Uther into seeing her sister performing in a _musical_ event, Arthur will become the best lawyer Britain has ever seen.

Arthur passed the rest of the holidays studying and reading, or better said devouring, the book Merlin gave him. He didn't think he would have liked it, since he's used to reading other genres, even if it's from an Italian dead author. Still he loved it, and it felt like Merlin gave Arthur a piece of himself, instead of a simple book, and he really would be an _idiot_ to think that Ygraine's turntable was too much. Merlin totally deserved it.

When Arthur saw him for the first time in weeks, at the New Year's Eve party, his heart felt lighter. He missed Morgana too, but she was only his sister, and for a moment he even believed that Merlin felt the same when he greeted him with a smile that always takes the breath out of his lungs, and a hug he didn't think he craved for.

So, sometimes Arthur still wonders what his life would be if _Merlin_ was his soulmate. _Yes, yes_ , soulmates choose each other and in reality they are not matched up by destiny. But what if _he_ was?  
Merlin, on the other side, has Morgana and their friends are right. They are a nice couple, even if when he sees them together he still feels a pang of jealousy he never does for Gwen. Arthur is a little jealous of her too, of course, especially when she probably unintentionally flirts with Lancelot, but that is never as strong. 

Yet, when Arthur thinks about that, he feels horribly guilty. He has Gwen, the sweetest, most beautiful and interesting girlfriend he could ask for, and Arthur loves her dearly. Their tattoos also match, and he can picture themselves living a happy life together.

But what if...

* * *

When Arthur thought that Gwen reminded him of Merlin when she seems to read his mind, he didn't actually believe that it was possible. 

Two weeks have passed since New Year's Day and Morgana's performance is getting closer, when Gwen calls him and asks him to see each other in person because "they need to talk".

 _Damn,_ that phrase always implies some terrible things. _He didn't do anything wrong, hadn't he?_ They've been together for not enough time to have something serious to happen. _Is she pregnant? God, please, not let her be pregnant._ Arthur's not ready to become a father, he's still a student after all and his own family is a wreck. _How can he take care of a baby, when he still can't make his own father and sister talk to each other?_

Since Uther is in the States for a business trip, they meet at his house, so they wouldn't be interrupted, and that also give them more privacy for "such" serious conversation.

When Gwen arrives, Arthur greets her with a kiss on the lips that is wholly unreturned, and she has a sad look in her eyes.  
"Do you want something to drink or do you prefer going to my room instead?" Arthur asks, starting to feel unease.  
"A drink would do it. Thanks." Gwen answers, visibly nervous but always polite, and Arthur wonders when did she start acting as she did when they still didn't date.

He pours a glass of water to Gwen and one of red wine for himself, even if it's only 2pm because he has the feeling he might actually need it.  
"So, what did you want to tell me? Did I do something wrong?" Arthur asks, starting to tremble like a girl.  
"No, darling it wasn't your fault."   
"So, you're not pregnant, because that would be actually my fault in a way." Gwen laughs, but it sounds forced. "No, I'm not." She says. 

"So, what's wrong? I'm starting to worry, and it really isn't like me."  
"Better rip the band-aid off sooner than later. I'm in love with Lance." She says eventually, starting to silently cry. Arthur feels himself going on fire and stiffens, his expression going blank.   
"You're what?"   
"You heard me." Her voice is a little shaky and Arthur thinks he is starting to forget how to breathe. He turns to look at the kitchen counter and leans on it because he can't trust his legs, if he sees her face.

"When, how did that happen?"   
"I think he's my soulmate." She answers, so feebly that it was hard to be heard.  
"I thought _we_ were soulmates." Arthur says, jaw clenched. "I know we were together for only a few months, but... I love you and I thought we worked well together. W-what changed?"  
"I love you too, and that's the problem." Gwen says, gaining some voice. "Nothing has changed to be honest. I was thinking about how at our first book club meeting I said I loved Anna Karenina and I could see myself in her. She loved her husband and her son, but she loved Vronsky too from that very first moment they met.   
This is how I feel. When I met Lance at that party we talked a lot and we had such a connection… I've never felt like that, like he was the centre of my attention and I couldn't stop following him. But I had you, and I thought there was something wrong in me, so then I stopped thinking about him. That was until New Year's Eve party, when I realized that I wanted to kiss him more than you at midnight. I felt like I was betraying you just through my thoughts. Then I saw his soulmate tattoo by accident. He spilled some wine on his left sleeve and the tattoo was on plain sight when he tried to clean it. It's a sunflower, Arthur, and I see myself more in that than in yours.

Arthur can't speak anymore and can't find the words to ask her to continue. Gwen however , as already said, can read his mind and says: "I talked to him that night, when you were out on the balcony, chatting with Merlin. I also realized that I see Lance in my tattoo more than you. Not because you're not brave, or you wouldn't sacrifice yourself like a proper Knight, you would, if needed. But you wouldn't sacrifice something that is too precious for you, for someone else's good. Lance gave up his dream for his family, and when I _did_ kiss him he said he'd rather suffer alone, than ask me to leave you."  
"How honourable of him." Arthur then says, with anger now.  
"Now be sincere with me. Why did you ask me out?" Gwen asks, always calm, always lovingly even with tears on her face.

Arthur is left speechless again. He can't answer that, if he wants to be completely honest with her.  
"You know I love you."   
"That wasn't the right answer. I know you do, because I see you as you see me. We're similar, and we're both Anna in our way."   
"What are you trying to say?" Arthur is confused now.  
"That if you thought Merlin was gay or bi, you would have asked him out and Morgana be damned. Am I wrong?" He doesn't answer, watching still into her eyes now.  
"I take that as a no. You would have never asked me out in the first place if Merlin wasn't dating Morgana. I don't know if you two are soulmates or not, Merlin is a dear friend, but he still hides so much of himself from me. But I see how you look at him and there's not only friendship... There's lush and..."  
"You don't actually believe I would betray you with him, right?" Arthur asks, unsure of himself as always.  
"Obviously not, but you don't look at me the same way, just as I don't to you. I still love you. You're a loyal friend and my first real love even if it didn't last long. This is why I'm leaving you, because you won't. I want you to be happy, but I want that for myself too."  
"Didn't I make you happy? Arthur asks, tears behind his lashes and feeling like a virgin girl. _Be a man Arthur._  
"You do! But wouldn't Merlin make you happier than I do? I hope someday you'll find your real soulmate, Merlin or not, and that you'll forgive me. _Please_ forgive me. You're still one of my best friends." Her voice is so shaky Arthur can't think straight and doesn't really know if he's cross with her or not.

She gets up eventually, kisses Arthur's cheek and heads towards the door, watching him a last time. She says: "I hope to see you tomorrow night at the bookclub, nevertheless. Don't leave just because of me and Lance." And then she leaves.

* * *

So... Gwen dumps Arthur for Lance, claiming Arthur is also in love with someone else, and what does he do? He immediately thinks to call _said someone_ to find comfort. Obviously he wants to do this because Merlin is his best friend, and not because he wants to steal him from Morgana. That would be incredibly immoral.  
Arthur isn't as close to anyone else in the group really, and he needs someone to confide to and help him cope with the heartbreak. So, he ends up calling Morgana, since Uther's not at home. 

" _Hello?_ "   
"Hey, it's me, Arthur."   
" _Are you alright? You never call. Is everything OK?_ "   
"Gwen and I broke up." He answers, his voice always impenetrable, but no one fools Morgana.  
" _Oh no! Why?_ "  
"She's in love with Lance, it seems."   
There's a silence on the other line and Arthur begins to suspect she has hung up on him. "Morgana are you there?"  
" _Yes, yes I am. It's just... I really don't know what to say. Gwen hasn't told me anything, but that doesn't surprise me anymore. I'm so sorry! I thought you were happy together._ "  
"Yeah, I thought that too. I know you'll probably think I'm a girl for asking, but Uther is in the States at the moment so, would you like to come here and stay for the night? We could order a Pizza and drink wine until we're done."  
" _At this moment I really don't think you're a girl. You're finally showing some emotion, and I'm actually proud of you. I know it's hard... It is the same for me, sometimes_.   
"So... Are you coming?" He hopefully asks.   
" _I'm sorry, I have to practice, and I have to study too. Merlin would be happy to be there though. I don't know why you called me instead of him, actually... He'll be there in a minute he says. Let me know if you're alright, OK?_ "   
"NO PLEASE DON'T SEND MERLIN!" Arthur shouts, but all he hears before she hangs up is: " _Oh and remember him to pay the tuition fee for the performance. See you at the bookclub meeting_." 

_Fuck._ Now he'll be stuck at home with Merlin, with wine, food and no one there, talking about _feelings._ Arthur doesn't want that now, come to think of it. He doesn't want to be alone with him, even if Merlin is his best friend and before that call, all that Arthur wanted was to hear his voice.

* * *

When Merlin arrives, Arthur is already hitting the bottle hard and on an empty stomach. It wasn't a good idea, but Arthur thought he would have handled the situation better if he was high and not tensed in front of Merlin. He should have drunk only a glass or two, but he ended up finishing the bottle of wine because everyone knows that one glass leads to the other when someone's heartbroken.

"MERLIN!" Arthur shouts, smiling wide when he opens the door to Merlin, taking the plastic bag he has in his hand and looking at another bottle of wine and some junk food.  
"You're already drunk! It is _that_ bad then. I didn't believe Morgana. How much did you drink."  
Arthur giggles. _No, no it wasn't a giggle because Arthur's not a girl. It was a hiccup, definitely._

"Oh no, you're not drunk. You're totally wasted. You weren't that drunk even at Gwaine's party! Now, you look like a complete simpleton."  
"'M not!" Arthur says, offended. "If you insult me again 'm goin' to send you to the stocks. Found them you know? In the attic." He adds, pointing a shaky finger on him. "But where are my manners? Letting you stay outside, under the cold weather of January." Please come in and make yourself at ease. 

Merlin enters and laughs hard at that.  
"I know I shouldn't laugh. You're heartbroken and sloshed, but you've just threatened me to put me in the stoks, but you're talking like a lord now."   
"Shut up!" Arthur says, but he really doesn't think that because he actually likes Merlin's low and soothing voice, that makes him want to crawl in his lap and sleep... So, he says: "If I'm a lord, then I can be no other than Lord Randall."   
"Thought you were King Arthur Pendragon himself, my lord." Merlin says, tilting his head and smiling mockingly.  
"Both. Damn. Should I sentence her and Lancelot to death, or leave her hell and fire and die for the alcohol poisoning she has caused to me?" Arthur lies on the couch like a sack of potatoes and watches into the fireplace, as it could tell him a bedtime story and fall asleep forever.  
"I think you should drink some water and eat something first. Then you'll tell me what happened with Gwen. Is that okay?" Merlin says, patting his head. 

As Arthur did at Gwaine's party, Merlin helps him sober up. He takes an ibuprofen with a lot of water and eats some of the chips Merlin brought.

They are both sitting on the couch in front of the fireplace, when Arthur finally brings up the courage to tell him about Gwen. About how she kissed Lance and told him she still loved Arthur nevertheless, but that they weren't meant to be together. 

He purposely avoids saying she knows he has feelings for Merlin, but that didn't seem relevant. They remain silent for a while, watching at everything and at nothing at the same time, and Arthur wonders how he ended up liking also the silence between them. But Merlin is supposed to be there to cheer him up, or to say something wise as Arthur knows he's capable of. So, he waves a hand in front of Merlin and starts to badly sing:

> _Hello darkness my friend... I want to talk with you again..._

"Oh my god, please stop. And I'm the one you always say to shut up. Are you still drunk?"  
"No... Maybe... I don't know. I just want to know your opinion."  
"Since when did you start to care about my opinion?" Merlin asks, genuinely curious. Arthur watches him and nods. "You know, for being so wise sometimes, you really act like a fool. I don't even know why have I asked you that, and I actually called Morgana." Arthur says, retreating behind the wall he built around his heart, and that was beginning to crumble since Merlin and Gwen came in his life.

Merlin somehow knows what he's doing, and he promptly asks: "What do you want me to say? The truth or something that will make you feel better?"  
"I expect nothing but the absolute wrecking truth from you."  
"Then I'll say that you are right."  
"I am what?"  
"You are right, and you are acting like Lord Randall and not like King Arthur the legend. You thought Gwen was your true love, but then she "poisoned" you with her betrayal, and now you are suffering, but you will not sentence her to death, because you love her, and you probably know she's right. Tell me, deep in your heart, do you think having gone through the forbidden greenwood of dating her was the right thing to do?"

Arthur is speechless again. _What was the point of reading that much, if one could easily take away the words out of his brain?_ So, he says: "How do you always read my mind? Am I an open book or something? We've known each other for what, four months, and you know me better than anyone, but I still haven't fathomed you out."  
"Do you wish to fathom me out?" Merlin asks, laughing softly. "Thought you'd like the aura of mystery around me."  
"I do. I really do." Arthur admits, watching him intensely those blue eyes with golden strays he loves.

Merlin clears his throat and says: "Gosh, I didn't realize it was this late. I really should go. I should also help Morgana by paying her tuition since I'm out."   
Arthur feels his heart sink. He made Merlin uncomfortable, and now he wants to leave.  
"Please stay! It's night, and it's pouring outside. Besides, all the offices are closed at this hour. You can still go tomorrow morning, and then we'll go together at the book club meeting. If that's not too much to ask."   
Merlin is visibly considering it, but then he says: "Of course I'll stay." If he is defeated or earnestly saying that, Arthur can't tell.

* * *

They watch a silly film on the TV, they eat some more junk food and drink a little more wine when Arthur is practically sleep walking.

"I think we should go to bed." Merlin says. That phrase sends a wave down Arthur's stomach that isn't totally due to all that alcohol. "Do you have a spare toothbrush and some clothes to sleep in?" He asks then, and Arthur is suddenly woken up from his forbidden daydream about the two of them, naked in Arthur's bed and a cock in his mouth.  
"Yes, yes I have them." Arthur says, but he doesn't move from his spot.  
"Do you expect me to find them by myself? You told me I would be a crappy manservant and I can't say you're wrong."  
Arthur chuckles and leads him upstairs and thinks that, if he knows Merlin enough, he couldn't help himself but continue to sing. So, Arthur says: "I could still change the lyrics to that ballad and say " _Merlin mak my bed soon, for I'm weary with hunting and fain would lie down_ "."

> " _What d'ye leave to your... Merlin, Lord Randall, my.... Friend? What d'ye leave to your Merlin, my handsome young man?_ "

Merlin abruptly stops and Arthur bursts out laughing. "It was on purpose from the beginning, wasn't it? Making your head bigger than already is." Merlin grumbles, but failing to hide his smile.

Arthur gives Merlin a toothbrush, a pair of his sleeping trousers and a t-shirt and leaves him to go to the bathroom first, to give him some privacy to change himself.   
Arthur isn't exactly prepared to see his crush on his own clothes though. They're both standing in the bathroom entrance, and they're so close Arthur could just lean a little and kiss Merlin, and so he does without thinking.

Finally, tasting Merlin's lips is for Arthur like seeing a view from a mountaintop, both breathtaking and scary, fearing to fall down on a rock. He tastes like wine and mint toothpaste, but the astonishing part is that Merlin isn't rejecting him, so Arthur takes it as a hint to deepen the kiss. However, that is received with a sob and a shivering Merlin.

"Hey! I... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. It's... you know, the alcohol and... and I miss Gwen. It doesn't mean anything." Arthur pretends. Of course, that kiss means everything to him, but he doesn't want to ruin his friendship with the best person he has ever met in his life.

Merlin is still crying though, and Arthur really can't understand why. And no matter how much he likes to tease Merlin by saying he's a girl, he knows he isn't actually a weepy princess, so it must be something important.   
"M... Morgana." That's the only thing Merlin says. _Obviously, he's crying for her_.  
"I won't tell her. If you want to though, you can totally blame it on me. And you can sleep in her bedroom if I make you uncomfortable, but can we just forget what I did?"   
Merlin nods and goes into Morgana's old bedroom, he shuts the door and doesn't reappear until the following morning, when he leaves the manor without even saying goodbye. 

Arthur should have expected this. Merlin was always uncomfortable about this whole situation: he was when Arthur "came out", and he was downstairs when Arthur watched him like that. So, first, Merlin is undoubtedly straight and disgusted by the kiss, and second he was like cheating on his girlfriend, and _of course_ Merlin was loyal to Morgana. Now Arthur feels like the worst traitor in the world because, not only he made Merlin cheat, but also because he was mad at Gwen for the same _fucking_ reason, and she was right all along.

The next morning, while he's eating his breakfast alone he texts Gwen a quick message:

> You were right. It will be hard for me, but tell Lance I understand, and I forgive you. Please forgive me too, if I made you suffer. See you tonight.

After not longer than a few minutes she answers:

> There's nothing for you to apologize for, and you don't know how much your forgiveness means to me. Thank you and see you tonight. 

He doesn't hear from Merlin nor Morgana for the rest of the day though, but he hopes that the situation will not be too awkward at least, and that everything will be fine. It has to be fine. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't know why, but writing this chapter was harder than I thought. Maybe the next one will be even harder, so I hope to not let you wait too much.
> 
> Ps. I don't think you'll need a link to The Sound of Silence, but sice I made it for every song, then [here](https://youtu.be/NAEppFUWLfc) you are.


	13. Vissi d'arte

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: this chapter contains homophobic comments and explicit sexual content. The comments are not intentional, you'll understand them later and the sex scene is well... more explicit than the one with Gwen and Arthur because I wanted it to sound real. I don't hide that I found it kind of exciting myself even if I said I don't want to write porn stuff. So, if you're uncomfortable you can skip the paragraph and go "straight" to the end. I'll put a double end paragraph sign to show you where it starts and ends. 
> 
> The title means "I lived of/for art" in italian and it's the title from [this](https://youtu.be/1P79Kx6ciXU) aria of Tosca by Puccini.  
> In this Opera, Tosca is essentially obliged by Scarpia to sleep with him in order to save her true love, Cavaradossi, a painter condemned to death. Long story short, Tosca in this aria asks God why she has to suffer this much, if she only lived of art and love. At the end of the Opera she takes her revenge but dies nevertheless.
> 
> I hope that when you'll read the chapter, it will all make sense.
> 
> In the meantime, listen to [this](https://youtu.be/e7xq4rVNWRA) aria from Tosca too. When I heard it at the theatre I literally cried (I didn't hear Pavarotti obviously, but it was emotional still). Remember to turn on the subtitles to have an English translation. The title, E lucevan le stelle, means "the stars were shining". It is sung by Cavaradossi, who's dying and remembering her amorous encounters with Tosca.

* * *

**VISSI D'ARTE**

_Morgana_ 🔪

* * *

Since Merlin went to check on Arthur, Morgana has studied and practised at Merlin's keyboard all night long and the day after too, and she is so absorbed in her occupations that she even forgets to eat lunch.

Her exhibition is coming in a week after all, and she has to be perfect, no matter if Uther will come to see her play or not. Being over prepared will ensure her to not make a fool of herself in front of everyone in the audience. Still, she can't forget she has to graduate this year too, and she must get good grades, if she wants to have the possibility to work for other firms, since Uther almost disowned her. 

The good angel on her shoulder tells her that all this pressure isn't good for her, she needs to take a break, drink a good coffee, take a shower and check on Merlin and Arthur. She is even starting to act like Kronk, going mad and talking to little replicas of herself, and this might be a clue that maybe - _just maybe_ \- the good angel has a point. However, Morgana has never been good at listening to that part of herself. She only hears the devil's voice on her other shoulder, telling her to forget anxiety and pressure, to sweep them under the rug, and to continue to practice or everything go wrong. Hence, she didn't even notice that Merlin didn't come back, nor has she brothered texting him, until Gaius knocked on the bedroom door and asked if everything was all right.

"I'm fine, thanks Gaius." Morgana says politely. "I haven't heard from Merlin for a while though, do you know where he is?"   
"No I don't, darling. I thought he was with Arthur or with you, practising for your exhibition... Are you nervous?"   
"Maybe a little... There's this passage I really can't make right and Merlin is not here. I should call him."  
"He's probably in the library. Some days ago, he told me he was neglecting his studies lately, and I suggested going there and avoid any distraction. I can help you, if you want. You'll surely see Merlin tonight at your book meeting."

She agrees and goes downstairs to practice a little more with Gaius, before preparing for the meeting.

* * *

The bookclub meeting is scheduled at Leon's flat, since no one has ever been there and the next one must be at Gwen's, since it will be the last reunion about Anna Karenina.

Morgana arrives a little late because she insisted on getting that _damned_ passage right before getting a shower and put a bit of makeup on.

She always puts a lot of effort on being at her best, even around her friends, so that there wouldn't be any comment, besides the fact of being late. But who cares, a woman can be late sometimes, if this means not looking like she's coming straight out of a storm. Probably someone could find her attractive even with puffy eyes and hair a mess, she doesn't doubt that, since she was appreciated for her appearance - except for his _bastard_ of an uncle, who always had to criticize her - in more than one occasion. But _the one_ she wants to impress will be there, so Morgana had to be at least presentable, and she has spent perhaps too much time in front of the wardrobe.

"Sorry for being late, guys." Morgana says as she comes into Leon's flat. The others are in the small but cosy living room, all settled up for the night, and they make some irritated sounds. She expected that, since is a rough period for everyone, so she adds: "I've brought some wine!", and she produces a bottle of red wine from her bag. That ensures her their forgiveness and a bright smile from Freya, that sends shivers down Morgana's spine.

Then she heads towards the kitchen with Leon then to help him to bring the glasses. In an attempt to be a good guest, Morgana asked Leon about his life. They have never really talked to each other, not even when they met all those times at parties and bookclub reunions, so she thought to ask him about his life. Yet, Morgana was so tired her mind was fuzzy, and she didn't pay much attention. All she gets, before Leon leaves her for the living room, is that he lives in alone in one of the flats his parents own to rent, and he is studying to become a personal trainer. 

"Morgana, did you happen to see Merlin today?" Arthur abruptly says behind her back, making her jump and risking breaking some glasses.  
"You scared me!" She says, sobering up a little. "Isn't he with the others in the living room? I swear I saw him there...". Morgana is confused, her mind reeling and yes, she should have listened to her little angel self and relax. She could do that tomorrow, though.  
"Morgana… are you there?" Arthur asks, snapping two fingers in front of her face. "You are scaring me."  
"Sorry, I had a long day. What were you saying?"  
"I asked if you've seen Merlin. He rushed out of the manor this morning and doesn't answer the phone." Arthur says, showing his concern.  
"I thought he was with you or in the library 'cause Gaius said he had to study. Did something happen?" She asks concerned.   
Arthur actually blushes and mumbles a "No" that didn't convince Morgana even a little, but she's too tired to ask further.   
"We all thought he was coming with you, but apparently not. I'll better ask Will to call him. Maybe Merlin will answer to him." Arthur says and goes out of the kitchen. 

"Merlin says something urgent came up, and he can't make to come." Will says frowning, once Morgana gives everyone a glass full of wine. "It isn't like him to act like that... Morgana, did something happen?"  
"Not that I'm aware of. But you know him, if it wasn't important he would be here just as Arthur is, despite his and Gwen breakup". Arthur, Gwen and Lance all look away embarrassed. The other members knew everything, of course, but they are all adults or at least trying to act like ones and don't comment. "I'll call him later and tomorrow I'll let you know if everything is okay." Morgana says, starting to worry.

The meeting goes on quite well, in spite of all the love triangle issue. Morgana lets also herself subtly flirt a little with Freya, managing to make her blush only with glances and light touches on her lower back. But Merlin's absence is noticeable and almost unbearable for everyone, it is his club after all. So, they decide to end the meeting earlier.

When everyone's outside and saying goodbye, Freya approaches Morgana and asks her to write her a message as soon as Merlin is back, showing her real concern. Then Freya kisses her a goodbye on the cheek and _isn't that the most amazing thing ever?_

* * *

When Morgana comes home, she finds Merlin laying in bed and rolled up in blankets like a kid, giving the back to the door and facing outside the window. She can't see his face, but it is obvious that something is not right with him. 

Growing up with Uther, for Morgana and her brother means not being used to deal with emotions, either their own or of the others. She taught herself how to be a strong and independent woman, and she built up walls to hide how vulnerable she really is. However, if something good has come out from this situation, where she has no real home, and she has lived with Merlin for months, practically sleeping in the same bed every night, is that she at least has understood that there's nothing wrong with being emotional and seeking help, especially from the best friend you have ever had.

Now it's her turn to put aside her pride and her old-fashioned way of thinking, where men have to be strong and undemonstrative, and ask him what's wrong. He wouldn't want to talk about it, perhaps, but she has to be there for Merlin at least, as he has been for her.

So, she sits on the corner of their bed and puts a hand on his shoulder.  
"Merls, what's wrong?" She asks, worried but trying to be reassuring. "Where were you? We've missed you tonight."  
"Anything to be concerned about." He says, voice hoarse, as he's been crying. Morgana is also sure she heard a sniffle, but she doesn't want to embarrass him.  
"We don't have to speak about it, if you don't want to. But you know you can tell me anything, right?" She says instead, giving him a tight smile.  
Merlin doesn't say a word for a while, so Morgana gives him a kiss on his forehead, and she is heading towards bathroom to prepare herself for sleeping, when she hears him mumble something. 

"What?" She asks, standing by the door.  
"He kissed me." Merlin whispers.  
"Who?"  
"Arthur. He kissed me." He says, still not facing her.  
"Oh…" Morgana has no idea of what to say.

She's not jealous, since they're not dating for real, and she obviously doesn't fear losing his friendship. Although, she hasn't rested yet and there's still the little devil on her shoulder, telling her Merlin wants to _dump_ her for Arthur, and let her deal with the consequences alone. She will have to come out herself eventually or to act as if he cheated on her, move out and never see Merlin for some time. Neither of these two outcomes are alluring.

"I won't abandon you" He finally says, nodding to himself. "Even if he's my soulmate, I won't leave you until you're ready."

They've been probably living together for too long, if Merlin is starting to read her mind. That leaves Morgana almost speechless and incredibly sad for not understanding that sooner: Merlin is too much loyal and selfless, and he would do anything for what he thinks is a greater good.  
"Is he really your soulmate?" She asks, starting to tremble a little.  
Merlin only nods, a little and almost invisible movement of his head telling Morgana that, from this point of view, she is the one standing in the way of true love and the people she cares about most in the word.

She swallows audibly and says: "Does Arthur know it?" As she should have expected, Merlin just shakes his head. Of course his brother knows anything about all this. First he's oblivious, second Merlin hasn't told him anything and just ran away.

"We will sort things out." Morgana tells him, feigning resolution.   
"I don't want to lose you." In a swell of affection, she goes to hug him right there and then. "You won't. After I'll complete my thesis I could find a job and move out, and we'll tell our friends that we were only pretending because of Uther without outing me. I-I'm not ready for that."  
"What if he'll find another one? As he did with Gwen?" Merlin says, starting to cry again. "A-after a-all, s-soulmates are a choice."  
"Then he'll be the biggest pillock to ever walk the earth if he loses you." She says, meaning every word. "So, you'll have to find someone more handsome to snog right in front of him, and then move on." Merlin makes a little laugh, and at the end he says: "We'll sort something out."

They both fall asleep as they are, Morgana still dressed but too exhausted to get up from the bed.

* * *

The remaining days until the concert haven't improved, neither for Morgana nor Merlin. He has to attend the lectures, study and help Morgana to practice, while she has also to write her thesis. Gaius helps them as much he could, but he can't do miracles. The couple hasn't even the time to text their friends or finish reading Anna Karenina, and they only stress themselves out to their limits until it happens what is inevitable when someone is not rested and probably a bit out of their minds.

They arrive at Freya's academy on time, Morgana in an elegant dark green satin dress. Inside the auditorium they are greeted by their friends, but Morgana is a bundle of nerves, and she's like sleep walking and doesn't even acknowledge the fact Freya is looking more beautiful than ever, and she's subtly flirting with her as usual. Maybe, she isn't cut out for this lifestyle, and she should better book a flight to Hawaii to work as a seminude waitress and never come back.

"There's no need to be nervous. It's just a show and no one wins or loses here. I've heard you playing, and you'll be great!" Gwen says, trying to reassure Morgana with a warm caress on her back.  
"Gwen's right, there are freshers here that can't even tune their violins or warm up correctly." Freya tells her with a smile.  
"I've never felt this way in my whole life. I won't throw up, and I won't screw anything, I'm sure, but..." Morgana says, more to herself than to Freya. "Where's Uther by the way?" She suddenly asks, watching through the audience to find him.  
"He didn't come. He said he had to work, but I think he isn't ready yet." Arthur tells her with a pained look. _He hasn't said a word since they've arrived and all he can say is that Uther's not here?_

"Oh well, I'm doing this for myself, so... Never mind. Who cares if he can't put his pride aside, and he isn't here to see his own daughter performing?" Morgana says, so bitterly and sarcastically that she gets sterns looks even from Gwaine, the one who never fails to crack a joke about anything really. "What's the set list? When will I play?" She asks, pretending to be her calm self again.  
"The set list is hanging on the backstage door, come with me, and we'll see. I haven't had the time to look at it myself." Freya says and leads Morgana to said door.

Freya will perform with her dance class in third position, but Morgana... Morgana is not even on the list. It must be an error. IT MUST. Freya rushes to ask the director what is the problem with Morgana, leaving her staring furiously and blankly at the _stupid_ piece of paper hanged on that _stupid, stupid_ door.

"He says you didn't pay the tuition fee. They contacted you by email, but you've never answered." Freya says shocked.  
Morgana snaps and goes on a rampage. She runs towards Merlin and slaps him in the face, right in front of everyone. Merlin covers his cheek with his hand, looking away and visibly trying not to lose his temper too.   
"What the hell?!" Will shouts, but Morgana doesn't pay attention and looks at Merlin as if he's just poisoned her, out of breath and teary eyes.   
"You haven't paid the tuition fee, and now I can't perform." She says with all the anger she possesses, but without shouting and probably appearing as the most dangerous person in the world, even in her tiny shape.  
"There must be an error. We should speak with the headmaster or someone like that!" Lance says, trying to be reasonable. Merlin's face goes pale and looks like a ghost. "I-I forgot..."   
"Yeah I figured that out, and now the director says I can't perform. Do you know how much I worked to be here?? Do you have the faintest idea of how much this _damned_ performance meant to me?? What if my father was here??" She is starting to raise her voice, but she doesn't want to look like she's throwing a tantrum in the middle of an auditorium full of people in the audience and performers, even if maybe it is too late for that, since everyone is looking at them now. 

Merlin says nothing, nor the others, and she can't deal with that, so she speaks with a wicked smile. "You know, I might know why you forgot to pay the tuition as I begged you to do. You did it because you're a bloody poof, so self-absorbed in your crush on Arthur - which I agreed to hide - that you didn't do the only one simple thing I asked you to do."

Her friends drop their jaw and look at them as if they were aliens. Arthur more than other, looks betrayed. Merlin then straightens his back and, _oh shit, she shouldn't have said that._ Now he's the one who looks intimidating, the one who can ruin her life with a bare thought, even if he's so scrawny and doesn't even want to kill a fly. He's radiating anger, looking straight into Morgana's eyes, and even Leon looks intimidated by him.  
"One simple thing you say? Who asked me to teach you how to play, despite Uther's prohibition? Who asked me to play on Ygraine's piano risking being caught?  
And who took you in even if he didn't need to? Who told you about this show in the first place and helped you prepare that stupid étude day and night, even if he has to attend to a University and has a life of his own? You could have done it by yourself, checked your emails or something like that. I forget ONE thing, doesn't matter how much important that is, and being embarrassed in front of everyone is what I get. Morgana, of all people, you know where gay bashing brought me to. Did you want a show? You had it at my expenses. And you know what? I could say so many things about you, but I will not because you were right. Bees are frightening beasts that sting if scared, but I'm not one."

There is not a single trace of regret on Morgana's face, until Merlin says those last words. _Bees sting, but I'm not one._  
Merlin shares a few tears in front of her before going away, followed by Will. Arthur excuses himself with Freya for not wanting to stay to watch her, the polite man he's growing to be, and goes away without a word to Morgana. The others take their seats and Freya goes to the backstage and all Morgana can think about now is the look on her friends' faces. The look on Merlin's one. The look on Arthur's.

She goes in the ladies room and leans on one sink and tries to calm down. _That hurts_ , she apparently has lost everything, and it's all her fault.  
In a pang of rage she punches the mirror and breaks it, cutting her hand badly. She doesn't shout, but the noise of glass breaking attires the attention of a girl from outside.

The girl helps her to clean up the mess and to bandage her hand, even if Morgana swears it's nothing to worry about, and she can handle it by herself.  
Calmed down, Morgana goes to speak with the director and gives him her number to pay for the damage, and takes a seat.  
She doesn't really pay attention to any of the performances, even to Freya's one, until an opera singer comes to the stage and starts to beautifully sing Vissi D'arte from Tosca.

Morgana remembers that aria. It was one of Ygraine's favourites and unfortunately one of Merlin's too. He made her watch the whole opera, knowing she can speak Italian, just as her brother. 

The soprano sings the last lines:

> _I gave jewels to the Madonna's mantle_   
>  _and I gave my singing to the stars in heaven_   
>  _which then shined more beautifully_   
>  _In my hour of sorrow_   
>  _why, why, Lord_   
>  _oh, why do you repay me so?_

Then, only then Morgana starts to cry, thinking that yes, before she was innocent and didn't deserve to suffer, just as Tosca. But now that she has taken her revenge, she feels nothing but utterly miserable.   
When Morgana first met Merlin, she joked about not liking being betrayed, but Merlin doesn't deserve what she has done to him. 

Morgana takes out her phone and books a room in a cheap B&B to spare money, since she can't go back to Merlin's, she for sure still isn't accepted by Uther - and Arthur now- and can't stay by Gwen, since she lives with Merlin's best friend, and Gwen looked so angry with her.

So, Morgana sends a message to Freya, asking her if she could help her to bring some of her clothes from Gaius' house to that destination, when she has time. Morgana doesn't expect Freya to answer. To be honest she doesn't know if she even deserves an answer, but not too much later, she gets a cold "OK". 

* * *

Luckily, the Bed and Breakfast isn't as bad as Morgana thought it would be. She has her own room, even if she has to spare the bathroom with the other guests, mostly tourists, but that's not a problem anymore. It isn't even far from the city centre and from Freya's flat, so she won't have any problem returning home.

"Miss Morgana, there's a visit for you. A girl named Freya says she has brought your things." The old lady owning the place tells her from behind the bedroom door. 

Morgana looks at herself in the mirror, she's a mess since she couldn't change herself from that dress nor comb her hair. She doesn't even try to look presentable anymore and goes to welcome Freya in her new accommodation. 

Freya gets in the room, still undoubtedly furious with Morgana, but then she notices her bloodstained bandaged hand and asks what happened, with a little concern on her voice.

Morgana can't lie, not anymore.  
"I punched on a mirror in one of the auditorium's loos, because I couldn't stand to look at myself." She says, making a totally fake smile and not watching at her.  
"Does it still hurt?" Freya asks.   
"A little, but I deserve it. I only hope the cut doesn't get infected." Morgana shrugs and continues to put away her clothes in the dresser in front of the bed.

Freya looks taken aback from Morgana's behaviour, and she softens her gaze. "I can watch it for you, before I go. I did a first aid course back in high school."  
Morgana only drops her shoulders and sits at the end of the bed and unfolds the bandage. Freya takes her hand, gives it a quick look and says: "You're lucky there aren't any glass splinters in your skin and that the cut isn't deep. You should bandage with something better than toilet paper though."  
"I don't have anything else here." Morgana says defeated. Freya takes a deep breath and says: "Just wait here. I'll be back in a minute."

Morgana finishes putting away her things while she waits for Freya, wishing for this damned day to end. She hasn't even the power to put on some background music on her phone or to watch something on the obsolete CRT TV that there's on her room to feel less lonely.

She goes to the bathroom to brush her teeth, remove her makeup and comb her hair.   
When Freya returns, she finds Morgana sitting in the same spot where she was left, wearing a soft pair of grey sleeping trousers and an oversized and ragged t-shirt that she has stolen from her brother years ago, looking at everything and nothing in a spot on the floor. Freya sits beside her then, and Morgana watches her taking out a gauze, an antiseptic and one tube of cicatrizant.

Morgana can't take her eyes off Freya, and she doesn't even feel pain or stinging because she is too intent on looking at her brown doe eyes, while she cautiously tends her wounded hand, biting her lower lip for the concentration. _She's so beautiful and loving_ , Morgana thinks so loudly in her head she might believe someone could hear her.

"Done. Your hand will be fine in a few days, no worries. Just keep your bandage and wound clean twice a day and hopefully there will be no scars". Freya says, still looking at Morgana's hand and making little circles with her thumb on the gauze.  
"Thank you so much for everything." Morgana says. "You really didn't need to do all this after what I did today."  
"Stop it." Freya says, holding her hand up. "Yes, you acted like a bitch this afternoon and at first I thought I was doing this just for Merlin's sake. I owe him a favour, he's a dear friend and I know him enough to say that he's more worried sick about you now than hurt from your words. He's just too proud to say that. You know... If you two had a baby or he and Arthur got married, you would make the most stubborn family in the whole universe. Sundays dinners would be a total mess."

They both laugh a little and then Freya looks right into Morgana's eyes. "But... Seeing you like this tonight made me realize a thing."  
"What?" Morgana says, curious and afraid at the same time.   
"That you're only human, and you bleed when you fall down."  
"Are you quoting [Christina Perri](https://youtu.be/r5yaoMjaAmE) to me?" Morgana says laughing, incredulously. "And why are you still so kind to me?"

Freya doesn't hesitate and says: "What I'm trying to tell you is that, even after Gwaine's party, you always acted like a perfect woman; always elegant, always polite, always so _damned_ gorgeous. But you're not an unbreakable diamond, you're a crystal glass instead: beautiful and capable of making the mellowest sounds, but still unbelievably fragile... I-I'm still a little offended by your behaviour... but I know you have a kind and compassionate heart. Jesus, you cried watching the news about the umpteenth sunken barge full of children in the Mediterranean just not even a month ago!" Morgana's throat has gone dry and her eyes are filling with tears. "You deserve better. You deserve a second chance, and I'm here to offer you that. You will apologize and make it up for the hurt you've caused, are we clear?" Freya finally says, smiling but still serious about what she's just said.

Morgana throws herself onto Freya's in a long and breathtaking embrace and whispers a "thank you" and sniffing sometimes.

* * *

* * *

Freya breaks the embrace at one point and dries Morgana's tears with her thumbs, then she kisses her.

Morgana's eyes widen for the shock, but then she relents and returns the kiss with a renewed vigor, cupping Freya's cheeks, deepening the kiss by parting her lips to taste her with the tongue. Freya moans at that as a hint for Morgana to take things further, _but..._ "Aren't we rushing in?" she asks between the kisses.

Freya starts to kiss her neck and stops only to say: "I'm only human too" and starts to touch Morgana's tights, making her tremble a little. She's also starting to feel... wet. It almost never happened when she's done it with a man before, and she is liking every moment of it, even if she feels a little embarrassed. Freya must have noticed that and stops what she's doing, leaving Morgana startled. "We don't have to do it, if you don't want to. I'm sorry if I... I..." She says, moving away.  
"No, no! I want to! It's just... You know... I don't know how to do it." Morgana says and begins to kiss her again. She starts to explore, just as Freya did, and slips her good hand under Freya's shirt and loosing her bra. Freya grins wide and whispers in her ear: "Oh, I think you know exactly what you're doing".  
"Not everything. You'll have to teach me." Morgana says languidly.  
So, they undress each other completely and Freya notices the tattoo covering on her left forearm and asks, shyly: "Can I see it?".  
"You know, I used to cover it with foundation too. But since you showed me yours I stopped, so I think I owe it to you." Morgana says and takes off the patch. Freya's eyes widens with understanding, probably remembering Merlin's words and starts to kiss it. "It's wonderful" She says in awe. "You're one to talk" Morgana founds the courage to tell her.

At that, Freya pins her down on the mattress and starts to kiss her way down Morgana's stomach to her inner tights and _there._ Just the light touch of Freya's lips on her pussy, make her whimper and her legs shake. That is completely new, and what's new is also that now, out of all times, she fully understands that stupid song by Christina Aguilera and that if she changes the subject from _man_ to _woman,_ well... It suits Freya PERFECTLY!  
"What are you thinking about?" Freya asks, watching her from beneath her legs. Morgana reddens and says: "Just that you're my [Candyman](https://youtu.be/-ScjucUV8v0)". Freya laughs out loud, making Morgana smile in return, and then she returns to her "occupation".  
It doesn't take long for Morgana to let out a loud gasp and moan that makes her toes curl and her back arc. "What was that???" Morgana asks in wonder and Freya looks shocked.  
"You've never had an orgasm, have you?" She asks, wide-eyed. _So, that's what all the fuss about sex was!_ And she has never understood it until now. So, Morgana only shakes her head.

Freya comes to lay near Morgana and kisses her gently, making her taste her own bitter fluids.  
Morgana still feels dizzy for the aftermath of her first real climax, but she asks: "Should I do the same to you?".  
"Only if you want to. I like it also with hands though, just like when you do it solo" Freya says with a wry smile.  
Morgana knows how to do this at least, she has tried it on herself sometimes, but it never felt right, since she refused to admit what was that turned her on. So, she kisses Freya again and on her neck, sucking bruises and tentatively touching her nipples and slowly going downward with her good hand and cups her ass.  
"Y-you know... I-I start to think you were lying to me when you said you don't know how to do it."  
"It's not really different from what I did with men." Morgana says smiling and returning to kiss her. Then she starts to touch her, making small circles that makes Freya moan a little. Then, she puts a finger inside her, still keeping rotating her hand. It's only when she speeds up and insert a second finger, using the thumb to stimulate her. Freya starts to make sweet high-pitched noises until she comes too. If that's even possible, that makes Morgana more turned on than ever.

* * *

* * *

They dress up and both goes to the bathroom to clean themselves up. Once they're in Morgana's room again, and they acknowledge what they've done, there's an embarrassing silence between them.  
"So..." Freya says, swinging to the points of her toes and back like a shy but _cute_ child. Morgana has only this time to be brave, or she will lose the moment forever, so she asks: "Will you stay for the night?"  
"I don't know... I don't think it's allowed anyway." She answers, looking away. Morgana's heart sinks. _Did she really want to cuddle after sex or was it because she has got so used to sleep with someone in her bed that she doesn't want to be alone? Or... Is it because she wants Freya to stay, maybe for like forever?_  
"Oh..." Morgana says with a shattered breath and cross her arms on her breast. "You don't have to. It's only because it's late and... And..."  
"I could still sneak out before breakfast time, so the innkeeper wouldn't have the time to say anything." Freya says, tugging at Morgana's arm making her smile brightly for the relief.

Waking up warm and in Freya's arms could be considered one of the best feelings in the world. She's never slept that well in her whole life, neither when she was with Merlin, her dreams always full of nightmares due to anxiety and psychosomatic attacks that would have woken her up with itches all around her body with no apparent reason. Luckily Merlin wouldn't wake up even if there was a bomb exploding outside the house. But tonight she has finally slept well, no nightmares, nor anything else. 

Morgana takes this opportunity to look at how beautiful Freya looks while sleeping, even with messy hair splayed on the cushions. With one hand under her face she looks almost like a sleepy kitten, but the rising sun coming from the window makes her look like a fallen angel.  
Morgana doesn't resist to adjust Freya's fringe on her forehead and kisses her on her nose and under her eyes. Freya wakes up making an annoyed sound but when she sees Morgana she smiles brightly.  
"Good morning!" Freya says, voice hoarse for the sleep.  
"Good morning indeed." Morgana replies, caressing her.  
"Shame I have to go..." Freya says and hides her face on the cushion.  
"Do you?" Morgana teases, but she knows she can't stay.

Morgana helps Freya preparing herself, and they go outside the Bed and Breakfast together. Apparently neither of them wants to leave soon, so she kisses her a long goodbye.

But what on earth could happen when you kiss a girl in the streets, in the crack of the morning and no one's there except some early birds who jog on the street? Nothing. Except that one of those joggers is no one else than Leon, who sees them and stops running all of a sudden.

"You two are sick." He shouts angrily.  
"Excuse me?!" Freya turns to look at him and what was an offended look turns into fear.  
"You know what I mean. I'm no homophobe, but what the hell? Did you make that whole thing up yesterday to be left alone? Outing Merlin in front of everyone, and making one of my best friend hurt in a way I've never seen him, just to keep your little secret safe?" Leon words cut like a knife and _damn_ he's not that wrong.  
"It's not that way. I can explain." Morgana says pleading.  
"You better have some good explanation." He says, still furious.  
"Let me just put on some normal clothes, and I'll explain everything while we eat breakfast somewhere else." She says and goes back inside defeated.

* * *

They go to a little coffee shop nearby and sit in a corner to eat their breakfast, Leon still looking at them like he would bite at any moment.

Morgana tells him everything: how the faking dating Merlin thing begun in the first place; how she started to care about him in a way she didn't think it was possible; how much she hates herself but also how Merlin and Freya helped her to accept it.

"What I did yesterday, it wasn't me. Well... It was me, but I was out of my mind. I've never pushed myself under all that stress and Merlin too. I was literally sleep walking into that auditorium and I just exploded, like a dormant volcano."  
Leon puts his cup on the table and takes a sharp breath. "I think you should apologize to Merlin and Arthur first and then tell the others what you told me, if you don't want to end up alone." He says finally.  
"That's what I told her yesterday before we took things much further than we should have." Freya says, and Morgana can't help but feeling like she was going to puke. _Does Freya already regret it? But she's right.._. They only flirted a couple of times, they weren't even close friends like Merlin and Arthur.

She swallows and says, her voice shaky but earnest: "I would, but I'm scared and afraid that they won't listen to me."  
"Scared of what? Of showing your true self as a normal human being who makes mistakes but knows when to ask for forgiveness, and not as Uther's emotionless daughter? You know Arthur's that way too, and for Merlin… I've never seen a man so devoted to someone as he is to you and your brother. He might be stubborn, but he's the sweetest person I know, so you might start to speak with him. Then you'll have enough experience to deal with your brother."

Leon was never a close friend of her, and they've never talked much, but right now it is like he sees right through her and at this point of her life, Morgana can't do anything but smile at him and say: "You're a good friend."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally did it. I posted this chapter and I am so, so proud of it. This chapter took me a long time to write it, but I find it one of the best ones. It has no grammar errors (I think) and the plot is everything. Hope you have enjoyed it and I can't wait to hear from you.
> 
> For those who hasn't seen The Emperor's New Groove, the scene where "Morgana starts to act like Kronk" is [this](https://youtu.be/RseLZ9LqQv0) one.


	14. Pride and Prejudice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The hedgehog sticker refers to the fact that this cute little animal curls himself in a stingy ball when attacked.

* * *

**PRIDE AND PREJUDICE**

_Merlin_ 🦔

* * *

Merlin always thought that moving to London was his best idea, that he had found amazing friends and all that in just a few months. 

After Morgana's rant, all he realized was that he was falling down the rabbit hole this whole time instead: he was heading towards a troubling and surreal situation, where the ones that he cared the most about turned out to be totally different people.

The worst part is that Merlin was _happy_ to be part of that silly masquerade, and to be honest, he probably still would be. He's never felt so accepted and loved in his life, even though he was hiding a huge part of himself to his friends. _But even the best of friends can have secrets, right?_  
Merlin didn't always say everything to Will, although he didn't really need to because every time Will would have found out what Merlin was hiding. Sometimes they also joked about the fact that Will would have had a wonderful career as an interrogator, but they agreed that it would only work on Merlin since he's almost an open book. Honestly, Merlin is the most blatant person ever and how his new friends never noticed anything "wrong" with him, is a wonder. Maybe, they just didn't want to see, to keep up pretending on being normal instead of a dysfunctional pair of weirdos.

Lance was the only one who understood Merlin and was honest with him, and perhaps Merlin shouldn't have said anything to Morgana: not that he's gay, not that Arthur kissed him and not that he was certainly his soulmate. He should have confided in Lance instead. They were beginning to be close after all, even if Lance hadn't told him anything about his affair with Gwen.  
However, for Merlin it was so easy to trust Morgana. She was like the sister he's never had and Morgana showed him things that she still hides from her actual brother.

Merlin also isn't the type of person who has prejudices against other people, it would be hypocritical of him. By all means, it is only that Merlin lacks of any self-preservation instinct, and he told a "stranger" his most private thoughts, without fear of being betrayed.

People with a bare minimum of IQ would also ask Merlin why on earth would he still care about said stranger who backstabbed him in front of everyone, especially Arthur? Nonetheless, Merlin arrived at home with Will only trying to be the supporting best mate, and after hearing him grumble about "that absolute cow" who hurt him for hours and the apparent disappearance of his friends, the only thing Merlin could unspeakably do was to swallow a bit of pride and to spare a thought for Morgana.

She was right in a way, and if he didn't forget to pay that stupid fee, all this wouldn't have happened, so it was always Merlin's fault. It was on him if he trusted the wrong person; it was on him if she couldn't play because he was being selfish for the first time; it was on him if she outed him when she was obviously in a blind rage; it was on him if Morgana was most probably homeless right now.

His pride and stubbornness resurged instantly when Freya came to pick Morgana's clothes up to bring her. It wasn't because she was helping her, in fact Freya was visibly livid and mad with her when she asked Merlin his permission to come by. The cause was that, while Freya was packing Morgana's things, she was also ranting on her behaviour and she let slip that she knew _everything_ about their fake dating all along but didn't say a word. So first, Merlin wasn't the only person, which Morgana confided into apparently. And second, _were his friends real at all? Were they having fun about him behind his back?_ That didn't seem plausible to him at first, but in the auditorium Merlin was too shocked to see his "friends" reaction, but no one except Will and Freya took fully his side.

Of course, he couldn't blame Arthur nor Lance, since Arthur is his soulmate and the most oblivious person Merlin has ever met. It was most probably that Arthur was feeling deceived all the same, and that Lance simply didn't know what to say. _But, what about the others?_

That night even Gaius didn't talk to Merlin, maybe because the old man wasn't interested in all the teenage drama - even if they were no longer teenagers - that was going on there, but was too worried about Morgana's fate: she became part of their weird family after all. 

Merlin was physically and mentally exhausted, so he decided that this was now his time to take care of himself first and forget about the others, since they seemed to be perfectly fine without him. He had also stressed himself out because he didn't want to neglect his studies while he was so invested in maintaining a better social life than he had back in Ealdor, so maybe this was an alarm signal for him to take a break and focus on the only important thing: getting his degree.

Come to think of it, Merlin had never socialized with his classmates even though some of them tried to get close to him. Especially a nice girl called Sefa, who always sat with him during the Romance Philology classes and seemed to be interested in him. Obviously, now it was impossible to pretend to be straight and dating the most beautiful girl on campus. He will have to embrace the fact that he was gay and nothing was going to change that and hiding wasn't an option anymore, since it did no good to him.

Determined to "take care" of himself, Merlin sent a last message to Will saying that he wouldn't use his phone nor any social media anymore, so if he wanted to see him he could always come to Gaius' house, specifically alone. Then he turned off his mobile for what he decided it would be _forever_ \- or at least until he felt better - and to use Gaius' landline phone to call his mum every once in a while. He took out also his watch with a rainbow strap that Will gave him when he came out, and he stopped using after that gay bashing, so he could see the time and not be "mistaken" as a straight single guy and hopefully everyone would leave him in peace.

Merlin went to bed then, bracing himself for what his life was going to be from now on: all study and sometimes playing the piano. So, he would surely not fail anyone and no one would hurt him anymore. But Merlin couldn't forgive himself if he didn't do something first, even if he's going to regret this.

* * *

The first thing Merlin does when he wakes up the next day is opening his laptop and searching the Internet to find where the Pendragon Enterprise and Uther's office are located. Perhaps you're asking why would Merlin go to the lion's den, without any protection and without warn anyone about his plan? Well, the reason is that even if Merlin is still mad at Morgana, he couldn't just leave her in the streets just because they had a quarrel. Gaius wouldn't forgive him that too, so the least he could do is trying to speak to Uther and make sure that he would take Morgana back. After all, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. So, if his plan doesn't work well at least he would have his conscience clean, more or less.

He reads also some useless articles online about how to deal with intimidating people. Not that Merlin is a coward or isn't capable of standing up for himself, but the only times he has done that he was furious and to be honest, you need to see Uther just one time to be scared by him.   
So, Merlin puts his best clothes on to look presentable at any rate in an environment filled with posh and elegant people - Uther himself wouldn't listen to him if Merlin would appear in old and ragged clothes - and goes to the address he's found online.

The building is huge, a castle with a maze of stairs and corridors and deliberately made for people to get lost. Annis, the terrifying secretary, resolutely told Merlin that Uther doesn't receive visitors unless they have an appointment, that he's busy and in an endless conference just to dismiss him. Merlin played all his cards with her to let him in, he smiled, he faked flirting, but that didn't work since she's obviously way older than him, married and not easily impressed. What did the trick, was mentioning Arthur and Morgana and that it was of vital importance for them that he could talk to him. At that, she looked taken aback, letting Merlin see that there aren't many people on this office concerned about the boss' family issue, but she's one of them. So, she told him how to get in Uther's office and if he had time to wait for the conference to be over, he could stay in there before Uther could see him and kick him out or have the time to call the guards. But as said, the building is immense and Merlin fears he wouldn't get there in time and starts to run hoping not to sweat too much, at least since he's more in shape than ever he knows he will not be out of breath, and he will probably only stink as a pig and look as a fool with sweat stains in the armpits. 

By some miracle Merlin reaches Uther's office and the owner is still not there. Annis wasn't joking when she said Uther would have called his "guards" to kick him out though, and a man with the arms huge as Merlin's legs combined blocks his way to the office. Who knows what Uther hides in his office, if he needs guards to protect it. Maybe it is a ludicrous amount of money he earned by his traffic of weaponry. 

"Where do you think you're going to, kiddo?" The huge man asks with a low and rusty voice that reminds Merlin of Darth Vader. "I'm here to speak to Mr. Uther, sir." Merlin says, trying to be the most polite and to look unsuspicious as possible. "I've got an appointment with him after his conference."  
"I wasn't informed of any appointments today. What's your name?" The guard asks, crossing his arms concerned and making them look even bigger.   
"An urgency came up, and I'm here to speak with him about family issues. I hope you'll understand, sir. You could ask Mrs. Annis if you don't believe me." Merlin says seriously and avoiding telling him his name, or the man wouldn't let him in, even if the apocalypse was going to happen. The guard frowns and glances at him as if he were the oddest person he's ever seen.  
"I'm part of his family and Uther hasn't told me anything. You must be careful with what you say, boy, or I will kick you out from that very window, and we're on the eleventh floor. Your landing will not be pleasant. What happened?" The guard eventually says, looking as he could be in the middle of a pyre and not burning at all. Merlin starts to tremble a little and checks his memory of Arthur's family tree to find out who this man could be. 

For all Merlin knows through Morgana's tales and sometimes Arthur's, they aren't close to Morgana's side of the family except for her cousin Morgause, since her mother left Uther and her to move to the States to find a better life on her own, so he couldn't come from that. They've never mentioned grandparents either, but he's too young to be one of them, so that it couldn't be. Uther has got also no siblings as Arthur once mentioned, but Morgana always talked about a "bastard of an uncle" who used to mock her and blamed Uther for Ygraine's death. This means he couldn't be him, but it doesn't exclude the existence of another brother of Ygraine.

"I'm Morgana's friend. I pretended to be her boyfriend to teach her playing piano and when Uther found it out, he almost disowned her. She lived with me for the past few months, but yesterday we had a fight, and now I don't know where she is. I know she's not Ygraine's daughter, but she would hunt me down from her grave if she's in danger, so I'm here to knock some sense in her father." Merlin says in one breath, being careful to mention Uther's dead wife's name. When the guard's eyes widen in shock, Merlin is certain that he wasn't named after the most powerful sorcerer ever because he could do actual magic, pulling the strings as he pleases with just the power of his words or music.  
The man lets him enter and Merlin smiles to him, just in case. "Thank you, sir. I'll never forget that."  
"You can call me Tristan. Make it quick and call me if you need help from Uther." He answers, and then actually winks leaving him alone inside the office. 

Merlin resists the urge to poke around the office and to open every drawer, or to find a hidden safety box behind a book or binder that are on the obviously enormous bookshelf behind the solid wooden desk and leather chair. So, he sits on Uther's spot because there aren't any other chairs, since this place was built for him alone and the only visitors would have most probably been received in another room.  
As Merlin sits down, he notices a silver frame with a picture he's never seen before. It isn't an old styled photograph, with the resemblance of one of those paintings the noble families used to commission.  
Uther is instead sitting on a bench in a park, wearing a normal clothes and smiling at the small toddler sitting in his lap with curly blonde hair that reminds him of a [cherub from Raphael](https://images.app.goo.gl/rBLeDCQjQVLEQEGj8), and that must be Arthur. On his left side there's a little girl in a white dress and a blue satin sash and long black hair that must be Morgana. Her look was serious while reading a book sitting on the grass, but that didn't take away any of her grace. And then there's a beautiful blonde woman in front of the bench, busy with laying out a wide chequered tablecloth for what could be a picnic, and all Merlin could think about was that she must have looked stunning on stage wearing a historical costume and singing. _Pity not to have any recordings of her singing voice_.  
The fact that Uther hides all pictures of her family in the manor, but keeps this particular one in his private office must mean something.

Merlin takes out his laptop from his bag and opens it on the desk, since he promised not to use his phone, and patiently waits for Uther to arrive. Luckily it didn't take long before the figure of an utterly angered man in a suit appeared in front of him.  
"How did you get in here?" Uther says with blood in his eyes.   
"Magic, sir." Merlin jokes, but then adds: "No seriously, it was Annis and your lovely guard Tristan."  
"I thought I was perfectly clear when I said I didn't want to see you ever again, not to mention in my private office. If you put your filthy fingers on anything here or if you've stolen something I'll have you locked up in the Tower. I have got contacts there. Then I'll make sure to fire both Annis and Tristan for this." Uther snaps.  
"Technically sir, you didn't ban me from here, and you've never said we couldn't see each other ever again with these exact words. Then, you know, _verba volant_... so, I'm not actually doing anything wrong. If you're afraid of me stealing you can check my bag and frisk me after I'm done talking with you" Merlin says trying to be both polite - even if Uther doesn't deserve it from him - and not to show his nervousness in the slightest. "And you wouldn't sack your best guard and secretary for me convincing them I'm here in good terms."  
"So, what do you want?" Uther says putting both his hands on his working table and looking at Merlin straight in the eyes. If Merlin swallowed audibly, that wasn't his fault.  
"I'm here to show you a video." He says and then takes a deep breath.  
"A video. You came here all this way to show _me_ a video." Uther says and straightens his back, laughing both amused and mocking at the same time. _God, that's where Arthur took his attitude!_  
"A video of Morgana playing the piano at Christmas." Merlin says opening the video Will sent to him that day.  
"I will not do it. Now get out of here". Uther says going to open the door for him.   
"Unfortunately, I won't take a no for an answer. I'm not your employee, and you can't fire me or whatever and if you didn't care about Morgana even a little you wouldn't have kept this photo on your desk". Merlin says without watching him in the eyes and presses play. 

"I could still accuse of ..." Uther was going to say _trespassing,_ but the soft voice of Morgana singing and the sound of the piano coming from Merlin laptop catches his attention and goes to see the video at Merlin's side. When the video ends, Uther asks with a raw voice and going away to look absently outside the window: "You've proved your point. What do you want now?"  
"Yesterday there was the exhibition we invited you to, but you didn't come." Merlin says starting to tremble at the memory of it. "Unfortunately she couldn't play by my fault. We had a fight and we broke up. Not that we were really dating, but..."   
"You weren't?" Uther interrupts shocked.   
"You see, we said that to Arthur to hide the fact I was teaching her how to play. But then he found out, and we kept up our farce because it was convenient for both of us. You see I am gay, and she is a lesbian." Uther actually seems to suffer a stroke at that realization, so Merlin adds: "I'm telling you this because I know you didn't care when you found out about Arthur and the only things Morgana wants in her life is being loved. Anyway, long story short she isn't staying by mine, we will never talk to each other ever again after that fight, and I would like for her to be neither homeless nor without her family because of me."

Uther dries sweat from his face with a tissue then. "You are awfully loyal to my family and I don't know why." He says watching him again.  
"Loyal isn't the word I would use sir. But even though it's over, I loved your children and I don't want anything bad to happen to them. So, I'll never see them again, even if Arthur's my soulmate, and I'm asking you to speak to Morgana, make peace and find an agreement." Merlin admits finally.   
"Arthur is your what?" Uther shouts then again, putting his hands to his head as if Merlin caused him the worst of headaches, and that could be the cause of the sudden loss of all his hair.   
"You heard me. The fact is that, for their sake and mine too I'm not choosing him, and I'm leaving Morgana to her business, since she seems to hate me even if I did everything in my power to save her." Merlin says trying so hard not to cry in front of Uther.

They remain in silence for a while.   
"I really should get going. I skipped my morning lectures to come here, but I still want to go to the library if you don't mind. I hope you will be able to help her since I couldn't." Merlin then says and starts to leave when Uther stops him by saying: "I'll show you mine if you show me yours."  
"Your what, sir?"  
"Your soulmate tattoo. I need to see it if you want me to believe at every nonsense you've said." Uther says watching him sternly.  
"And why would you show me yours?" Merlin asks confused. "I don't think I deserve such faith after everything I've done."  
"No, you don't deserve it. You'll understand when you'll see it, if you were honest."

Merlin takes up his sleeve frowning and shows Uther his Knights of Wands tarot card, wishing he would understand without any further explanations because Merlin's heart couldn't survive after any more breaks.  
Uther might be many things, but he's not stupid at all, and he only nods in understanding. He then takes up his right sleeve to show him a treble and a bass clef right where the pulse veins are, as to mean that music would run in his blood forever. No wonder why the loss of his wife was so hard for him to bear.

Merlin smiles a bit, and then says laughing:  
"Denial isn't the only river in Egypt. Talk to her. No, talk to them both."  
"I don't know... I'm not ready." Uther says and goes to his desk without watching him.   
"You'll never be if you don't try. Whatever you'll do, isn't any of my business anymore so suits yourself. Goodbye sir." Merlin finishes and goes away.

* * *

After that day, a whole month passes in a blink and Merlin follows his plan religiously. He wakes up at 6 am to jog a little as he was used to doing with Arthur. He then takes his breakfast and gets ready for his lectures. Then Merlin eats his takeaway lunch and stays in a library out of town until 6pm. Eventually, he comes back home, he cooks dinner for him and Gaius, he plays the piano, he prepares himself for the following day, and finally, he goes to sleep. Easy. 

Merlin does all that, without _never, ever,_ thinking about Arthur or Morgana. Not. Even. Once. Nor about the book club or if his former friends were sparing a thought for him. Well, maybe Merlin sometimes does it, especially when he's sitting alone in one of the back seats of the train, hands beneath his crossed legs, looking at nothing outside the windows and wondering a little about how his life has become so dull. No one has harassed him for being gay still, and that's a good start, but no one has tried to approach him either. All right, all right, Merlin is pushing people away on purpose, but this doesn't mean that he should appear this repulsive. Even Kilgarrah and Aithusa started to ignore him, perhaps sensing his rejective attitude and only letting him pet them when they feel he's actually sad and lonely. 

Merlin would also always deny the fact that he thinks all the time about Morgana when he wakes up alone in his cold bed that used to be theirs, warmed only by the little white cat, and praying she's doing well, that Uther heard him and put a hand on his heart, so that she's not living under a bridge alongside drug dealers. Hopefully, one of her friends found a place on their couch, but anyway Merlin just couldn't stop worrying. That leaves him with a knot in his stomach that he can only get rid of by running, but then he would think about Arthur. About those bright blue eyes that used to be the centre of Merlin's world, but now he would never see again, and about Arthur's muscles when they ran together, all tight and sweat, that leaves him eager and wanton for the rest of the Morning. Of course Merlin would also remember Arthur's _stupid_ big heart and Ygraine's turntable that Merlin put on his commode, to only touch it as it would help him fall asleep. Arthur was also a right _prat,_ and that isn't forgotten but... He is his soulmate, and Merlin likes that part of him too even if he pretended to be annoyed by that.

Merlin hasn't checked his phone since _that_ day, but he's fairly certain that no one has tried to contact him. _Why would they?_ Especially when he has specifically told overprotective Will that he will not use his phone anymore. So, if his friend were real at all they would have forgotten him by now, or they would have showed up in some way. _Right? Right._  
Hence, Merlin convinces himself that they weren't his friends at all after a month of total silence. And about Arthur... proud as he is, he wouldn't contact Merlin first, and then he would find someone better than him as his soulmate. Someone who isn't a failure that left his sister on the streets and ran away after their first kiss, even if he had good explanations.

Today, Merlin lingers without honour in this self-pity just in time to come into the kitchen for his usual dinner cooking, but fails miserably to feign nonchalance in front of Gaius when he sees him sitting at the table with no one else than Gwaine.

"What are you doing here?" Merlin snaps, perhaps too bitterly, since he didn't even say hello. Gaius and Gwaine were drinking tea, but they stop as they see Merlin, and they aren't shocked nor offended in the slightest by his attitude.  
"Always a pleasure to see you, Merlin!"  
Gwaine says, putting down his cup of tea and smiling wryly.

Merlin has never had the opportunity to give a proper look at Gwaine alone, since he's always surrounded by customers or their "friends", so now he has the time to acknowledge the fact that the man is rather handsome. His is not a Greek God beauty like Arthur's if we don't consider his slightly crooked tooth that makes him more human, nor is a Hispanic Movie Star one like Lance's - _yes_ , Merlin saw that too but didn't want to comment on it, since Merlin's stupid mind was always full of Arthur - but his long dark hair and his beard gives him an elegant and a mysterious-looking man halo, in total contrast with Gwaine's easy smile and funny banter. But that's all pointless. It doesn't do Merlin any good to dwell on romantic dreams that simply cannot be. No matter how gorgeous a man could be, Merlin can't simply ask someone out for various reasons: first, Gwaine is engaged with Elena even if he doesn't look completely straight as he flirts with every moving thing; second Gwaine was one of his friends and Merlin is still mad at him; and last he had actually met his soulmate and screwed up. So, Merlin just isn't meant to fall in love. 

"I didn't know you were close to Gaius. I'll leave you to your business then. Sorry." Merlin says holding his hands up in an apology and retreating to go back to his bedroom.  
"Actually, we were waiting for you." Gwaine says and Merlin jokes.  
"I don't give secret piano lessons anymore, Gwaine. I'm sorry."   
"You're sorry for the wrong reason, though." Gwaine says seriously, for the first time Merlin has ever seen him doing.   
"What are you talking about?" Merlin says wrong-footed.   
"We've been trying to contact you for a whole month, Merlin. We came here, but no one has ever answered, we looked for you throughout the Campus, but we had never been able to find you, and then we eventually got a little tired. Where have you been? Where the hell is your phone?"  
Merlin shrugs and goes to the fridge to choose what to cook for dinner and absently asks: "If you were tired of me ignoring you, then why are you here?"  
"I thought we were friends." Gwaine says defeated.   
"I thought that too." Merlin replies angrily and throwing the food on the kitchen table.   
"Merlin!" Gaius scolds him, but he ignores that completely and continues to pretend to try to cook dinner.   
"What is that supposed to mean? Why haven't you read any of our messages or picked any of our calls up?"   
"That is supposed to mean that all of you knew I was gay and never said a word. I know that because Freya knew it apparently and Lance saw it too since from the very beginning, so there's no way you didn't know. Friends don't lie to each other's faces for then going back home and laugh behind their back." Merlin shouts, putting down the knife he was using to cut some aubergines.  
"Is this what you think of us? And weren't you the first one that lied to us?" Gwaine asks, abruptly standing from his seat and making the table dangerously shake.   
"I was doing that for what I thought was a good cause. You know I would have outed myself ages ago, if it wasn't for Morgana, but I've been burned too many times for fucks sake." Merlin says, pinching the bridge of his nose to control himself from crying.   
"What does Morgana have anything to do with this? Why did she accept to hide your homosexuality?" Gwaine asks, crossing his arms and looking almost mockingly.  
"I will not say that. It's not my secret to say, and you just have to ask Morgana." Merlin says because he doesn't want to out her just as she did with him. It wouldn't be fair and Merlin is still damned loyal, and what he said to Uther had its purpose.

Gwaine relaxes his shoulders, then he goes to Merlin, he manhandles him to sit on a chair and sits next to him. Merlin only lets him doing it because he's too tired to fight. "You want to know why I'm here. Well, I'm not here for Arthur, the one who closed himself up and simply pretends you don't even exist, even if we are friends from a very long time ago. I'm here for you." He says and looks at Merlin earnestly. "And I'm here for you because I know the real reason why you were hiding, but still you don't want to take revenge on Morgana."  
"What do you mean by the real reason?" Merlin asks, his heart rate starting to speed up.   
"I mean that Leon saw Morgana kissing Freya the morning after that fight. He made her talk to us and look for you to apologize. She was staying in a bed and breakfast for a week, when she received a call from Uther who told her that you talked to him, that he forgave her, and she was welcome home if she wanted. She cried for the whole day since you wouldn't talk to her and went to stay on Leon's sofa bed because she wasn't ready to hear that from Uther. You know, I've known her for as long as I've known Arthur and I've never seen her like that. Obviously she's just as stubborn as her family and she got tired of trying to find you and went back pretending to be okay when she's clearly not. But I am not one who gives up easily and you, my friend, have the kindest heart I've ever seen in my life. So, here I am to try and find a way to get your head out of your arse, since Will is only overprotective for you and wouldn't see reasons." Gwaine finishes with a small smile and Merlin, who began to cry during his speech, shudders a laugh and puts his head on Gwaine's shoulder. 

Gwaine ends ups staying for dinner and the three of them talk about the news in their life. Merlin tells Gwaine everything, about how he felt betrayed and hurt for the umpteenth time, about how he couldn't stop worrying and love-hating Morgana and Arthur, about how much he missed their stupid book club that apparently disbanded as soon as it was clear that neither Merlin, nor Will, nor Arthur would have come to the meeting.

Gwaine in return tells him that Morgana and Freya aren't officially dating, even if Leon saw them together, and also that Gwen and Lance now can't take their hands off each other even in public. The others are well but dismissive, but on the other hand Arthur turned into a walking and talking robot. He basically retreated in his former little bubble, and now he barely greets people, he doesn't speak to Morgana even if he said they are fine after she apologized to him.

"Are you really in love with him?" Gwaine eventually asks Merlin and catching Gaius' attention. Merlin sighs and puts down his fork. "Doesn't matter anymore." He answers shrugging.  
"It matters a lot. I don't pretend to know how Arthur works, since we've never fully understood each other, and we parted ways a few years ago until you came around. But I know him enough to say that first he's not good with dealing with emotions. Thanks, Uther!" Gwaine says, sending a mocking kiss to the air. "Second, just as I've seen Morgana changed thanks to you, I've never seen Arthur more close to someone. What happened between the two of you?"  
Merlin doesn't think he is capable of telling that story again, so he says it monosyllabic and in short sentences. "I love him. I still do. He kissed me once. When he broke up with Gwen. I ran away 'cause of Morgana. I found out he's my soulmate. And I am too scared that nothing will come out of it."

Both Gwaine and Gaius look at him shocked and making Merlin face burn in embarrassment.  
"You are two right idiots!" Gwaine shouts.  
Gaius, who has barely said a word during the whole month because he was mad at Merlin and during the dinner because he was too interested in listening to Gwaine, speaks now.  
"Merlin, I won't pretend I wasn't mad because you wouldn't talk to me, and you kicked Morgana out without telling me."  
"I didn't kick her out!" Merlin interrupts him, feeling a little offended, since he says that even after Gwaine told him what he's done for Morgana.  
"Let me finish first! You younger generations simply don't know how to wait." Merlin shuts his mouth feeling ashamed a little. Gaius has a point. "I was saying, I was angry with you especially because you wouldn't talk to me. I'm a doctor, but I'm no psychologist nor a clairvoyant who can read your mind. Look at what you've done and all by yourself! It's no wonder you were under all that stress, but good communication is the basic for a relationship, that is whether it is between you and Arthur or you and me. You know that I see you as a son!"  
"I know, and I see you as a father myself." Merlin says, his voice so small and fragile.

Gaius hugs Merlin then, and lingers only a little more just to say: "Talk to him. You'll never know how he would react until you do it, and you know Arthur well enough to say that he will not take the first step."  
"You know, it's basically what I've told Uther to convince him." Merlin says, breaking the embrace and laughing.  
"Always thought you were smart, even if you act like an idiot sometimes as your friend eloquently said." Gwaine laughs at that and then asks: "You might be smart, but how do you know for sure he's your soulmate?"  
Merlin stiffens and gravely watches at Gaius and then at Gwaine. "You know how."  
"That's why you disappeared for a whole day after Arthur and Gwen's breakup?" Gwaine asks, eyes wide in realization. Merlin just nods.  
"Wasn't it a little impulsive?" Gaius asks frowning.  
"No. I had a whole night to think about it, and it wasn't a waste. It was quite instructive to be honest." Merlin answers shrugging.  
"So, why aren't you doing anything?" Gwaine asks perplexed.  
"Because he specifically said that _the secret lies behind the choice_. And then I just knew it. At that time Arthur was choosing me, and I was about to do the same, but then I screwed it all up, and he has better options than me. Gwaine, you have Elena and how did you know for sure she's your soulmate?" Gwaine lowers his gaze and just nods.

However, Gaius looks baffled. "I've never thought about it that way."  
"What do you mean?" Merlin asks curiously.   
"I mean that centuries ago, I had a relationship with a nice girl named Alice. She was a nurse and my tattoo is a stethoscope, but she didn't have one because she grew up in an unconventional family, even in our times. So, I thought she couldn't be my soulmate but in reality I choose my job. I chose to dedicate my life to my medical career, and I've never really regretted it." Gaius says, sitting down on his chair with a loud sound.   
"I didn't know that!" Merlin says. _Isn't it weird when you think to know almost everything about a person, but then you discover something completely unexpected about them?_

"No one knows. Uther does perhaps, but as his son he doesn't particularly pay attention." Gaius says, still shocked.

Before leaving, Gwaine _orders_ Merlin to talk to the others, at least to Freya, Leon, Gwen and Lance by texting them and telling ALL THE TRUTH. Arthur would be the most difficult to approach, so he recommends him to talk to him through Morgana. The fact is that Morgana is acting offended right now and the only way to get nearer to her is by coming in Gwaine's pub, where they have started to do Jam Sessions nights, so she could still play and sing sometimes. Merlin can't help but smile at the thought of Morgana finally playing and singing in front of an audience that wouldn't judge her because they are too drunk to pay much attention.

As he leaves, Merlin is knackered and goes to his room, but he picks up the courage to check his phone for the first time in a month. He received more than a hundred lost calls and an astounding amounts of messages, all of them saying: "Please, we are worried! Answer us", "I'm sorry", "It's Valentine's day, please answer me", "Where are you?" and something like that. As expected, Merlin didn't receive any call, message or email from Arthur but that doesn't make it less painful. _Who knows if he feels a wreck, the same as Merlin without even deserving it._

He does as Gwaine suggested and texts to Freya, Leon, Gwen and Lance - and Will too - and he goes to sleep with Aithusa finally cocooning on his belly, instead of sleeping at the bottom of the bed.

* * *

When he wakes up, Merlin doesn't expect the amount of love he received by his friends by messages, between all kinds of insults from them too for having disappeared. Will is still perplexed, but Merlin knows that his attitude wouldn't last long.   
He isn't also sure how to deal with the feeling of having been completely wrong about his friends. Merlin should be mad at himself for having treated them badly, but he's also so relieved and happy he might actually fly.

The days before the Jam Session night passes awfully slowly though, in Merlin's opinion. He looks forward to seeing Morgana in a painful kind of way. If he thinks about her words from that unforgettable day, Merlin could still be furious at her, but it was a stressful week, and he said something that could have cut her like a knife too. Then she's still the precious girl he's grown to love and that hasn't changed at all, so all Merlin wants to do now is hug her and never make her leave and telling her to beat him if he would turn to be an arse again, and he would be perfectly content like that. 

When the day come at last, he willingly avoids thinking about a possible rejection though, or he might throw up for the pressure. 

As he comes into the pub a pair of drunken and probably underage guys are jamming on a bass and a guitar and badly singing Stairway to Heaven, but there are no signs of Morgana to be seen.  
The "stage" is simply a carpet with all the instruments put in front of the big screen and where there was space, made by moving the tables and the chairs away.

Elena greets him with a tight hug and a loud kiss on the cheek. "I missed you!" She says still not letting him go. "I missed you too. I'm so sorry." He says, feeling like a jerk for not having texted her.   
"No need to apologize. Gwaine told me everything, darling." She says patting his back and then breaks the embrace. "Should I bring you want something to drink? A beer, perhaps?"  
"Yes, please. I think I might need it." Merlin half-heartedly jokes and sits at a table in a corner of the pub.

When Elena comes with his beer, Merlin asks: "Where did you get all that instruments? It must have cost a fortune."  
"Gwaine's family is pretty rich, that's how Arthur and him knew each other. But also the pub is making his little fortune and these Jam Session nights are bringing new customers, so it was kind of a good investment." Elena simply explains.   
"I've never thought of Gwaine being posh! He's nothing like Arthur or Morgana." Merlin says shocked.  
"He's an odd type my Gwaine, but I love him for that. He's the black sheep of his family, and that's why he doesn't talk about them that much." Elena replies, smiling probably at the thought of Gwaine in a suit... Oh no, that's why _Merlin_ is smiling like a loon.  
"Are you going to play tonight?" Elena asks. "You just have to go there when no one is playing or ask the others to join them as in a real jazz Jam session. No rules, just fun."  
Merlin considers it and thinks about recreating that [scene from The Green Book](https://9gag.com/gag/abr18qE) film and play Chopin's Étude op.25 and impress all those drunken dudes in the pub, but then he remembers why he's actually here and that classical music is not made for a simple keyboard. "Maybe another time." Merlin says and winks at Elena, and she leaves him alone.

Merlin is drinking his beer and absently looking at nothing in particular on his social media pages, without paying attention to the other people in the surrounding. The pub is crowded tonight and Elena was right, the Jam Session idea was a brilliant marketing strategy. Then he hears a male voice saying to keep their voices low because their song is quiet and then someone begins to play two acoustic guitars and there's the sound of an accordion in the background. From Merlin's seat, the crowd in the pub hides the view to the improvised stage, and he curses himself for having chosen the worst table in the whole pub. He is actually excited to hear something new, since Merlin doesn't really get out from his comfort zone, and it would be cool to play the guitar. It is said to attract a lot of girls and who knows if it works with gay blokes as well. Then he hears a familiar soft voice [singing](https://youtu.be/3IhI87arSAE).

> _Well, maybe I'm a crook for stealing your heart away_  
>  _And maybe I'm a crook for not caring for it_  
>  _Yeah, maybe I'm a bad, bad, bad... bad person_  
>  _Well, baby I know_  
>  _And these fingertips_  
>  _Will never run through your skin_  
>  _Those bright blue eyes_  
>  _Can't only meet mine across the room_  
>  _Filled with people that are less important than you_  
>  _'Cause you love, love, love_  
>  _When you know I can't love you._

Damn, Morgana's voice has improved drastically over the last month, maybe because she didn't have any piano where to practice. _Did she chose that song on purpose?_ It was beautiful, but it hurts like hell!

At the end of the song the crowd applauses and leaves a little space for Merlin to see Morgana with an older man at the accordion and two girls playing the guitars. Then Morgana says: "Thank you for listening. I'll play another song on the keyboard and the stage will be all yours after." She sits at the keyboard and just from the simple first chords Merlin remembers the song. It's [Back to Black](https://youtu.be/TJAfLE39ZZ8) by Amy Winehouse, and he knows that because Morgana was obsessed with her. Then she starts to sing again. 

> _He left no time to regret_  
>  _Kept his dick wet_  
>  _With his same old safe bet_  
>  _Me and my head high_  
>  _And my tears dry_  
>  _Get on without my guy_  
>  _You went back to what you knew_  
>  _So far removed_  
>  _From all that we went through_  
>  _And I tread a troubled track_  
>  _My odds are stacked_  
>  _I'll go back to black_  
>  _We only said goodbye with words_  
>  _I died a hundred times_  
>  _You go back to her_  
>  _And I go back to_  
>  _I go back to us_  
>  _I love you much_  
>  _It's not enough_  
>  _You love blow and I love puff_  
>  _And life is like a pipe_  
>  _And I'm a tiny penny_  
>  _Rolling up the walls inside._

At that Merlin can't take it any more, and stands up to go right in front of the stage where she could see him while she plays.

When she sees him, her voice shakes a little, but she continues to play until she finishes the song. Then she doesn't even care about her apparently new bandmates and about the applause, but runs outside the pub, so that Merlin is obliged to follow her.

Merlin finally reaches her and stops her from escaping.  
"Hi" He says shyly.  
"Hi... A whole month of disappearance and then you show up without warning and all you can say is hi? The hell, Merlin!!" She shouts starting to tremble in the freezing February evening, since she ran away without her jacket. It seems a habit of her, acting on impulse and forgetting things when she's mad, but Merlin isn't one who should speak about that. He offers her his jacket and simply says "I'm sorry" putting his fist on his mouth to stop any attempts of sobbing. _Christ, he really is too much emotional sometimes_.

"I missed you so much, you can't even imagine." Merlin manages to admit.  
"Well, of course you have." She answers bitterly, but accepting Merlin's jacket.  
"You're right. I'm not the one who sang two songs about me." Merlin jokes, to lighten up the atmosphere.  
"The World doesn't revolve around you, Merlin!" Morgana says laughing a little. "Those are two fantastic songs and the first one was picked by Alvarr, so he could play his accordion in an indie pop song."  
"Well, the world doesn't revolve around me obviously, but it well damned should because I'm perfect, and I don't make any mistakes. So, I'm absolutely _not_ here to apologize." Merlin says exaggerating with sarcasm. "I sang beautifully, though. Who are your two guitarists?" He says to change the subject.  
"Nimueh is one of my university colleagues, but we've never get close until you disappeared. And the other one is Kara, a nice girl we met here in one of our Jam sessions." Morgana says monotonically, as if her words have no meanings.  
"I'd like to meet them. They seem nice." Merlin says eventually.  
"Why are you here now, Merlin?" Morgana asks looking at the pavement, but also side glancing at Merlin.  
"Gwaine came, and I specifically quote his words, _to take my head out of my arse_. I guess he was right, and I was just being miserable instead of actually preventing any harm." He sighs.  
"Why did you talk to Uther, if you didn't want to see us anymore?" She asks frowning and fidgeting.  
"You know why..." Merlin answers and looks at her with the most hurt expression. He starts to shifts on his place and to shake tremendously, and he whispers in a probably too high-pitched voice: "Please forgive me."

Morgana then hugs him tightly and starts to kiss him all over his face making Merlin laugh, and she only stops to let him dry his tears.   
"You idiot, I am the one who should have apologized first! I'm so sorry for what I've said that day, by the way." She says, without hiding well she's touched too. "Let's get inside, or we'll die of hypothermia, and then you'll tell me everything. And maybe I'll let you meet my new band members."

"I'm looking forward to it." Merlin says at the end, so relieved and as if his life depends on it, he doesn't let her hand go and follows her back inside the pub. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry if it took this long for me to upload this new chapter, but it was hard as hell to write it. I didn't have any good ideas at first, then I had personal issues again and now here we are. I'm not particularly proud of this chapter, but I hope to have portrayed Merlin's feelings in the most realistic way: painful and contradictory at the same time. I also wanted to show Merlin and Gwaine's friendship because I saw that I left it too much on the background. Unfortunately I haven't any good ideas for Lance's one but anyway, this is my first attempt to write a decent work and I still cannot develope well each side character. Hope you'll like it and let me hear from you soon!


	15. Everyday life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter title is inspired by [this](https://youtu.be/0qi33gLphV4) song by Coldplay.  
> The white flag emoji is referring to when someone gives up the fight.

* * *

**EVERYDAY LIFE**

_Arthur_ 🏳️

* * *

Wip

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter will not take as much time as the previous one since I already had the plot lined up since from the very beginning. Hope to be able to upload it soon.


End file.
